


Quicksand Captivation

by Hito_Sama



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Consensual Underage Sex, Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, Hinata is a good friend, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Not What It Looks Like, Omega Verse, Underage Drinking, Uzumaki Naruto is a Good Friend
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2019-08-28 09:25:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 49,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16720707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hito_Sama/pseuds/Hito_Sama
Summary: ((They're like 16, I forgot they were underage oops)) If Shikamaru had known it would end up like this when it began he probably would have gone through way less trouble. When the Kazekage finds out his hard-kept secret, he doesn't quite know what to do. When things get complicated, more and more friends get pulled into it. Will they ever figure out how to work through their feelings or will they avoid each other forever?





	1. Found Out

He rushed down the street, trying to force himself to look casual and not doing as good a job as he wanted to. _God,please let me not meet anybody until after it’s done…_ Shikamaru’s luck almost held out--almost. Unfortunately he came across Naruto, who was one of the few ninja who would actively chase him just to see why he was ignoring him. The morning it started was painfully normal for such an important day. He’d woken up and eaten with his family, nodding sleepily to his parents telling him yet again that they were proud of him for passing the exams. He met with Choji and Ino, talked to the Hokage about what he’d need to be doing, and by late afternoon finally had free time. He was tired--more tired of moving than actually sleepy. Even moving seemed a pain. It’d be so much better to just lay and do nothing… He sighed in annoyance and tried to refocus on the conversation Ino and Choji were having. They were arguing about food again. How troublesome. He rolled his eyes and was going to sigh yet again when something hit him. He felt...strange.  
It took him a moment to realize, but when he did his heart nearly stopped. He had to physically stop himself from making a scene. He begged off, giving some lame non-excuse of “I’m going to go...do something” and ignoring Ino’s loud voice shouting after him that a chunin shouldn’t be so lazy and he’d have to grow out of that childishness eventually.

“What a pain, I don’t have time for this, Naruto! Go bug Sakura or something,” He shouted over his shoulder as he ran. Naruto laughed.

“Don’t think you can run from me! I’m Naruto Uzumaki I can catch anybody! Believe it!” came the loud response. He cursed. Why him of all people? Him and his unnatural stamina. Shikamaru could run all day and still not outrun that weird kid because the only thing bigger than his stamina was his bullheaded stubbornness. Fortunately he lost focus easily, so when Shikamaru jumped over a street where Sakura was walking he immediately jumped down to join her.

“Sakura-chaaaan!!!” 

Shikamaru breathed a sigh of relief only when he met the treeline and was well into the woods. He stopped under a huge oak and pulled out the scroll he needed, unrolling it and taking a long slow breath to calm himself. He couldn’t do it right if he was too riled up. His eyes closed as he began the jutsu. It would only take a minute, thankfully. 

The sound of someone coming into the clearing wasn’t what startled him. In fact the man had been so deadly quiet that he hadn’t even heard him coming until the sand hit him like a brick wall and he was suddenly in the trees staring down at the familiar terrifying guy called Gaara. Before he had time to reach for a weapon, or even cry out, the scroll fell out of his hand and he was immobilized, looking down at it.. I have to work on not doing that. He thought, irritated as he watched him pick up the scroll and read it with empty blue eyes. Before the man could do much more than roll up the scroll two figures followed him. He managed a short sigh past the sand covering his mouth. Of course they’re together. That troublesome woman is here, too. What a pain this has turned into. Now his secret was as good as dead and he hadn’t even had a chance. He supposed that’s what he got for not being aware of his surroundings. What kind of ninja let himself get taken so easily? He was lucky the man hadn’t killed him. This _was_ Gaara after all. 

“What’s that?” Temari asked, coming closer to see the scroll. Gaara rolled it up and lowered it, not even glancing at her. 

“I forgot to return it to a...friend,” He said quietly. His siblings seemed surprised--not that Shikamaru could blame them. That was a word he’d never expected to come out of that person’s mouth. 

“Friend?” Kankuro asked blankly, looking nervous. 

“Am i not capable of such a thing?” Gaara looked up to glare at them coldly. “That Uzumaki seems not to be afraid of me,” His voice lowered and for a moment past that cold exterior there was almost a glimmer of sadness. Almost. 

“Well we can go back if--”

“You go on ahead. I’ll catch up easily,” he stuck the scroll into his belt and turned away in a clear dismissal, and though they looked hesitant they left as well. Silence fell for a moment and the sand slowly lowered him to the ground, uncovering his face. Shikamaru wanted to speak--he wanted to demand what the hell that had been for, and order him to give the scroll back because it was too important to lose and getting it had been difficult enough he didn’t want the bother of replacing it. But his voice had died in his throat. 

They’d only just reached the age of maturity, Gaara especially because according to his information he was younger, but the heavy weight of a powerful Alpha was very hard for him to ignore without the power of the sealing jutsu. So instead of speaking like he wanted to, and instead of lowering his head in deference or bearing his neck he just stood there with his customary scowl and dusted his uniform off. To his surprise, instead of making him ask for it Gaara offered the scroll back freely. He took it, hesitating and suspicious, and narrowed his eyes. He didn’t even have to speak the question. Apparently it had been clear on his face. 

“I apologize for the sudden intrusion,” His voice was the same soft whisper as earlier but here on the ground face to face with him his aura was crushing. Shikamaru swallowed. Why couldn’t he speak, now of all times? He’d never felt so powerless before. Gaara raised one hand to point into the woods west of them. 

“People from Konoha are coming… One of them from the Inuza clan,” Shikamaru stared as he turned away, towards where his siblings had vanished to. “...He’ll be able to smell you in about two minutes. You should hurry if you don’t want to get caught,” With that he vanished, and only the fear of discovery kept Shikamaru from just staring after him in amazement. The jutsu only took a minute to perform, and with the other sixty seconds he ran until he was well away from the clearing that held the shameful Omega scent he had tried so hard to hide. 

Unable to relax for the rest of the day, he’d gone to lay under his favorite tree. The clouds rolled lazily by and faded into the inky blue-black of night, and slowly the stars bloomed like flowers. The crescent moon rose in the sky and he finally had to go home before his mother started to worry. 

The events of that afternoon ran over in his head hundreds if not thousands of times and it didn’t make sense no matter how he played it out. What did that terrifying monster of a sand ninja think he could gain from doing that? Did he think he could make Shikamaru betray his village somehow? No, Shikamaru wasn’t anyone of importance. He was just another chunin--even if he’d been the one to beat his sister in battle. Gaara didn’t seem to be that petty. He didn’t seem to even care about that sort of thing. Does he care about anything at all? He looks so damn empty. Even his siblings seemed to be disbelieving of the idea of him having a friend. 

The problem shifted in his head for hours, until the sun began to rise and he gave up on sleeping entirely. He was so distracted that morning that he forgot to be bothered by his stern mother, or Ino’s annoying voice. When he was given a small task he was glad for it, in the hopes that it would keep his mind from reminding him of who exactly he had to thank for his shameful secret still being kept. 

“You seem distracted,” Asuma commented two days later over their usual game of chess. He just scowled at him and moved his castle forward to take another piece. 

“You’re still going to lose, Sensei,” he commented blankly. “I’m going to go home after this though. I didn’t sleep well last night,” Asuma seemed to take this answer thankfully and soon enough the game was over. He won as he’d predicted, and shoved his hands in his pockets on his way home. Even three days of mulling over it and thinking he couldn’t fathom why on earth that guy would help him. He decided he’d have to just man up and ask the guy next time he saw him. Saying it was one thing, but… _jeez, he’s terrifying. How am I supposed to talk to a monster like that?_

Though he was dying to know, the time came much sooner than expected. Two weeks later the Hokage decided that the relationship with Suna had to be improved especially after the incident with Orochimaru. The sand siblings returned to help with something or other, which meant he would get the chance to talk to Gaara. Assuming of course he could make himself speak under the pressure of those empty blue eyes. The very idea of standing in his gaze pinned like a bug made him shiver, but he had to know. He just couldn’t let it go. 

So as soon as he heard he was watching and waiting for some sign of his presence in Konoha. At least he wouldn’t be snuck up on again. Over the heavy odor of grilled meat and noodles that permeated the restaraunt, a familiar scent struck him. He nearly spilled his drink in surprise. He was here, in Konoha, finally. _...but what do I say? Do I just outright ask? Will he be angry? Will he...kill me?_ The memory of just how bloodthirsty that particular ninja could be was burned into his mind. The sand that had pinned him up onto the tree out of sight had reeked of blood, he could only guess just how many corpses it had created. His mind again raced for an answer, and kept racing even as he followed him and watched from afar as the man went about the business the hokage had asked of them. When night fell he abandoned his post. He didn't sleep--the scent of that man in his city, the one who knew the secret he'd even somehow managed to keep from his own parents, it tormented him. The next morning he began it again as soon as he’d finished his usual work and training. He just couldn’t figure it out. Three days passed like this, and by the end of it he was in anguish. This was just so much worse than it had been the first day. Thinking too much was agony. _No wonder that Uzumaki is always so damn happy, he never thinks._ He pushed away the irrelevant thought and refocused on the task at hand. The sun was setting again and he didn’t know if he could handle another sleepless night piled onto the day of agonizing and watching the alpha from afar.

He watched from afar as the siblings walked down the street, and suddenly Gaara stopped again. He must have said something surprising again because Temari’s eyes went wide even though she was nodded in agreement. She and Kankuro turned and left, and Gaara turned around and came down the street towards him. He sank back into the alleyways and vanished into the shadows as only a Nara could, but the man stopped at the edge of the alley and tilted his head slightly. 

“If you’re still there, I’d like to talk,” He said simply. “I was waiting for you to say something first but clearly you’re not going to. I don’t like waiting,”  
Shikamaru hesitated, but stepped out into the light. His hands shook, but he didn’t know whether it was fear or excitement from finally getting this damned conversation over with. All those lines rehearsed in his head, all those thoughts he’d gone over seemed to have vanished under the sudden and painful weight of those eyes. The eyes of a cold blooded killer-- _A Monster_ his inner voice warned him, but suddenly he was annoyed. What did he do to deserve this troublesome issue? Nothing at all, that’s what. He hadn’t been looking for trouble as some people seemed to do. Couldn’t this man just have told him the answer that day instead of being vague and walking off like nothing had happened? He scowled and his annoyance pushed past the fear so that he could speak the question that had been on his mind since that day in the forest. 

“Why didn’t you tell?”

Gaara just stared at him for a moment, and he braced himself for anger or a killing blow that never came. Instead Gaara just stared at him for a painfully long moment before speaking in his usual soft voice. 

“You didn’t want anyone to know, right?” he asked. Shikamaru didn’t want to speak, but he still felt compelled to answer. Even under the protection of the seal jutsu the weight of Gaara’s eyes was painful, like smoke in his eyes. Shikamaru suppressed the urge to bow and look away.  
Slowly, he nodded. 

Gaara seemed to accept this, and he turned around to look out into the street. Some of the weight lifted from Shikamaru and he could suddenly breathe better. Perhaps Gaara really wouldn’t kill him. 

“I’ve been trying to figure out how Naruto does it. He isn’t particularly intimidating, unless you threaten his friends,” Gaara seemed to sigh, but the sound was nearly indistinguishable from the wind around them. “...I thought perhaps protecting a secret I would have scorned and ignored before would be a good start,” He turned to look at him and their eyes locked for a moment, and Shikamaru was completely floored. Of all the things he’d expected, that hadn’t even occurred to him. He could have kicked himself. He shouldn’t rule out such obvious things. Despite his monstrous power and bloodthirsty past he was still a human being right? Some things they all had in common. Especially those who befriended that annoying yellow-haired ninja. 

“Friends, huh?” He mused aloud, easily pushing past his earlier fear in the face of a puzzle to be solved. “That’s really all you wanted?” He looked up again and Gaara nodded. Well, he supposed that couldn’t possibly be too hard. “...You’re not going to try to kill me, right?” He hadn’t wanted to ask, but he couldn’t help himself. Gaara didn’t seem to be angry about it. In fact he didn’t even look vaguely surprised. He just shook his head. 

“Well…You play Shogi?” He offered finally, scratching the back of his neck. “It’s the least I can do. I… really don’t want anyone to know. You didn’t have to help me, and you did,” He avoided Gaara’s eyes, but regardless felt them heavy on him, studying. 

“I’ve never played,” 

“Come on, I’ll teach you,” Shikamaru shoved his hands in his pockets and struck out down the road as he always did, ignoring the surprised looks he got walking with that one. He grabbed his game set from home, and met Gaara out on a hill under a tree. 

“You probably won’t win for the first few games. It’s difficult to play when you’re not familiar with the pieces. I’ve been playing for years now, so don’t be mad that I’m better than you. Physical power and jutsu has nothing to do with a battle of wits, and if you kill me because I beat you in a game you'll never improve,” he tried his best to push past his initial thoughts, forcing his hands not to shake. If Gaara truly just wanted friends, he would do his best to reciprocate. After all, he couldn’t be as bad as he’d assumed. Not after what he’d done. 

“Is it a difficult game?” 

“Only if you’re bad at strategy. You’ll get the hang of it eventually, I can tell you’re smarter than some people,” He set up the pieces and explained each one as he went and what it did. Gaara just nodded and quietly listened, and didn’t speak freely until after the first game. He lost grandly, of course, and seemed a bit annoyed. 

“You were right, it isn’t something I can pick up right away,” he frowned at the pieces, clearly very annoyed, but he hadn’t once tried to take his anger out on Shikamaru. Shikamaru snorted in amusement and set the pieces again, finally getting slightly used to the crushing aura he gave off. 

“We’ll just have to practice. That’s how I got better, by playing my sensei Asuma,” A smile spread over his face without his knowledge, and Gaara found himself a bit confused by it. 

“Tell me more about your teacher,” He prompted. Shikamaru raised his eyebrows. 

“You’re not asking as a foreign ninja, right? I won’t tell you anything about his jutsu, not even I’m that dumb,” He warned. Gaara just stared at him blankly. 

“I want to know about people,” He explained finally when he realized Shikamaru wouldn’t speak otherwise. “You and your people seem very close to each other. You, that Lee and his Sensei, Naruto, Sasuke… I don’t understand,” he admitted. “I’ve been trying to figure it out. I don’t get it,” 

Shikamaru thought about this seriously. He wouldn’t possibly ask such a thing if he wasn’t serious, after all. How could he explain such a thing? It wasn’t really something that you could put into words. They played as he thought, and Gaara seemed ready to wait patiently for an answer. It wasn’t until halfway through the game that he spoke. 

“I don’t know how to explain that,” he admitted. “I have a deep respect for Asuma, because of how much he’s done for me. But it isn’t just that, because though I also respect the Hokage I don’t feel the same about him even though he’s more powerful. I’d call it love, and that’s not something you can explain to someone in one afternoon. You’d have to feel it yourself,” he said quietly. Gaara Sighed. 

“I don’t know if I can do that,” he admitted quietly. Shikamaru looked up, surprised, but didn’t ask. It felt like something he’d just spoken aloud without thinking. Gaara was undoubtedly far more complicated of a person than he’d originally thought. 

“I’m sure you will, one day. We’re still young. You don’t have to decide your life on the past, you know. Just start over, do something new, you’ll figure it out,” He assured him. Gaara just nodded slightly, and they played on into the night until they could no longer see the pieces and Shikamaru was forced to put the set away. After that they just talked. Gaara didn’t seem to be tired, and he didn’t want to be rude and just leave. They talked well into the light until the moon began to set, about the differences of their villages simpler things, the food, the weather, the bugs. The way sand got into every bit of clothing if you weren’t careful (and how Gaara didn’t have to worry about that, but his sister complained about it a lot), and how the sky looked on a nice day when there was nothing to do. Gaara talked about death for a while, which made Shikamaru very uncomfortable. He hadn’t realized there were people out there who could have such a dim view of people. He’d regarded them as simply meat, sacks of blood to be split open upon inconveniencing him. After a while of recounting some of the encounters he’d had Gaara suddenly stopped and looked at him, a flash of emotion on his face. 

“You haven’t said anything for a while. This conversation is upsetting you?” he guessed. Shikamaru didn’t bother trying to lie, he was sure it was written all over his face. He just swallowed and looked away. 

“I think… Well, don’t think I’m trying to tell you what to do, but I think you should hold life as more precious. Every life out there is like a light, like a star in the sky. Once it’s gone it’ll be gone forever. You can’t brighten your light without putting out others, you just...prolong how much dimmer it’s getting…” he looked at the sky and realized the stars were disappearing. “...I don’t know you well beyond what I’ve heard, and what you told me yourself. I know I was scared of you before, but...I honestly want to believe you’re more than the monster they make you out to be. If you were a monster you wouldn’t have protected me from being seen back then. You might have even killed me, it’s well within your power,” He forced himself to look up and was surprised by the confusion he found in Gaara’s eyes. Instead of answering, Gaara nodded slightly and looked up at the sky. They watched the stars vanish in silence and Shikamaru found himself drifting off to sleep despite himself. He hadn’t slept well in…

“Shikamaru,” 

“I’m not asleep,” He grunted a bit too defensively. He opened his eyes to see Gaara had stood without his noticing. 

“You need to rest,” Gaara stared down at him, not really asking. Shikamaru stood and looked around for his box, grunting a thanks when it was handed to him. 

“I haven’t been sleeping well lately,” He admitted, rubbing his eyes. 

“You should take care of yourself. You don’t want to end up looking like me,” Gaara turned away and glanced back at him, and it took a second but when the realization hit him he laughed. 

“Was that a _joke?_ ” His eyes widened in surprise. Gaara just nodded, still not smiling. 

“We should play again some other time. I’m going to beat you one day,” He turned away, and Shikamaru laughed softly to himself. Gaara was definitely more than he appeared.

“Yeah, sure,” 

His mother was of course angry at him for staying out all night despite the fact that he’d only been a few yards away. He apologized and promised it wouldn’t happen again, and fell asleep almost before even touching his bed.

The next morning dawned way too early for Shikamaru. He slept in, but not nearly enough. He was woken up and pushed through breakfast and out the door, and when he met up with Choji and Ino he was still groggy. 

“You’re lazier than usual, Shikamaru,” Ino pointed out. 

“I’m tired, woman, leave me alone,” He growled sleepily and immediately regretted it. She began to lecture him in the usual tone, and ignoring her was easier than normal. He fell asleep again, only to be woken by Asuma joining them and interrupting her. 

“Now, now, we have another mission today,” he gently shook Shikamaru awake, having known him long enough to be able to tell when he was faking and when he was actually asleep. “Long night, Shikamaru?” 

“I stayed up too late teaching someone to play shoji,” He explained, rubbing his eyes and scowling at nobody in particular. He laughed. 

“What, tired of your old game partner?” He joked. Shikamaru groaned and closed his eyes. 

“I couldn’t think of any other way to make friends with such a scary guy,” he mumbled thoughtlessly, so quiet that only the closest Asuma could hear, and only barely. He wondered what it meant, but didn’t ask. They quickly moved to the task at hand; well, the others moved quickly, basically dragging Shikamaru behind them. The movement of the day eventually woke him up more, so when he was finished with the simple mission he went to grab food before going to waste as much of the rest of the day as he could under a tree somewhere.  
It was evening by the time he finished everything, so when his stomach was full he was sitting on his own back porch with his father. He sat in comfortable silence, ignoring the familiar scent of cigarettes with his eyes closed. His father’s voice shook him out of his almost-sleeping daze. 

“Might I ask what business you have here?” He wasn’t threatening exactly, but by the tone of his voice Shikamaru could tell he was on edge. He didn’t have to look to know why--that familiar scent of cinnamon and stale blood told him everything. 

“Give me a second to get the board…” he groaned as he sat up and looked at his father, who raised his eyebrows. “..The Hokage wanted better relations between us and the sand, right? I thought I’d try to make friends. He wanted to learn Shoji. It’ll only be a couple of games, Dad, I promise,” he explained, and quickly retrieved his set. Gaara was still standing halfway across the yard where he’d been before. 

“I don’t mean to intrude,” he said stiffly after Shikamaru raised his eyebrows at him. He wasn’t looking at him though, he was looking at the elder Nara. “If you want me to leave I will,” He didn’t exactly say it, but they all knew Gaara was referring to his hard earned reputation as a cold blooded killer. A monster. He expected to be cast out. Shukaku took a long drag of his cigarette and stared at the strange boy with a frown. His first instinct, of course, was to tell him to go. But clearly Shikamaru had already spent time with this boy, and he was comfortable enough to call him friend. He was starkly reminded of the Uzumaki boy, bearing the burden of a monster. He knew exactly what monster dwelled in this young boy too and frankly he was almost proud of his son for taking an understandably terrifying step toward that monster to extend a hand of friendship. 

“Just as long as you don’t annoy your mother, I don’t mind,” he allowed finally, seeming to relax. “You’re a smart young man, Shikamaru, you wouldn’t let yourself be pulled in by a bad crowd,” Gaara nodded slightly and there was a slight gleam of a hidden emotion in his eyes. He didn’t seem to know how to react to them. Halfway through their second game his mother came out to complain at her husband but she stopped short in amazement to stare at Gaara, who had his back to them and was frowning across the board at Shikamaru. 

“Don’t look at me, dude. Take your time. I’m still going to beat you though,” He smirked slightly, having grown easily comfortable with him after the first game. 

“Don’t be rude to someone more powerful than you,” Gaara spoke in the same tone that he would a threat but they both knew he was just complaining. Shikamaru just laughed. 

“You’re just pissed off because I’m beating you again. I told you that you’d lose a lot at first. You just learned this game yesterday give yourself a break,” He looked up in surprise at his mother. 

“...I didn’t realize we had company,” she said finally as she got over her surprise. If her son and her husband weren’t worried there was no point in her being so. “I’ll get you two some drinks,” She said decisively, and left. Gaara flicked his eyes towards the door as she left, eyes ever unreadable. He moved his piece. 

When she came back he thanked her quietly, still staring. Mothers still confused him. Looking at Shikamaru with his own mother made him jealous, and he was even less sure of how to treat her than he was Shikamaru’s father. The unfamiliar emotion welled up in his chest and made him feel almost sick.

“One more game and it’s bedtime,” She instructed sternly. Shikamaru groaned in annoyance, but didn’t try to argue. When she left Gaara let himself speak the question he usually would have kept to himself. 

“...Are all mothers like that?” he asked softly. Two sets of brown eyes glued to him, surprised and calculating. Eventually it was Shukaku who spoke. 

“She’s a formidable woman, right?” he said proudly. 

“I think you mean troublesome,” Shikamaru corrected quietly, but he was smiling. “Mothers are all different, but I think they’re usually pretty scary. I suppose all parents are. It comes with the territory, right, Dad?” He looked at his father, who didn’t seem to find it strange that he answered such a question as if it had been serious. 

“Of course. You’ll get it when you have kids yourself. It’s something else. You’re no longer the most important thing in this world,” he turned his head to smile at his son and Gaara watched the expression with the usual confusion. There it was again, those eyes. Why did they all have those eyes? 

“I’d die for my son,” He noted, this time looking at Gaara. Another warning. He couldn’t blame the man. Frankly he was surprised anyone could treat him even vaguely normally. This family was something formidable indeed to be letting such a monster sit among them as if it belonged. For once he was actually glad to be their allies. 

Before much more could be said, Shikamaru’s mother came out again and reminded them that it was getting late. They finished up the game, Gaara losing spectacularly yet again, and this time he helped pick up the pieces. 

“Goodnight,” Shikamaru stood by the door with the box under his arm. “See you tomorrow I guess?”  
Gaara nodded. “I leave tomorrow afternoon. It’s time we return home,” He admitted. 

“Maybe we’ll have time for one last game before you go, eh?” Shikamaru offered. If he were anyone else Gaara would have smiled, but instead he just nodded and watched him go. When they were alone he turned to look at Shukaku, who had been watching him since halfway through the end of the last game. 

“I suppose you know this already, but if I ask you something you’re not required to answer. Just nod or shake your head. Are you going to lead my son wrong?” He asked seriously, voice low enough not to be heard through the walls of the house. Gaara studied him curiously. There was that look again. That look he saw in Guy, Kakashi, Naruto, Sakura, and seemingly all of them. He shook his head, still staring at him unblinking and trying to discern the elusive meaning of that look in his eyes. 

“Naruto Uzumaki made me believe that it might be worth it for someone like me to understand other humans,” He glanced at the door where Shikamaru had just been before locking eyes with him again. “Your son made me believe that I could change myself, that I’m not forced to stay on the path my loneliness pushed me down. He told me to move on and make my future as I wanted it.,” he turned away and began to leave, calling over his shoulder with no care as to whether or not he’d actually be heard. “...perhaps it is him that will be leading me,” 

Shikaku Nara had indeed heard him--he just didn’t know what to think of it. Perhaps the demon of the sand was only as much of a monster as Naruto Uzumaki was. He supposed everyone deserved at least one chance.


	2. Easy as Clouds

The next day, thankfully, Shikamaru didn’t have much to do. He walked through town, having just parted ways with Choji (who was going to eat breakfast). He came across Naruto training again, pushing himself to ever ridiculous heights. They were laid out in the middle of a very worn clearing, out of breath and still arguing goodnaturedly. 

“Hey, Shikamaru!” Naruto said brightly when he caught sight of him. He smiled slightly. 

“Naruto. Killing yourself with training again, I see,” He noted. 

“I’m gonna be Hokage one day! I Have to train hard, you know,” He pointed out yet again. Shikamaru just smiled. 

“Of course you are,” he agreed, actually meaning it instead of his usual sarcasm. “You know… you’re stronger than I could have been in your situation,” He noted. That chakra from the exams could only have been one thing--and even living with that monster inside him Naruto could still be happy and proclaim with such certainty his lofty goals. “You’re a good person, Naruto. You’ll make a great Hokage one day,” He turned and left just as he had come, followed by a very loud cry by Naruto, who leaped back on his feet. 

“Hell yeah I will! Believe it!” 

Shikamaru smiled slightly at Naruto and his mind went automatically to the other man who carried a monster. Gaara was… lost. Shikamaru wondered if he could even help such a man. It was unavoidable that Gaara was more powerful than he perhaps could ever be, by far. That couldn’t be denied. And he was an honest to god Alpha, a strong enough one to make him feel weak just meeting his eyes even past the seal. He sighed. Usually he tried to ignore the whole Alpha-Omega thing, as most natural betas would, but it was impossible to do when he thought of that man and the scent that seemed to be stuck on him now. It was distracting. 

It was mid morning when he finally found himself lying under his favorite tree. Even distracted, he smelled the man coming up to him relatively quickly. 

“I didn’t expect to see you so early,” He admitted, not even bothering to sit up. To his mild surprise Gaara sat down on the ground beside him, layering a blanket of sand over the dirt as usual so he wouldn’t get dirty. 

“I know,”

There was another few moments of comfortable silence until he spoke again. “I don’t have my board with me. Did you want to play?” He asked. Gaara nodded slightly. 

“I was thinking of buying my own. It would be nice to have. I’m confident someone in Suna knows how to play,” He admitted. Shikamaru smiled brightly and sat up. 

“Oh in that case, I’ll show you where to get a good one! I know the best shop in Konoha,” He bragged, and with that they set off to find it. 

About half an hour later, they sat together on the sand block that Gaara had created to keep himself and his board from getting dirty. Shikamaru had hesitated at first, but then he remembered Naruto and how everyone had hated him before. Gaara deserved a chance, and he was strong enough to kill him regardless of whether or not he sat there. They played two or three games, until Gaara grew tired of it and put it away. Shikamaru moved to sit under the nearby tree, crossing his hands behind his head and smiling up at the clouds. 

“I’m telling you, Gaara. They got it good up there,” He murmured. “Imagine being a cloud. Not having to worry about anything, just drifting across the sky,” There was silence in answer, and he glanced up to find himself being watched. “...what?” 

“What a strange thing to say,” Gaara looked away and, after considering it for a moment, sat beside him and stared up at the clouds as well. For a stretch of time, neither of them spoke again. Shikamaru had found himself used to the heavy weight of his presence, and the pungent scent of Cinnamon, Sage, and dried blood he put off. 

“I’ve decided something, Shikamaru,” Gaara suddenly broke through his thoughts. He looked at him, sitting up because of the seriousness in his tone. 

“What’s that?” 

“I’m going to be Kazekage,” He said decisively. For a moment he just blinked at him in amazement, and Gaara shifted his gaze to stare at him. “Do you question my ability to do it?” 

“No of course not. You’re undoubtedly powerful enough, It’s just…” He laid back down and chuckled lightly. “You sound just like Naruto,” He turned his head to look at Gaara and offered a grin. “It was because of that guy that you decided it, right?” 

Gaara nodded. “Yes. He was right, about protecting those you care for. In Suna we don’t have families like you do. The entire village is my family,” He explained. “I am strong enough to protect them, so why shouldn’t I?” 

“I’m glad you found your calling, Gaara. You definitely picked a troublesome one. Leading people always is, but I’ve no doubt you can do it,” He looked back at the clouds, and that was that. Soon enough they had to part ways--Gaara had promised to meet his siblings for lunch. 

Long after the sand siblings had left Konoha, Shikamaru still had the scent of that man stuck in his mind. He found himself more listless than usual. 

========================================================================  
When the sand siblings returned to Konoha Shikamaru found himself excited to see Gaara again. It was puzzling, to say the least. He’d found out that morning from Asuma sensei that they’d be coming back to Suna. Apparently there was to be a knowledge exchange--two of the top ninja were going to exchange places for a while to help with the schools of the other city, and the Kazekage and Hokage were going to work on a more permanent exchange of some sort. Shikamaru thought it was a good idea, especially for keeping the peace between them. He tried to keep his calm-- It had been three years since he’d last seen Gaara, and he was undoubtedly excited to see him again. He’d even done the sealing jutsu again that morning, though he could go up to a week without doing it and still be fine. He and his team had just finished training again, and now they were sitting at the table at their usual spot, waiting for their order. He looked out the window, bored by Ino’s lecturing, and sat up straight when he spotted familiar red hair in the distance. He stood up, unable to help himself from going to greet the man personally even if it meant missing a meal. 

“I’m gonna go do something else, I’ll see you guys later,”

“Hey, but what about lunch?” Asuma asked, looking surprised. 

“Choji can have mine, I don’t mind,” He answered. “Sorry, Sensei!” He left before they could ask anything else, and kept his eye on the ninja he was trying to catch up with. Gaara and his siblings turned down the street left, so he cut through the alleys and waited in the shadow of one of the buildings out of the blinding sun. 

“Hey,” He called when they were close enough. They turned to look at him, and Kankuro sighed and turned away. 

“Hey, Shikamaru. What do you want?” Temari, who was standing closer to him, turned to face him. 

“Hey, Temari. I won’t bug you guys long, I’m sure you’ve got stuff to do,” He turned to look at Gaara. “Kazekage-Sama, I see you made it to your goal. Naruto’s going to be annoyed that you beat him to it so quickly,” he commented. Gaara nodded just once. 

“He will only work harder because of it. I have no doubt he’ll take his place one day,” He answered in his usual soft voice. His siblings looked at him and then at Shikamaru, amazed. 

“Don’t think this means i’ll go easy on you, though. We’re all good at something, I’m not letting you beat me at the one thing i’m better than you at,” He warned. Gaara nodded again. 

“I might surprise you. I have been practicing,” He warned. Shikamaru laughed. 

“I suppose I’ll have to work hard too, in that case. See you later, right?” 

“I’ll find you later. I have to meet with your Hokage today,” he promised, and abruptly left. Temari started after her younger brother, then turned to Shikamaru to demand answers, but (knowing the reaction he;d get from her) He had darted away as they were distracted. 

“What on earth was that about?” 

Shikamaru thought about going back to his team, but decided against it. Choji would have finished his food by now. He’d just have to get food somewhere else. He went home, and later that afternoon came across Asuma again. 

“Hey, Sensei. Sorry about running off earlier, I had to go talk to somebody,” He said before Asuma could ask. His teacher brushed it off with the normal ease and moved the conversation onwards.

“I came to see if you wanted to play a few games,” he offered. Shikamaru smiled and nodded. 

“Sure, I’ll go get my set,” 

Gaara found him after he was just finishing his second game. He stopped abruptly halfway across the yard as usual, looking between them curiously. 

“Oh. Kazekage-Sama, I didn’t expect you of all…” Asuma sat up and lit another cigarette. “You wanted to talk to Shikamaru, right? I’m done getting beaten for today, anyway,” he laughed good naturedly and patted Shikamaru on the shoulder. “Practice isn’t until ten tomorrow, but try not to be late again, eh?” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Shikamaru groaned. “What a pain,” 

Gaara watched him go, and turned to look curiously at Shikamaru. 

“Hey,” He began to reset the pieces. “You going to be in town a while?” He wondered, suddenly embarrassed. Gaara nodded and sat down, setting his gourd on the ground leaning against his leg, which hung off the side of the porch. 

“Only about a week. I can’t be away from Suna for long,” He answered. Shikamaru nodded slowly. He imagined the leader of a village would have a lot on his plate. Frankly a week seemed like a long time for such a busy man.

“It’s good to see you again, at least. It’s been too long,” he mumbled without thinking of the implications of his statement. Gaara seemed surprised by this. 

“Really?”

“Of course. Are we not friends anymore?” He pointed out. 

“Even after this long, i find it difficult to understand your motivations,” He admitted. “When you first began to teach me this game I thought you were doing it out of obligation, for the secret that I kept for you, but…” 

“It’s always been my preference to give people a chance to show who they are, instead of believing just the rumors you hear and following the lead of those around you,” He explained. “My first impression of you was...bad, and I suppose it was well earned, but we humans aren’t always static. Especially the younger ones,” He looked up and offered a smile, and Gaara just nodded. 

“I believe you,” He finally allowed.

“Good. You’ve gotten better, you know. How much do you practice?” He wondered, impressed. 

“Enough to try to beat one of the smartest Shinobi I’ve ever met,” he moved another piece, and Shikamaru focused on the puzzle of the game in front of him. The game went on in silence, and he was again reminded how much more comfortable things were between them than they usually were with others. Even his scent seemed to relax Shikamaru. Usually the scent of another ninja made him antsy, that’s why he likes spending time with former Anbu ninja and betas.  
His father came out to smoke, and was yet again surprised at the sight of the person his son was playing shogi against. 

“Well, if it isn’t the Kazekage of the Sand,” he commented, eyebrows raised. “Can I get you a drink or something?” He offered. Gaara shook his head. 

“Thank you, but no. I’d hate for you to trouble yourself,” he answered. Silence again fell between them, peppered with his father breaking it every so often to talk to his mother, or say something aloud to Shikamaru. The night ended quickly, and Gaara abruptly stood after one of their games. 

“It’s getting late,” He explained before Shikamaru could voice the question clear on his face. “You should sleep.” He nodded and answered the generic greeting Shikamaru’s father gave, and left. 

“That one didn’t turn out at all like i thought he would, when he first came to Konoha,” Shikaku admitted. 

“You shouldn’t judge people before you really know them,” Shikamaru answered, echoing a conversation they’d had many years ago. They exchanged a smile, and Shikamaru went inside to go to bed. Gaara had been right, he was bone tired. 

===================================  
The next morning dawned finding Shikamaru leaning against the building across from where Gaara’s room was. He was sure the man was awake. He didn’t hardly ever sleep, according to the information Shikamaru had gathered on him. He came out only two minutes after Shikamaru arrived, and slowly walked to join him. 

“What are you doing awake so early?”

“Can’t leave Konoha unguarded, right?” He joked. “I can go if you want, though,” he took a step back further into the shadow. Gaara shook his head. 

“You’re already awake, I see no harm in it. The Hokage won’t be awake for a couple hours, so I have time,” Gaara looked out down the street towards where the Hokage’s office was. 

“Come on, I’ll treat you to breakfast. I know a place you might enjoy,” He started down the street with Gaara walking beside him. They didn’t talk much over the meal, just existed together and enjoyed each other’s company. They sat under Shikamaru’s favorite tree, and the Kazekage put a layer of sand beneath them both. 

“Some things never change,” Shikamaru noted, amused. 

“What?” 

“You’re still a lot more worried about your appearance than I am. Being clean, and what not,” he commented. Gaara looked away and sighed slightly. 

“You would prefer I let myself get covered in dirt before my meeting with your Hokage?” He asked. Shikamaru laughed. 

“Nothing wrong with being clean. Ino would approve. I just think it’s troublesome, is all,” He explained. “Not for me,” he closed his eyes and breathed a sigh. Yes, it was strange how attached he’d become to Gaara… Especially so now that the man was Kazekage. He pushed these thoughts away, not liking at all where they were leading. That road just wasn’t one he would even think about. 

“It’s about time to get to your meeting, right?” He guessed eventually, glancing over at him. Gaara sat up and nodded. 

“Yes. Time does move quickly,” he stood, looking distastefully at the grass that had somehow gotten on his sleeve. 

“It’s on your back too,” Shikamaru noted. “Mind if I..?” 

“Please do. I dislike being dirty,” He turned and Shikamaru lightly dusted off the back of his uniform. The heat of his body permeated even through the cloth. Somehow it was surprising to know that the outwardly cold and emotionless man was actually hot. His hand lingered on the Alpha’s back, slowly brushing across his shoulders even though the last of the grass had been wiped away long before. Under the cloth, he was definitely strong. His scent cloyed at Shikamaru’s senses, and suddenly he had to swallow past a lump in his throat. Gaara cleared his throat. 

“Thank you,” He said quietly, and Shikamaru stepped away looking embarrassed. 

“Yeah,” 

He walked with Gaara to the Hokage’s office, too distracted and annoyed by the buzzing weight in his chest and stomach to be comforted by the warm silence between them. They came upon the building and he sighed in annoyance when he noticed Temari and Kankuro waiting out front of it for their brother. 

“Shikamaru, what are you doing here?” Temari wondered. He sighed. 

“I live here, remember?” He grumbled. Gaara immediately moved towards the building. “See you later, Gaara,” He called, and got a slight nod in answer. He tried to go himself, but Temari grabbed his arm to stop him. 

“No, what are you doing with my brother?” She demanded. 

“I can’t exactly leave the kazekage to wander around konoha, can I? It’d be rude,” He tugged his arm out of her grip and quickly left before she could interrogate him more. Soon he ran into Choji, who had apparently seen the whole thing. 

“I didn’t know you were so concerned about being polite to the Kazekage,” He commented. 

“It’s not that a big deal,” Shikamaru shoved his hands in his pockets and looked away. “Anyway, what are you doing here, we still have an hour until we have to meet Asuma sensei,” he looked at his best friend, who was a bt amused at his reaction. 

“I live here too, you know,” Choji answered jokingly, opening another bag of chips. Shikamaru sighed in annoyance. 

“Yeah, yeah, very funny. I need to go take care of something, I’ll see you in an hour,” He darted off a bit too quickly, even more annoyed at himself for being embarrassed. 

They got back from the mission they’d been sent on late into the evening the next day, and Shikamaru immediately begged off to go rest. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Asuma called after him, but he was already out of hearing range. Shikamaru hurried down the street faster than was usual. Instead of going home as expected, he wandered around the city--or at least that’s what he told himself. Shikamaru was looking for Gaara. It had been years.. He didn’t want to admit it to himself, but he missed the Alpha’s strong, comforting presence. Gaara was quickly found sitting on the roof of the hotel he was staying in. He jumped down when Shikamaru came close.

“Hello,”

“Hey. You alright? It’s late,” He leaned against the wall of the building. Maybe it wasn’t so nice, but he was glad that Garaa still didn’t sleep as much as most people. It meant that he could catch him awake at such a late hour.

“Yes. You just got back?” 

“Yeah. I know it’s late, but I was wondering if you were busy,” Shikamaru offered a slight smile when Gaara stood and gestured towards his still open window. 

“You want to play?” he offered. Shikamaru and Gaara both knew it was a strange relationship they had, but neither of them wanted to say anything about it. Neither of them wanted to say that they knew their friendship wasn’t the same as most peoples. 

“You were right, you did get better,” Shikamaru admitted about halfway through their first game. Gaara nodded. 

“I can see that you did as well,” He mumbled. Shikamaru laughed, and agreed. 

“Of course. I can’t lose,” Shikamaru laid down on the ground, propping his head up with his hand. Gaara sighed and crossed his arms.

“You’re a sore loser,” He noted. Shikamaru snorted and yawned. 

“If I’m going to bother trying why should I not try to win?” He pointed out. Already he felt more comfortable about himself now than he’d been only a few minutes ago. He didn’t like to think about it, but he felt a bit safer here. After three games he even managed to speak about what was on his mind. He couldn’t talk to anyone but Gaara about it--he didn’t even feel comfortable talking to his parents about it, and there was a 50/50 chance they already knew despite his best efforts to hide it as soon as he realized what he was. 

“Can I ask you something?” He asked softly, speaking into the comfortable silence between them Gaara looked up to meet his eyes and nodded slightly. 

“What is it?” 

“It’s…. It’s getting harder to keep it a secret,” he admitted softly. “The seal doesn’t last as long as it used to,” He shook his head slightly and took out the scroll. “It used to hold for a week or so before I had to redo it, but now it lasts about a day and a half. I’ve been looking into seals more and trying to learn something that will work better, but most of them i’ve learned only seal chakra. I’m sure those will come in handy but…” He shook his head and fell silent, curling up on himself slightly. Gaara watched him silently and wondered what to say. He wanted to reach for Shikamaru and touch his arm, comfort him, to say that he shouldn’t worry about such things… But he knew such a thing would be unwelcome, so he just listened. After a moment or two of silence between them Shikamaru looked up again. 

“I’m sorry for bothering you with this,”

Gaara shook his head. “You have no one else to talk to about it, right?” He sat back against the bed and closed his eyes. “I don’t mind. I don’t know if I can help,” he paused thoughtfully and sat up. “I’ll see if I can find a jutsu that might work for you. I’ll have to talk to my siblings about it, but I won’t tell them who among the leaf needs it,”

“Really?” Shikamaru sat up and Gaara became acutely aware that the man had moved closer to him. He didn’t open his eyes. 

“Of course. Konoha and Suna are allies. As long as my siblings agree that it’s safe I don’t mind helping you,” He paused to open his eyes so he could look at Shikamaru. “Is it not true that friends should try to help eachother?” Even after all this time he wasn’t so sure he was doing this ‘friend’ thing right, so a slight glimmer of worry flashed in his eyes as he said this. Shikamaru stared at him for a moment, processing the relief that was flooding through him at Gaara’s offer to help. 

“You’re right,” Shikamaru answered him finally, sitting up. “Thank you. I feel better…” Shikamaru and Gaara started a new game, and another after that until Shikamaru fell asleep halfway through Gaara setting up the next game. For a moment Gaara thought about waking him up, but decided against it. Instead he carefully draped a blanket over him where he lay on the floor and put away his game pieces. The sun was already starting to rise. He went back up to the roof to watch the sunrise.


	3. A Hyuga's Helping Hand

Temari came to see Gaara early that morning. Shikamaru, unfortunately, didn’t smell her coming until she was already there. He had just woken up, yawning. 

“Shikamaru. What are you doing here?” Temari stood in the open doorway of Gaara’s room, staring at him in amazement. Gaara turned to look at her after fixing the straps of his uniform. 

“He fell asleep playing Shogi and I didn’t wake him,” Gaara cut in before Shikamaru could speak. She looked at him with an amazed expression and he looked away. 

“Well...I wanted to ask you something but if you’re busy..” She looked between them, still clearly shellshocked. 

“I have to go take care of some things,” Shikamaru looked at Gaara and offered a slight smile, and the stoic Kazekage just nodded slightly. 

“See ya,” He left before Temari could ask him another troublesome question, pretending he didn’t notice her staring after him. Both Shikamaru and Gaara were very busy that day. Gaara spent the entire day going over some things with the Hokage. He mentioned in passing that he was interested in trading some trivial jutsu, that someone he knew was looking for sealing jutsu that would work on an alpha and an omega’s scent. 

“I think we can come up with something,” She assured him. “I can think of a few that might work for an Omega at least, I’ll talk to my advisors about it and get back to you,” 

Temari meanwhile was watching Shikamaru closely that day. She caught up with him just as he parted ways with his team after a long day of training. 

“You’ve been trying to make friends with him since the beginning haven’t you?” she jumped down from the roof where she’d been sitting, watching. Shikamaru sighed. 

“What are you talking about?” He grumbled. Of course he knew, but he didn’t want to have such a troublesome conversation. 

“Gaara. You’ve been trying since the beginning, haven’t you? Since he had that battle with the Naruto kid,” She wasn’t really asking, and as Shikamaru turned to face her he had to note that there was no animosity in her eyes. He looked away and nodded slightly. 

“He’s not a bad guy. If Naruto can be friends with him, I don’t see why I can’t,” He mumbled. She smiled at this, much to his surprise. 

“I just...wanted to thank you,” she explained. “I Know how you saw Gaara back then. He was…. Even I saw him that way,” 

“He was just troubled. Being alone for too long will do that to a person,” Shikamaru murmured. He didn’t want to tell her that he hadn’t seen that at the time, that the only reason he’d gotten close to that man was because Gaara had decided to try to make friends with him. He was so glad that it had happened now that it was strange thinking about it. 

“He’s a good man,” Temari agreed. “I don’t think I can say much for his choice of friends, though,” she looked distastefully at him and he couldn’t help but chuckle. “I have to go now. I just wanted to say that,” She smiled again and left.

“He’s more than I deserve,” Shikamaru murmured under his breath without thinking, eyes glazing over with deep thought. Temari glanced over her shoulder at him, perplexed by this statement, but didn’t say anything as it seemed like he hadn’t realized to say it aloud. 

Shikamaru couldn’t stop thinking about Gaara. Waking up in his room had been surprising to say the least. The scent of that Alpha was all over him, stuck to every piece of him. He sat under a tree and thought about it, closing his eyes. Something stirred in the pit of his stomach, and he abruptly sat up straight. The seal was weakening again and he’d only redone it two days ago. He looked around to make sure he was really alone, taking a minute to scent the air properly and listen to the trees and animals around him before quickly doing the seal again. Just after he’d finished, he spun abruptly to see Gaara walking up.

“You always stay under the same tree. Even back then,” 

“Yeah, this is my favorite place,” Shikamaru admitted. “I didn’t think I’d see you so soon?” He smiled at Gaara as the man stopped short in front of him. 

“Neither did I. I’m going to go back home today, but I wanted to tell you that I got what you needed,” He offered a scroll. “I’ve borrowed it from the Hokage. It’s a medical jutsu apparently. I’ll need that scroll back when you’ve memorized the jutsu,” 

“Of course,” Shikamaru stowed the scroll in his bag and smiled slightly. “I….really owe you a lot, Gaara,” He shook his head. “You’ve changed so much since I first met you,” 

“I should thank you for that,” Gaara noted softly. “Naruto helped me realize that my reason for living didn’t have to be death, but I would never have been able to grasp anything else so quickly if I hadn’t met you. If you hadn’t needed help that only I could provide back then, I don’t know if I would have gotten this far so quickly,” Gaara spoke softly, studying Shikamaru with those unreadable blue eyes and the omega felt himself melting on the inside again. He was glad for the scroll, because now just being around the powerful Alpha made the bonds of the seal weak. 

“I suppose we both have Naruto to thank for that,” He noted. “I’m lucky to have a friend like you,” He smiled again, and with that they parted ways. Gaara didn’t have enough time to stay in Konoha any longer, and in fact Temari and Kankuro were already waiting for him to leave.

That night, Shikamaru stayed up studying and practicing the new jutsu. His mind was still on the Alpha who gave it to him, and he couldn’t help smiling. Gaara was definitely far more than he’d thought when he was first met with the man. Someone who so blatantly disregard human life now worked so hard to help him protect a secret that he’d openly said he didn’t believe necessary to begin with. Yes, Gaara was one hell of an Alpha. 

==================================

Shikamaru resisted the urge to speak in anger upon being told that some of the others had gone on a rescue mission. It wasn’t the mission that made him furious--it was the one who’d been kidnapped, and that he hadn’t found out before now. Gaara had been taken, stolen away in a rare moment of weakness after protecting Suna. Stolen for the very monster that had driven him through such a terrible childhood. Gaara deserved better than this, Shikamaru thought angrily. He’d already been through more than Shikamaru could comprehend. 

“I can’t just sit by and do nothing,” Shikamaru said quietly. He looked up at Hinata, who had been the only one besides him to happen to find out about the mission and not be one of the teams deployed to help the Kazekage. 

“Naruto is already there,” Hinata offered quietly. “Neji’s team is strong. The Kazekage will be okay,” she assured him. Shikamaru sighed and clenched his fist so hard that blood leaked down his skin. He didn’t even know how to voice why he was so angry, but Hinata saw it anyway. She gasped quietly and her eyes widened slightly.  
Even if Shikamaru couldn’t recognize it from being so close, Hinata knew from years of experience what it looked like when someone was worried for the one they loved. 

“Why don’t you go after them?” Hinata offered softly. Shikamaru’s eyes shot up to hers and she smiled. “I’ll make sure nobody realizes you’re missing. I’ve been working on my jutsu, too,” She cast a very naruto-esque jutsu, a clone and then transformed it into him. 

“Why?” He had already stood despite his suspicion of her intentions. 

“I want to help,” She answered simply. Shikamaru let that answer lie, not wanting to waste energy on anything except the Kazekage himself. Hinata watched Shikamaru leave, smiling to herself. Yes, nothing would make her happier than seeing something good come of the unrequited love she’d seen in brown eyes that mirrored the one she’d felt for years.

Before he got too far, Shikamaru cast the jutsu that he had learned from the scroll. It hid his scent entirely, especially the troublesome Omega scent he needed to keep. The seal appeared on his chest, burning for a few seconds under his uniform before vanishing. As soon as he was sure it had worked he quickly followed after the teams that had left that morning. Several hours had passed, so he had to run to catch up. 

Unfortunately, how things played out didn’t work in his favor as he’d hoped they would. By the time he got to the others he was witnessing what was undeniably the end of the battle. Gaara lay ;motionless in the hands of the enemy, and he didn’t dare wonder if the man was still alive. Naruto and Kakashi fought the enemy, eventually winning out--if only barely saved by one of Kakashi’s tricks. Shikamaru watched from the shadows as Naruto picked Gaara up and carried him. He sank back from them, heartbroken. Not even he could deny it. He knew a corpse when he saw it… As the others stopped in a grassy field near Suna, Sakura’s words struck him in the chest with a weight heavier than any punch he’d ever received. 

“He’s dead,” 

_No… No, he can’t be. He can’t be dead, he just can’t, it’s impossible…_ Shikamaru fell to lie on the grass, tears flooding his eyes. There was just no way around it. Sakura had become one of the best medical ninja in Konoha, if she said it it was undoubtedly true. Still, he couldn’t bear to be so far from Gaara’s body. He transformed into a Sand ninja with a mask and moved closer, blending in with the group of suna genin and chunin. 

As he approached he realized they were trying to revive him. Naruto’s overwhelming chakra was flowing into the older woman, who in turn was casting an unfamiliar jutsu. Shikamaru tried to force himself not to hope. Still, moments passed and then Gaara stirred.

__

Thank god… 

He didn’t even notice Naruto’s horror at the old woman’s death, so enraptured was he by the fact that he had been wrong and that Gaara was still alive. The Kazekage sat up and looked around, seeming confused. For a moment their eyes met and recognition flashed there before it vanished and Gaara focused on Naruto. Shikamaru let himself fade into the background. He didn’t want to interfere where he had been ordered not to. Just being here was bad enough. 

They paid their respects to her, and parted ways with Gaara and his siblings. Shikamaru knew he needed to get back to the village before the others did, but he had to talk to Gaara first. He waited until Gaara was around as few people as possible--only his siblings, who didn’t seem to be willing to leave him alone after what happened. He transformed again into a random citizen of Konoha that wouldn’t be recognized and approached cautiously, not meeting anyone’s eyes for fear of giving himself away. 

“Kazekage-Dono, I’m sorry if this is a bad time, but I have a message for you,” He said quietly. “I was told it’s private, only for your eyes,” He took out the scroll and showed it to him, and Gaara nodded to his siblings. 

“It’s alright. This is important, I’ll be around as soon as It’s done,” He assured them. The two sand siblings left, eyes glued to the unfamiliar ninja. When they left, Shikamaru again offered him the scroll. 

“Are you going to keep that guise on?” Gaara asked softly. “I see you’ve mastered the jutsu already. I’m impressed, it’s only been a couple weeks,”

Shikamaru ended the jutsu. “I just wanted to see you,” He admitted softly, eyes downcast. “I… you were dead…” A small fraction of the horror he’d felt upon seeing Gaara’s lifeless form leaked into his voice and Gaara realized that Shikamaru must be working hard to hide the depth of the feeling for it to show like that. He was an admirable Shinobi after all. 

“I’m alright now,” Gaara said quietly, reaching to touch his shoulder. “The monster is gone,” Shikamaru looked up at him at the contact and was amazed to see him smiling. He’d never seen that expression on him before, not in all the time they’d been acquainted. He was struck by how beautiful it was, like the calm just after a deadly storm as the clouds broke and the sun was seen again. A stark reminder of something his father had said years ago came to mind but immediately pushed it out of his mind. 

“I’m glad,” He answered, forcing his voice not to break. Relief flooded him and he broke into a grin. “I’m so glad. I was…. Honestly, really scared for a moment there. Thank God for Naruto and that monstrous chakra of his,” He abruptly sat. Gaara tucked the scroll away and glanced towards the door. 

“I owe a great debt to the shinobi of the leaf,” He answered softly. “Him...as well as others,” Gaara watched him closely, thinking that it was too bad such a cute omega was hellbent on hiding it. He had only smelled him once, and he had to admit he missed that smell. Since then he hadn’t found anything sweeter. Strange to say he craved it, because Gaara didn’t even particularly like sweet things. 

“I can’t stay,” Shikamaru stood as suddenly as he’d sat down. “I just wanted to give that back, and make sure you were okay. I wasn’t supposed to leave Konoha so I have to return before I get Hinata in trouble trying to cover for me,” He grinned again, unable to stop the light feeling inside him from leaking out onto his face. Gaara was okay, and he even smiled. The scent of Alpha thickened around them, but Shikamaru tried to pretend he hadn’t noticed. 

“You owe me a game when I return to Konoha, in that case,” Gaara gestured dismissively. “It will be a while, because I have things to attend to here,” 

“I look forward to seeing you again, Gaara,” Shikamaru cast the transformation jutsu again and left Suna as quickly as possible. He took the long way round the group of others, running much faster than they were. It was his good luck to get to Konoha just half an hour before the others returned, and meet up with Hinata just outside the city. 

“I told your team that you were training to practice Taijutsu with me,” She informed him. Shikamaru groaned. 

“Oh, man, but Taijutsu is such a bother,” He grumbled. 

“You should really work on it anyway. It’s a good skill to have, and yours could use improving,” She sat down beside him. Shikamaru had to admit she was right, he certainly could use better taijutsu. 

“If you’re really willing to train with me, I wouldn’t mind taking you up on it,” He admitted after a very long moment of silence between them. It would be good to get his mind off of things. And anyway, he was still in an extremely good mood after seeing Gaara looking so well. He smiled brightly and stood. “I should get some training done. Ino will be wanting to see me improve if you told her I was spending all that time training,” He muised. Hinata laughed. 

“Let’s train, then,” 

They spent the whole rest of the day training. Shikamaru was surprised at how hard Hinata pushed him to keep going, to keep improving. He had to admit that there probably wasn’t any better person to learn from. The hyuga Taijutsu was the best in the village, even more so than Lee. And unlike Lee she had a softer and more encouraging way of making him keep trying even when he wanted to just give up. By the time the sun began to set he had completely exhausted himself. He was laying on his back staring up at the sky as it darkened, trying to catch his breath. 

“I don’t know why that Naruto hasn’t noticed you yet,” He commented aloud. She turned bright red at the mention of that particular ninja. 

“W-what are you talking about?” 

“Come on, Hinata. Only Naruto is that dense. Besides me, you were the only one back then that didn’t hate him. And you supported him more than I did. Nobody was cheering him on more than you. Even Naruto should have noticed it by now…” He turned his head to look at her and she looked like she wanted to speak, but no words came out. It was all the same to him, he didn’t have anything else to say. He was too tired to talk anymore, or even think much about the soft smile of an Alpha he never thought he’d be lucky enough to see. 

The time after that day he filled his days as much as he could. He no longer lazed about as much as he used to, having decided he didn’t want to stew in his thoughts for too long because he didn’t like the way his train of thought was going in regards to the Kazekage.  
Hinata trained with him more often, and his taijutsu began to improve. He even managed to forget the feeling that he got in the depths of his stomach when he saw Gaara, that sticky and terrible feeling that welled up in his throat and made it difficult to breathe. He forgot about it, until the day came that Gaara returned to Konoha. 

He scented the Alpha as soon as he was within the city limits. He abruptly turned his head, throwing himself off balance and getting sent flying by a heavy blow from Choji. He hit a tree with a heavy thump and groaned. 

“That hurt,”

“You’re the one who stopped instead of avoiding it,” Choji pointed out. “You were going to avoid it, what happened?” he asked. Shikamaru just groaned and closed his eyes. 

“Anyway, let’s go eat I’m starving,” Choji turned cheerfully to go. Shikamaru didn’t move.

“You guys go on, I'm going to sleep,” he said decisively. Ino came over and nudged him with his foot. 

“You can’t sleep here,” she chided. Shikamaru pretended he didn’t hear, keeping his eyes closed. He waited until the others were gone before sitting up and going to find Gaara. 

Gaara seemed to be waiting for Shikamaru to show up. He was talking to an Anbu, who left rather quickly after Shikamaru got close enough to see them. 

“I was hoping you would come,” Gaara looked up to where Shikamaru was perched on the rooftop. Temari and Kankuro followed his gaze and blinked in surprise at seeing him in such a strange place. “I have a proposition for you,” he gestured for Shikamaru to follow and began walking towards the Hokage’s office. His siblings followed, but didn’t speak. 

“What is it?” 

“I’ll have to ask the Hokage, first,” Gaara paused to glance at him as if gauging his reaction before continuing. “...but I was thinking it would be good to have an advisor from Konoha in Suna, to help with the treaty,” He looked at Shikamaru again and their eyes met. Shikamaru couldn’t help but smile.

“It’s up to the Hokage,” he admitted softly, though secretly he couldn’t deny that the idea was exciting. He was silent after that, waiting outside the building across the street until he saw Gaara’s face in the window gesturing for him to join them. 

“The Kazekage has requested you specifically to help with a few things in Suna,” She informed him. He nodded in acceptance of this and she went on to explain what his duties would be there. 

The meeting with the Hokage had gone well, thankfully. Better than he’d expected. They were to leave in a week, and he was to meet them after a few missions. He felt strangely relaxed as he walked slowly down the street with his hands shoved in his pockets, trailing behind Gaara and his siblings. They were talking about something or other among themselves, he wasn’t paying much attention. 

“Shikamaru! I heard you’re leaving Konoha what the hell? I just got back!” Naruto complained loudly as he ran up to them. Shikamaru sighed. 

“I thought you were in the hospital? Anyway I can’t help it. I’m going to Suna on a mission with Gaara,” He pointed over his shoulder at the Kazekage, who had turned at Naruto’s loud voice to look. 

“I just got out! Tomorrow I’m gonna start training again so come hang out with me until then. You don’t mind, right, Gaachan?” Naruto grabbed his hand and began to drag him away before Gaara could say much of anything, ignoring his protests. Gara watched them go, wondering why on earth Naruto had called him that.

“Dammit Naruto I don’t want to--Don’t you even listen when people talk?” He grumbled, but let himself be pulled along. 

“It’s okay Shikachan stop worrying so much. Let’s go have some fun, ok?” Naruto turned back to grin at him cheerfully and he scowled.

“Who the hell said you can call me that?!” He grumbled under his breath. His mind flashed to Gaara and he blushed slightly at the wandering thought that wanted to know what it would sound like if Gaara would talk to him like that. He scowled deeper. When had such thoughts become normal? To think such a way of the Kazekage. It seemed shameful. 

“We’re gonna get drunk, and whoever wins gets to decide,” Naruto said cheerfully. Usually Shikamaru wouldn’t agree. After all, it was in a ninja’s best interest to always have his wits about him. But at the moment he thought it might be good to be able to lose himself, that way he wouldn’t have to think about what he had suddenly realized. 

“Whatever you say, Naruto,” He submitted quietly, eyes darkening slightly. Someone in the shadows watched, and followed as they made their way to the rather shady establishment he’d found thanks to the Toad Sage, one of the very few that wouldn’t care about their age as long as they had money.


	4. A Heart's Heavy Burden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _This chapter has some spoilers from the series. If i'm remembering the episode numbers correctly It follows the events of episodes 74-81 of Shippuden pretty closely, so if you want to know what happens in the time skip just check those out._

The night wore on, Naruto pushing him to drink more and more as only he could, and sooner than they realized they were both piss drunk. Shikamaru laid his head on the table, tracing circles in the puddle of water from the liquor that Naruto had spilled. 

“Naruto,” He mumbled. 

“Hnnn?” 

“Is it wrong for a guy to like another guy?” he wanted to know. When he woke up he’d be ashamed of asking such a thing so openly, but at the moment he was too drunk to care. Naruto sat up so abruptly that he dropped the sake cup in his hand. Thankfully it was empty. 

“You don’t mean me do you?” He sat back slightly, looking alarmed. Shikamaru rolled his eyes. 

“Not you, you moron, someone else,” He grumbled, blushing madly and trying to hide it with his hands. “Don’t… please don’t tell anyone,” 

“I won’t… uh, I dunno if it’s wrong actually. Seems gross to me why would you like a guy when there’s so many girls?” He looked genuinely curious to know. Shikamaru poured himself another drink. Naruto could be so frustrating, but at least he was trying to understand. Even if his way of wording it was annoying.

“I can’t help it. I didn’t want to, I just wanted to be friends with him and the other day I realized… He just… I can’t stop thinking about him, and when He’s close I feel...safe somehow…” he trailed off and a slow smile spread on his face. 

“That’s weird, but I guess if you can’t help it what can you do? It’s better than not liking anyone at all,” Naruto’s face screwed up in deep thought and he took the bottle from Shikamaru’s hand. “You’re still gonna lose though, Shikachan,” He added. Shikamaru groaned and dropped his head on the table. 

“I’m done, I can barely walk,” He grumbled. If he drank any more he’d completely lose himself, and he’d like to know where he was waking up before tomorrow morning. “I guess you can call me whatever you want,” 

In the booth behind them sat a figure who’d been listening to them all along. She didn’t have to look at him to recognize the pain of unrequited love in Shikamaru’s voice. Hinata sat back in her seat and thought about what she knew. She wondered if it was out of line for her to be butting in, but she knew for a fact that a guy like Shikamaru would never allow himself to have a happy ending if he liked the guy Hinata was thinking he did. Shikamaru was the only one besides her who hadn’t treated Naruto like a monster growing up, so she wanted to do her best to help him. She followed them to make sure they got home right, and ended up having to help Naruto unlock the door when he passed out against it. She carried him in and laid him in bed, only taking off his shoes. 

“Shikachan, why you follow me home? Weirdo,” Naruto muttered in his sleep. Hinata smiled slightly.

“I’m not Shikamaru, don’t you recognize me?. Anyway you should take care of your friend, Naruto, he’s hurting over that guy he likes. He won’t trust to tell anyone so you have to figure out who it is on your own. You’re friends with him already I think,” She advised. Naruto would vaguely remember this conversation later, but not who he’d had it with. 

The next day found Shikamaru hungover and laying under a tree. He was found by Asuma, who laughed at his condition. 

“I’ll teach you something good i learned from the toad sage,” He crouched in front of him and they spent the morning learning a jutsu that would rid him of a hangover. Naruto came running up as they finished their first game of Shoji, asking about chakra. 

Shikamaru just watched, stifling a chuckle when his sensei made him promise to pay for lunch. 

“I think he forgot about Choji,” He commented when Naruto vanished. Asuma chuckled as well. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If he’d had known that would be the last day he saw Asuma, the last time they talked before a mission, he would have said more. He didn’t think about it until later. He remembered the day again as he sat on his own front porch after he’d finished setting up the trap. For the first time in a long time Gaara was very far from his mind. 

“I came to give you this,” Hinata walked up slowly, offering him a small bottle. “I don’t know how much you like alcohol, but I know Asuma Sensei did…. I was going to give him this for his next birthday… I’d like you to have it more than anyone else,” she carefully sat it down on the porch beside him when he wouldn’t take it. 

Silence grew between them and after a moment or two Hinata turned away. 

“I’m not the most assertive person out there. An omega like me isn’t usually meant to be, but,” She paused to look back at him and caught him sniffing the air, looking vaguely confused. “You didn’t know, right? I use a sealing jutsu. It’s a Huga head family specialty,” she explained. “I just wanted to say that if you need someone to talk to, or to not talk to, I’ll be around. You did a lot for Naruto when we were kids and I really appreciate that. You’re a good person, Shikamaru. A good friend,” She turned and left, and Shikamaru watched her curiously. Could she possibly know his secret? If she used the jutsu too the small signs that remained hidden to most would be obvious to her. So, she knew. But why hadn’t she said anything? He couldn’t bring himself to care about what had once been his biggest problem now that his teacher was gone. He stood to go to bed, taking the bottle with him as an afterthought. He couldn’t bring himself to care about hardly anything. 

The next day he sat on his porch for hours again, forgoing the lunch that his mother offered and just sitting there, dazed, until his father spoke. 

“Come hang out with me,” He offered. Shikamaru complied. 

He couldn’t even bring himself to care about shogi. He played any piece at all, knowing he’d lose even before his father prompted him but not caring. What did it matter, anyway? What did anything matter? He couldn’t even properly focus on what his father was saying. Yeah, he knew he wouldn’t stand a chance against such a powerful opponent as the Akatsuki. He failed once, why wouldn’t he fail again? Asuma was… way more powerful than he. He wasn’t a fool. If he went up against that guy again, he’d only get himself needlessly killed. He may be lazy but he didn’t want to die. His father went on, talking about how he could be depended on, but it was only making Shikamaru feel worse. His head swam, so he pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his forehead on them. He did his best to ignore his father’s words, until he went too far.

“But Asuma’s dead,”

WIthout his prompting, his hand swung out hard and he threw the table and board across the room. Pieces flew everywhere, and the candle went out. Shikamaru looked up at his father’s face, glaring. 

“What are you getting at?!” he demanded. His father didn’t seem to be fazed. 

“I’m speaking my mind,” he answered calmly. His lack of emotion just frustrated Shikamaru even more, and he stood. 

“Your prattling is making me sick to my stomach!” He gestured towards himself. “I’m nothing but a useless coward!” His father could go on all he liked about how smart and talented he was, about how much he could do, but in his heart Shikamaru couldn’t deny the truth. He’d failed to keep his teacher alive. He’d been depended on, trusted as a comrade, but in the end he hadn’t been able to do anything. 

“No,” Shikaku answered in the same slow even tone, shaking his head.

“Then what is it?!” 

His father stood to face him, and for a moment was silent. Shikamaru glared at him, barely able to hold in the turmoil of emotion in his chest. 

“Let it out,” 

The words hit him like a brick wall, and he nearly took a step back. How could his father know? He clenched his fists tighter and looked down, baring his teeth against the flood of emotions that had been threatening to overwhelm him. Wouldn’t it be shameful to let it all go? To be so open about how he felt?

“Let out all the sadness, fear, and anger that’s building up inside you,” His father advised. “That’s how you start,” His father turned to go, but not soon enough to miss the sudden contortion of agony on his son’s face. The door closed softly between them, but Shikamaru didn’t care. Suddenly he was crying. Tears wracked him, wave after wave of tears until he lay on the floor silently catching his breath from dry sobs that had only just subsided. His face was still wet with tears as he remembered his sensei. 

Just on the outside edge of the village, Hinata was met with a curious sight. She’d sensed something strange, and gone to investigate only to be met with the Kazekage himself, looking sleepless and haggard, and obviously worried. 

“I don’t--” Gaara began, but Hinata put one hand up to cut him off. 

“You’re here for that one. The one you gave the Hyuga family sealing jutsu to. His teacher died exactly six days ago. That’s how long it took you to get here, right?” she guessed. Gaara just blinked at her. She hadn’t been expecting an answer, though. She just smiled slightly.   
“As a Konoha ninja he has a duty to perform all missions given to him. It’s my understanding that you requested him specifically to help you in Suna, correct?” She tilted her head slightly and after another long moment of silence Gaara nodded. 

“This is correct. He was to meet me in Konoha in three days,” 

“Don’t make him choose between his duty to Konoha and his duty to avenging his teacher,” Hinata looked away. “Shikamaru is a good man. He’ll do what he needs to. He deserves revenge. If you need a ninja from Konoha to advise you, would it not suit you to have someone from a different clan?” she offered.   
Gaara considered this for a very long moment. He’d only come here to seek out Shikamaru--that much was undeniable. This woman was correct, too. If it had been his teacher to die, surely Shikamaru would seek out his killer. He wouldn’t be able to do that if he was in Suna and much as Gaara wanted to hold him close… 

“You’re right,” he admitted softly. “I shall speak to the Hokage directly,” 

“You can stay at my house if you need to, Kazekage-sama. The Hokage is still asleep, and unless it’s urgent you shouldn’t have to bother speaking to her. You haven’t gotten any rest on your way from Suna, have you,” She’d phrased it as a question, but wasn’t really asking. It was clear on Gaara’s face that he was tired. Gaara nodded slightly.

“I thank you,” He stepped closer to walk beside her. “The ninja of Konoha never cease to surprise me. You… haven’t told anyone about that omega’s condition, have you?” He looked at her, worried for his friend’s secret. She smiled knowingly and shook her head. 

“No. Those who use the seal have their own reasons. I only noticed myself because I was looking for it,” She admitted. “I was the one who advised the Hokage on its existence, and was curious about who among Konoha’s ninja would need such a thing,” 

“I don’t...understand his motivations, but it’s important to him that nobody knows. So I appreciate your discretion,” Gaara said quietly. They didn’t talk much after that, and Hinata let him in quietly to her home and showed him to the guest area. She would explain to her family that he had come unexpectedly, if he even bothered to rest long enough for them to notice his presence. 

The next day Gaara woke just after dawn and left the Hyuga home before anyone was awake to see him. He went immediately to wait for the Hokage to wake and explain the situation to her. Thankfully she was awake early, and though she seemed confused at his sudden change of heart she agreed. 

As Gaara met with The Hokage, Shikamaru was just waking up. He felt strangely empty. Dragged out, like he was all used up from spending so much emotion the night before. He only cast the sealing jutsu again out of habit. 

He walked out down the streets distantly, ignoring everyone. Naruto tried to talk to him, but he just shook him off and kept walking. He didn’t want to talk to anyone--at least that’s what he thought until he heard a painfully familiar voice call him from the shadow of a building he was passing. 

“Shikamaru,” 

He looked up with wide eyes to see Gaara. “W..what are you doing here, Gaara?” He wanted to know, walking towards him. 

“I’m not sure,” He admitted, looking up at the sky. “But… I heard what happened. I want you to know that you don’t have to go to Suna anymore,” 

“What? But I’m supposed to--” Shikamaru began, cut off by Gaara reaching out and lightly touching his shoulder. The simple contact sent shockwaves of feeling through him, breaking up the numbness that he’d felt since the mission where his teacher had died.

“I heard what happened. I may not fully understand love, but I do know revenge. Someone offered to take your place,” He assured him.   
Shikamaru deflated with relief. He’d been worried about this all morning--now that he had motivation for revenge, he was stopped by a promise to Gaara. 

“But the Hokage--” 

“I talked to her this morning. Don’t worry,” He smiled slightly, and Shikamaru had to smile in return even though it was a sad sort of smile. 

“Thank you,” He whispered. 

“What are friends for?” Gaara let his hand fall to his sides. “I’ll be leaving as soon as I meet up with the ninja who’ll be joining me. I wasn’t even supposed to leave Suna so my siblings will be worried,” 

“Who is it?” Shikamaru wondered aloud. It was puzzling, since Gaara had said someone offered to. 

“Hello, Kazekage-sama,” Hinata spoke from behind them, shouldering a bag. “Shikamaru. Keep up on your Tai-jutsu practice while i’m in Suna, alright?” 

“Hinata! You--” He looked between Gaara, who was smiling at him just slightly, and Hinata. “You...really pay attention to things don’t you?” 

“Go on and get to it, Nara,” She said dismissively, smiling at him. “You’ve been putting it off for too long already,” 

“Alright, alright,” Shikamaru felt better than he had before, though he still felt off. He straightened and took a deep steadying breath. Now he knew exactly what he was going to do. “Naruto should pay attention to you before someone else does,” He added under his breath. “Even if you are a troublesome woman,” he turned away, casting one last smile at Gaara before leaving. 

Choji and Ino met him at the grave of his teacher. He lit a cigarette and put it on the stone, smiling sadly. 

“I’m sorry it took so long…” He said quietly. Determination that hadn’t been there since his teacher had passed lit his eyes. 

“We’re ready, Shikamaru,” Ino said. He stood. They had to go talk to the Hokage first of course, but that shouldn’t delay them long. 

“Let’s go,” 

Gaara watched Shikamaru from afar as he crouched at the grave of his teacher, forgetting that Hinata was watching him very closely. He thought of his own teacher, if he could be called that, and wondered how it should feel to lose someone like that. Was it the same as he would feel? Somehow he doubted it. Suddenly though, something clicked in the back of his mind. The words Shikaku Nara had spoken to him years ago echoed in his head. 

_You’re no longer the most important thing in the world._

“It hurts to lose someone you love, doesn’t it?” He wondered softly to himself. 

“Yes It does,” Hinata answered him quietly. Gaara glanced at her, surprised that she would bother to answer him. Most people thought he wasn’t asking when he said things like that. 

“How much time do you need before we leave?” He asked. There were more important tasks at hand than the fate of the omega that had been on his mind for so long. More important even than the growing feeling in his chest that he didn’t fully understand, the feeling that was like pain and warmth combined. 

“I can leave immediately, Hokage-sama,” 

_The leaf is as formidable as ever. Even the weak are strong here…_


	5. Lost Bets and More Regrets

The next few weeks were a web of important meetings and files strung together with long nights working over technical, wordy documents with Hinata and emissaries of other villages. Gaara was as tired as ever but drove himself ever on. Hinata watched him as he worked and couldn’t help but be reminded of Naruto. When he finally reached his goal, he might be something like this. She hadn’t seen it before but now that she was working closely with the Kazekage she couldn’t help but realize that they had a lot in common. After a very long meeting one night she couldn’t help but mention it--obviously surprising him. 

“You’re just like him, you know,” 

He looked up from the scroll he was writing in. His eyes widening ever so slightly--the greatest show of surprise he would ever show. “Hn?” His mind went automatically to a certain pretty brown-eyed omega, but how could she mean him?

“Naruto, I mean. You both work so hard to protect everyone. I think he’ll be a lot like you when he finally reaches his goal. Working without breaks until the job is done and even then looking for more. You don’t have to finish that tonight and you’re still working,” She pointed out, setting a cup of tea on his desk and sitting to drink her own. Gaara watched her, curious. So this was the girl that Naruto had fought for in the chunin exams. Even he had noticed how much she seemed to care about him and of course Naruto remained ever oblivious. 

“Thank you for saying so. I don’t sleep as much as most people though so I suppose it’s habit now. You can go if you like I’ll have it delivered to you in the morning,” He answered her quietly. “...Thanks for the tea,” 

“It was no problem, I made some for myself as well after all,” Hinata waved him off as she would anyone, and bowed slightly before leaving him to his work. She knew he’d been up far longer than her but she was still very tired. How can one person work so hard, on so little sleep? It’s amazing really… Hinata headed to the hotel she was staying at in Suna, setting her empty teacup aside on her way out. Thoughts of Naruto flashed in her head as she fell asleep. Perhaps that alpha would notice her one day, as well… She didn’t wait around for him as she used to, but still the hope was there. 

Shikamaru was changed after Hidan’s death. Older, somehow, and more mature. He no longer lazed about--even in his free time he liked to stay busy. There was much that he could do, so why not? One of the bigger changes in his life was the new habit for smoking. He sat on the porch with his father every night and smoked one, in the final quiet moments of his day when he finally let himself relax. It had been nearly two months since he’d seen Gaara, and for the first time since then he suddenly thought of the Alpha. He sighed and a slight smile curled up the edges of his lips as he laid back to stare up at the night sky. 

“Who is it?” His father wondered. 

“Hn?” 

“Who is it that’s making you sigh like that? I remember that look. Brought me loads of trouble when i’d first met that one,” He nodded pointedly to the house where Shikamaru’s mother was.

“You’d better hope she didn’t hear you call her that,” Shikamaru laughed softly and avoided the question. That feeling bubbled up in his chest again, the one that made his limbs heavy and electrified and crushed his chest so that it was hard to breathe. That feeling he only got when he was thinking of Gaara. It was getting harder and harder to ignore the fact that he longed for a relationship that was more than friends with the Kazekage. He ground the cigarette between his teeth and closed his eyes. After a moment or two of pushing he abruptly put out the cigarette and pocketed it. 

“Goodnight, Dad,”

Shikaku watched his son go with knowing eyes. A man could tell when a younger man was in love and avoiding it. Even if that young man couldn’t see it for himself yet. As everything with his son he would let it be until he had no choice but to step in. Shikamaru could work things out alone usually, and he was already an adult. 

The next day Shikamaru sought out Naruto when it started getting late. He found his old friend sitting on the ground beside a tree, clearly just having finished training. 

“Yo,” Shikamaru moved to sit with him. 

“Shikachan!” 

“Ugh, you’re still gonna call me that?” He groaned. 

“Shika..chan?” Sakura wondered, dropping down from the tree she’d been perched in and casting Shikamaru an amused look. He groaned and lit a cigarette. 

“I lost a bet. We were really drunk I was hoping he’d forget, but…” 

 

“Shikamaru, you’re both still underage, why were you--” 

“Shhh,’ Naruto interrupted her, laughing when she glared at him. 

“I wanted to talk to you about something private, Naruto,” Shikamaru very pointedly didn’t look up from where he was staring at the ground. He could practically feel Sakura’s curiosity boring into his head through her glare. He ignored it. 

“Uh… yeah, sure. I’m done today anyhow,” Naruto tried to stand but failed, and laughed. “Give me a minute though I’m still really tired,” 

“Really. You always do this, train until you can’t move. I’m going to bed, you two can talk here,” Sakura bid them goodnight, and for a very long time Shikamaru just stared at the spot where she’d been. 

“Are you okay, Shikachan?” Naruto asked quietly. His eyes jerked up to meet Naruto’s and though he wanted to say yes, he was fine, he shook his head slightly. 

“I… think I asked you about it that night, when we were drinking,” He murmured. “Do you remember?” 

Naruto uncharacteristically avoided his eyes and stared up at the slowly darkening sky. “About...liking someone?” He clarified. “Yeah I remember. I still think it’s fine,” 

“What if I told you it was someone….not from this village?” He asked quietly. Naruto had to look at him now, and he winced slightly. “Someone… really strong,” He added. He couldn’t bring himself to say it. In fact he almost hoped Naruto wouldn’t realize who he meant. Perhaps that’s why he had talked to Naruto and not Ino or Choji. 

“Uh…. I don’t know who you’re talking about, but… If you really feel that way, why would it be bad?” Naruto scratched the back of his head and sighed. “I know if It was me I would go for it. If you want it, take it. No way are you gonna get anywhere just sitting around talking to me about it, you know? So if it’s the sand you want, then go,” he grinned and reached out his hand as if to touch the sky. “I don’t get why you’d like another guy. I said it before, it’s kinda gross. But you can’t help it, right? If anyone can do it it’s you. You’re like the smartest guy I know. Believe in yourself--I believe in you. So do a lot of people,” He groaned and stood. “I hope that’s all you had to ask, because I’m gonna fall asleep if I sit any more. I have to get up early tomorrow to train,” 

“Yeah, thanks Naruto,” Shikamaru just laid back against the post, thinking hard. He still wasn’t willing to admit it to himself--despite the mounting evidence to the contrary, there was no way. It was one thing to admit that he could possibly like another guy. He could hide it all he wanted but when it came down to it he was still just an Omega. Such a thing wouldn’t be difficult to believe. But… Of all people, that one? 

“No. No, It’s not true,” He said decisively to himself. Ash dropped onto his vest and he sat up to wipe it away. He’d been sitting here too long. 

“He’s never going to get it,”

Shikamaru looked up to see Sakura sitting in the tree above him, smirking down at him. 

“I thought you had to go,” He grumbled. Of everyone in the village Sakura had become one of the most troublesome women he knew. He didn’t want to talk to someone like her. Not only was she strong-willed, but she was also very very smart. Smart enough to have figured out exactly what they were talking about. 

“I thought you’d notice that I hadn’t,” She shot back, dropping from the tree to look down at him closer. He just groaned and looked away. 

“I don’t want to talk about it, Sakura,” He growled. 

“Okay, but it’ll only get worse until you talk to someone that’s just how love works. Why not talk to Ino? She’s a pig, but she’s on your team. Even if she isn’t as smart as I am she’ll get it,” she waved her fingers dismissively and he let her go. Certainly he had to admit she was right--if he couldn’t notice such a banal thing as her still being around, he was too distracted already. It would only get worse from here.  
He couldn’t sleep that night for all the thoughts whirling around in his head. Sometime just before dawn he groaned softly and got out of bed. Might as well go do something productive to get his mind off of things.  
He wasn’t particularly surprised to see Lee training so early. He was perhaps even more determined than Naruto was when it came to training. 

“Shikamaru! Have you come to train? Usually everyone is still asleep this early,” Lee immediately noticed him, of course. He flicked the ash from his cigarette and meandered closer. 

“If you don’t mind a training partner, I would appreciate it. You’ve been a taijutsu specialist for years now, and I could use some improvement in that area,” He put out his cigarette and dropped it in his pocket for later. 

“It won’t be easy!” Lee warned seriously, jerking to attention. 

“Nothing ever is, unfortunately,” Shikamaru answered, and with that he followed his friend’s lead in training. When Choji and Ino found him later that afternoon with a summons from the Hokage he was dripping with sweat and exhausted. 

“Shikamaru. You’re training your taijutsu?” Choji blinked at him in amazement. He looked up at his friend but didn’t budge from where he laid on the ground. 

“Yeah. I shouldn’t have, though, because now i have to train again with lee every day for the next week because I lost another stupid bet,” He groaned. 

“You do that a lot, Shika-chan,” Sakura said mockingly as she walked up. Shikamaru groaned. 

“You don’t get to call me that, you didn’t win the bet,” She laughed and apologized as he sat up to light his cigarette. 

“Excuse me?” 

“I lost a bet with Naruto, too, and now he’s decided to call me that,” He grumbled. “The Hokage needs us you said?” Choji nodded, opening up another bag of chips. 

“See you tomorrow morning, Shikamaru! Train harder next time!” Lee called after them as they left, and Shikamaru just groaned. He ached all over, but he had to admit to himself that it would pay off. Lee worked hard, but he was also one of the best in the village. 

“Sakrua told me there was something you wanted to talk about,” Ino commented as they walked, eyeing him. Shikamaru stopped dead in his tracks, pushing down the feeling that was building up in his stomach again. 

“...what a pain that woman can be,” He growled under his breath. “I told her I don’t want to talk about it,” Before either of them could argue with him on it, he struck out ahead of them too quickly for them to bother with conversation. There wasn’t much that he hated more than someone not letting him do things at his own pace. He followed through with the mission they were given by the Hokage--a short one, barely a day’s run from Konoha. They made it back into the city very late, but Shikamaru didn’t bother trying to sleep. His head swirled with thoughts and feelings that he couldn’t pin down and didn’t dare try to process or let out.  
The team separated for the night, and he stayed sitting on the stone benches that lined the path out of Konoha. He didn’t even notice Choji coming up to him until his friend sat beside him. For a long time neither of them spoke, but eventually Shikamaru couldn’t help it--he broke the silence with a drawn out sigh. 

“I don’t want to talk,” He insisted. Choji just smiled knowingly and waited. More silence, and swirling thoughts that built up in Shikamaru’s head until only about 15 minutes later he had to speak again. 

“Sakura was right when she said it would get worse unless I talked to someone,” He admitted softly. Choji raised his eyebrows at his friend, but still didn’t speak. He’d known Shikamaru long enough to realize that he would talk when it suited him. There was another pause. Two cigarettes later, Shikamaru couldn’t help it anymore. He dropped his head low and visibly deflated slightly. 

“I don’t know how it started,” he admitted. “I.. didn’t think it would ever happen, let alone to someone… Well, let alone someone like that,” 

“What happened?” 

“I… Well, I..” He didn’t know where to begin. The beginning, he supposed. “I only wanted to be friends. I didn’t mean for it to go so...so strangely. I just wanted to make up for the secret, but it just--that smell, and the way I feel around--I can’t--” He cut himself short when he realized his hands were shaking. 

“You’re...in love, aren’t you?” Choji wasn’t looking at him, but peering dejectedly into his suddenly empty bag of chips. “And you don’t know what to do with it,” 

Shikamaru looked up at his friend, nodding slowly. A pained light leaked into his eyes. 

“I shouldn’t be--of all people, it couldn’t be-- They’re from Suna, too, isn’t that troublesome?” He smiled weakly. “I just...wish it could have been…” 

“Go for it,” Choji advised. “Nothing wrong with liking someone who isn’t from Konoha. Honestly I would have been surprised if it’d been someone we already knew as kids. The world is a big place,” 

“You don’t know what you’re saying,” Shikamaru thought of Gaara again and his stomach flipped sickeningly. Of all people, why did it have to be the Kazekage? Such a troublesome Alpha, and yet...nobody else made him feel so at peace. The thought was crushing like the weight fell on his chest making it hard for him to breathe.

“What, is it because they’re a Suna ninja? Don’t worry so much. Besides, the Kazekage Gaara--” Choji began, but Shikamaru cut him off. 

“Don’t say his name!” He snapped. “Gaara is only my friend, and not even so much that! I owed him a favor, that’s all,” He turned and fled before Choji could speak. 

“..I thought we were talking about Temari,” Choji murmured to himself, and stood up to go home. 

In the darkness outside the village, just within hearing distance of them, Gaara stood silently. Hinata was just behind him, and watched Shikamaru run with a worried expression. She still didn’t know Gaara well, but she could feel the anger pulsing from him in waves. She only just caught it, but a look of pain crossed his eyes for a moment before it was gone. 

“You may go. I have no need of a konoha ninja in my village anymore, and I’m sure your Hokage has need of all of her strong ninja,” he turned and left. “I will be in Konoha in the morning when the Hokage awakens,” Before Hinata could say so much as a word to stop him, Gaara vanished in a cloud of sand.  
These two… neither of them know what they’re doing, do they? She realized, and with a sigh made her way home. Was it her place to help two men who didn’t seem to realize they were already irreversibly connected? Still she couldn’t just let it go.

Shikamaru was even less sure of himself now that he’d talked to Choji about it. All he could do was keep moving, keep putting things on his plate so he would have too much to deal with to even have time to think of that alpha. He spent the morning training with Lee again, and for a while he thought he might be able to do it. Until he saw that telltale figure so far away. Burgundy cloth that cut through the crowd would have given it away even if he hadn’t scented him. 

“G...gaara,” He whispered, and took a step back. His first instinct was to go to him. 

“Gaara!” He called to him, and the Alpha didn’t even turn to look at him. 

“Did you have some business with me?” he spoke softly, but the anger in his voice struck him like he was shouting. 

“N...no, I guess not, I just…” His words died, crushed by the weight of his gaze. Gaara turned to look at him and he found himself looking into the coldest eyes he’d ever seen. They mirrored the ones he’d seen in Lee’s hospital room all those years ago. 

“If you have no business with me, I have to be going. Important things require my attention,” He turned away. 

“But--” Shikamaru reached to touch him and his hand was pushed away by a thin tendril of sand. 

“I thought you said we weren’t even friends? Your secret is safe. Take your pity and go,” Gaara tilted his head slightly, voice dripping with malice. _W...wait, how did he know I…_

“That’s not what I--!” Shikamaru wanted to explain himself, but Gaara had already started walking away again. Watching him go left a sick feeling in his chest. He felt empty, horrified that words spoken in fear and denial had cost him... _cost me what?_ Shikamaru lit another cigarette and shoved his hands in his pockets.

“What a pain…” 

The days passed at a painfully slow crawl. No matter how much more he trained, no matter what he did he couldn’t fill the sick empty pit that had stuck in his chest. He even started avoiding Hinata--anyone who knew his secret made him feel sick, empty, and he didn’t want to think about any of it. Unfortunately he could only do so much, and when the Hokage herself sent him on a mission to Suna he couldn’t refuse. 

“You have a good relationship with the Kazekage and his siblings,” she had said as she gave him the mission. He didn’t have the heart to tell her that she was wrong, that Gaara hated him because of his own stupid mouth. The journey there was harrowing. He couldn’t sleep at all in the three day trip, so by the time he got to Suna he had dark rings around his eyes that mirrored Gaara’s. Nobody had the heart to mention it, or dare ask why. 

“A message from the Hokage,” Shikamaru said quietly, bowing perhaps lower than was necessary. “Our team will wait here for your answer. I’m to help you with any details you need,” He explained. Gaara took the scroll and opened it, looking it over with blank eyes. 

“It will take me two days to finish what the Hokage is asking for,” 

“Gaara, I--” 

“You may go. If I need the leaf I will send for one of you,” He didn’t even look at him. It was as if there was a heavy door between them. It was almost as heart wrenching as the weight of regret between them that was so heavy that Shikamaru was having trouble breathing. He bowed again, and left. Once outside the building Choji spoke.

“Shikamaru… why don’t you try to sleep? It’ll be a while until he’s done with--” 

“I’m fine,” Shikamaru turned away from Choji, who watched him go worriedly.


	6. The Weight of Secrets

Their stay in Suna was decidedly unhappy. All of the sand siblings were cold at best and at worst openly angry at Shikamaru--they didn’t know exactly what had happened between Shikamaru and their brother, but they knew what it looked like when Gaara was upset with someone and that in itself was enough. The other two they treated with the same friendly attitude as they had in Konoha. Ino considered these actions with a puzzled mind--It was as if Shikamaru had done something to anger them as a person, because they still seemed to treat the leaf as friends. Though Shikamaru didn’t need to be told such things (he ignored Ino when she asked him and Choji about it) Gaara even went so far as to say as much, when Shikamaru was alone with him. 

“You should know that I still hold the leaf in the highest regard,” He said quietly as he looked over Shikamaru’s shoulder at the notes he was taking. “Suna will be there for the leaf if need be,” He turned away, but Shikamaru could feel his anger like a knife in his back. “It would be in your best interest as a man to avoid taking missions here, if at all possible,” 

“G….Kazekage-dono? Have I….angered you somehow?” 

Gaara shot him a scathing glare and the stone stillness of his face suddenly broke like glass shattering, twisting up with palpable anger. “You know _exactly_ what you did, Shikamaru Nara. I respect the leaf, and I will not allow my personal feelings get in the way of the peace I have worked so hard to build for my people, but I don’t want to look at your face. I don’t want to hear your voice, and I especially don’t want to have your scent lingering in my city. You make me ache, you and your fake friendship. I want you out of my city, out of my line of sight for the rest of your miserable life. But if the Hokage insists on sending your team for these meetings, I will not allow it to hinder the mission,” He turned away and though sand rythed around him like dying snakes he sounded as if he had gotten ahold of himself. 

“You may go, Nara. Have one of the others come to get the finished scrolls,” He vanished again in a puff of sand, leaving Shikamaru there on the floor. He let his head fall forward onto the mat he was sitting on, breath ragged. There was no question in his mind of whether or not he deserved this--surely he did. He had wanted too much from the man, and ended up ruining what little he did have. Tears pooled at the corners of his eyes. _Gaara, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry._  
Yes, he would do his best to stay out of that man’s way from now on, even though the thought of never seeing him again made him want to cry. He pushed the tears away with a deep breath and left the room, lighting another cigarette as soon as he was outside. 

Choji and Ino noticed immediately that there was a change in Shikamaru's mood. Ino was the one to ask, as soon as they were out of Suna city limits. 

“Are you okay, Shikamaru?” 

“I’m fine,” 

“You don’t look--” 

“ _I said I’m fine_ , Stop meddling, woman,” He cut her off, turning to stare at her with painfully empty eyes. She dropped it, but both she and Choji felt far more worried about their friend. 

Shikamaru was very quiet on their trip back to Konoha. He only spoke when he was directly asked to, and answered in monotone with only facts. Choji tried a few times when they were alone to ask him about how he was feeling but Shikamaru just brushed it off. In silence, he delivered the scroll to the Hokage and broke off from them without so much as glancing up at them. Choji followed him, worried as to what he would do, but all he did was train his taijutsu. He didn’t get back home until late into the night and even then he couldn’t sleep well. He began to train with Lee every day, regardless of whether or not he lost a bet. He would even follow Lee on his strange “training” punishments. Naruto found him doing pushups, counting up to 1000. 

“Shikachan!” He called, when it looked like they were done. Shikamaru sat up to look at him, and lit a cigarette. 

“Naruto,” 

“Come hang out with me! I just got back from learning a cool new jutsu, don’t you want to see it?” He walked up to stand with them. “Hi, Lee! You can come too if you want,” 

“I appreciate the offer, Naruto, but i have to sleep early! Much training to do tomorrow! See you in the morning, Shikamaru. Goodnight,” He waved, and walked off with ease that impressed Shikamaru. They’d been training hard that day, and it was still clear that he was worlds above him. Frankly Shikamaru wasn’t sure he would ever be at that man’s level of taijutsu. 

“Sure, I’ll go. I won’t be sleeping for a while anyway,” Shikamaru finally permitted, getting up off the ground to follow Naruto with his hands shoved deep into his pockets.  
Apparently by ‘hang out’ Naruto had meant drink. He didn’t know when his friend had started to drink so much, but he didn’t care enough to question it. Frankly he thought he might enjoy the break from his thoughts. 

 

“So, so, Shikamaru, tell me what happened,” Naruto prompted after the first few drinks when he thought his friend might have loosened up a bit. 

“Hnn?” 

“You know. Between you and…” He leaned in to whisper behind his hand. “That guy you like. You look really sad, did he hurt you? Tell me who he is, I’ll go punch him out for you,” He whispered. Shikamaru blinked at him for a long moment and smiled wryly. What a Naruto thing to say… 

“No, it’s not his fault. I… I said something I shouldn’t have. He heard me say we weren’t… even friends, because I didn’t want to admit that i liked him,” He let his head fall into his hands. “Naruto, I.... I really fucked up, I think,” His voice wavered and cracked, and this time he couldn’t stop the tears that pooled in his eyes. 

“It’s okay, Shikamaru, there’s other...uh, guys out there,” Naruto offered, trying valiantly to help his friend even though he still couldn’t process the idea that someone would like a guy over a girl. Sure, girls liked guys but girls were weird.

“Not like...not like him,” Shikamaru answered hoarsely. “Naruto, I--He’s...I’ve never met anyone who made me comfortable with who I am. It isn’t just how he looks, it’s everything. Everything someone like me is supposed to want in an Alpha, and I didn’t want to admit it but I think I wanted it. I think I really wanted it so much because it was him, and he’s so perfect that it makes me forget how bad i hate myself sometimes, and now it’s too late because he hates me too,” Tears were now flowing down his face full force and he didn’t dare look up because he didn’t want Naruto to see him looking so shameful.

“W...Shikachan I’m too drunk to get what you mean. Whatcha mean people like you? Ninja? I’m a ninja too, you know,” Naruto asked. 

“You really don’t know? You haven’t figured it out yet? Hinata even figured it out I thought it was obvious and people were just being nice about not mentioning it,” If he was sober he never would have done it, but as drunk and as sad as he was, he was feeling reckless. He looked up to do a line of signs, slow and careful, and when he finished the set he put his hands together in the ‘release’ sign. The seal broke with an audible snap and his scent flooded the room. Naruto sat up, eyes wide, and rubbed his face. 

“Shikachan, you’re--!” 

“I know,” Shikamaru scrubbed his face on his sleeve to try to stem the flow of tears but they just kept coming. “It’s gross, right? Shameful, right? Twisted, pathetic omega hiding for so long. I know. I know. _I know, I know, I know._ I wanted so much to hide it and when Gaara found out back then he understood and he hid it too and we became friends because he’s really not as bad as everyone thought, he’s so kind and sweet and careful, and sometimes he doesn’t understand things but he really really tries, he tries harder than anybody, and god Naruto he smells _so good_ I swear it drives me crazy when I see him, but I wanted too much, he just wanted to be friends and he found out how disgusting I am and now when he looks at me he’s so angry, so cold and he told me that i hurt him, that he never wants to see my face again because… b-because I make him ache,” by the end of this his words were almost inaudible between sobs. Naruto sighed and pulled his friend into a hug. Of all people, he never would have expected it to be Gaara. He wondered if Gaara would understand how badly he’d hurt Shikamaru. He grit his teeth in anger. Sure, Gaara was his friend. But there was no excuse for making his friends cry. He saw no reason for Shikamaru to deserve being this upset. 

“It’s okay, Shikachan,” he assured him. For a while Shikamaru couldn’t answer. He cried until he was empty again, clutching at Naruto’s shirt front. After the cries subsided into sobs which subsided into shallow uneven breaths, he finally spoke again. 

“Im disgusting, right?” 

Naruto looked down at him, surprised. “What? No you’re not, don’t be stupid,” 

“You don’t have to lie to me, Naruto, I’m not an idiot,” He mumbled. “God, I couldn’t just be an omega I had to also fall for...him…” He covered his face with his hands again. 

“It’ll get better, Shikachan,” Naruto gently moved his hand so he could see his face and smiled. “Sure Gaara is a good guy but he’s not the only one out there, okay?” 

“It’s useless, anyway,” Shikamaru sat up and scrubbed his face. “No guy would like me. I’m probably the only idiot in the world that likes the wrong gender,” Naruto sighed in annoyance at this, but didn’t speak. What was there to say? What could he say to someone so much smarter than him to make him understand that he was the one who was being dumb this time? 

Naruto suddenly got an idea; a brazen, unexpected, ridiculous idea. He leaned in and kissed Shikamaru, messy and wet from alcohol and tears, but undeniably on purpose. 

Shikamaru, of course, jerked away as soon as he realized what he was allowing to happen. He stared at his friend in open awe. 

“What the hell was that for?” His voice cracked again but he ignored it. “You’re not like me. You don’t like guys,” 

“I like you though. You’re my friend. Besides, i’ve kissed a guy before. Sasuke’s grosser than you, by a lot,” He dropped both hands on Shikamaru’s shoulders. “Now you can’t say nobody would kiss you. ‘Cuz I already did,” He grinned brightly as always and Shikamaru couldn’t help but smile. 

“You’re an idiot, Naruto,” He mumbled. “Can I smoke in here?” 

“Yeah sure just don’t set the place on fire,” Naruto laid down on the ground and wiped his mouth off on his sleeve. “I’m goin’ to sleep, okay? I’m tired,” 

“Goodnight,” 

Shikamaru lit a cigarette, staring down at Naruto as he quickly fell asleep. _He’s quite a guy…_ After such a bold, ridiculous statement he couldn’t deny that he was being ridiculous. The pain subsided to a dull ache in his chest. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, being without Gaara. After all he’d never had him to begin with. 

Shikamaru fell asleep that night beside Naruto on the floor. He slept better than he had in weeks, and when he woke the next morning he found himself curled up and tucked into Naruto’s arms. Sometime in the night one of them had turned closer to the other and he’d ended up laying beside him with his head on Naruto’s chest. He opened one eye and groaned at the light, immediately shutting it and turning his head into Naruto’s chest. 

“Sshhhhh, I’m sleeping, Is too early Shikachan,” Naruto groaned, and pulled him into a tighter hug. 

“Naruto… Naruto get off me, it’s almost noon,” He pointed out, cracking one eye open to see the clock. 

“Ssshhhhh……” 

He was still very tired from the lack of sleep over the past few days, and despite his better judgement he was happy to oblige. They both fell asleep again. Two hours passed, and they were startled awake by the sound of a knock at the door. 

“Shit!” Shikamaru hissed, sitting bolt upright and looking for a place to hide. Naruto groaned. 

“Go awaaaay!” he shouted, but got up anyway and pointed to the bathroom door. Shikamaru grabbed his things and darted to it, immediately performing the seal when he got there. Naruto opened the door and squinted at Sakura.

“It’s past noon, why aren’t you awake?!” She chided. He just groaned and rubbed his eyes. 

“Whatcha want, Sakura-chan? I’m tired,” 

“You reek of Omega,” She added disapprovingly. “Did you stay up late with a girl even though you knew you had a mission today? Even Kakashi-sensei got there before you did,” 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m goin’,” Naruto yawned again. “Gimme like… ten...uh, fifteen minutes, I’ll be there,” he added, and closed the door before she could argue. 

“I need the bathroom,” He knocked on the door. “Gotta pee, drank too much,” 

“Yeah, here. S-sorry,” Shikamrau ducked out of the bathroom, still half dressed. He couldn’t look Naruto in the eye after the night before. They hadn’t even drank that much so there wasn’t a question in his mind that Naruto remembered. He wanted to leave before he got out of the bathroom but Sakura was waiting for him outside. So instead he just stewed over what he’d done and made Naruto some tea. 

“Oh, thanks,” Naruto said when he got out of the bathroom. “Sorry I have to rush off, I forgot there’s a mission today,” he sat down at the table in front of Shikamaru to drink his tea. 

 

“It’s fine. I was going to leave while you were in there but Sakura is waiting for you outside and if she sees me…” He trailed off and leaned back in his chair until he was staring at the ceiling. “...About last night, I’m really sorry,” He added in a softer voice. 

“What? Why?” Halfway through a bite of cup ramen Naruto looked up to blink uncomprehendingly at him. “Is it because you were sad? Because that’s basically the reason I invited you over. You’re my friend I wanted to cheer you up, you’ve been moping around for ages,” He took a bite and continued talking through his food. “...Just because you’re an Omega doesn’t mean we’re not still friends, that’d just be dumb. I know i’m not smart like you or Sakura but not even i’m that dumb,” 

Shikamaru had to smile slightly at his candid attitude. Naruto had a voided saying what he was talking about though. He exhaled a large cloud of smoke. 

“N...Naruto, I’m talking about the kiss,” He scowled at the ceiling. “I know you did it just because I was being an idiot, and I can’t imagine it was pleasant for you to--” He cut off when Naruto suddenly leaned across the table and plucked the cigarette out of his mouth. 

“You’re still being an idiot,” He grinned and kissed him lightly. “If you want me to do it again you just have to ask. It’s not a big deal you know. It’s not like i’m gonna catch something from you,” He sat back and offered the cigarette, which Shikamaru stared at for a very long moment before taking it. 

“You didn’t have to….” He trailed off and licked his lips. Naruto tasted like Ramen and sweat. “I mean, thanks, but it’s….kind of sad that my first kiss was you just trying to cheer me up,” He looked down at the table between them and exhaled another cloud of smoke before putting out his cigarette. 

“Well my first kiss was that _idiot_ Sasuke, and I don’t even _like_ guys. I know, cuz now i’ve kissed two of them,” Naruto pointed out. Shikamaru laughed loudly. 

“I remember that day. The girls looked like they were gonna kill you,” He recalled his days at the academy with a smile. The empty pit in his stomach was ebbed away by the memories, though he could still feel heavy sadness behind the memories. 

“Yeah Sakura was scary even back then,” Naruto winced and set aside his empty ramen cup. “I have to go. You can lock the door for me right? Sakura is gonna yell at me again,” He stood up and fixed the zipper of his jumpsuit. 

“Yeah, I got it. I’m gonna clean up too, your house is disgusting,” The room was littered with mess, piled up after weeks of not picking up. Naruto laughed. 

“Thanks, Shikachan!” He darted to the door but stopped with his hand on the handle. “Um, if you need me again just ask. I don’t mind at all, you know. I mean… I can’t do it with you but a kiss is nothing, okay?” he offered a smile and Shikamaru nodded. He doubted he would be able to bring himself to ask such a thing, but for Naruto to offer was enough. 

“Thanks, Naruto,” 

He knew he should get going too, that he’d already missed a lot today, but he couldn’t bring himself to. Leave yet. The night before had finally hit him full force. Naruto hadn’t reacted to learning his secret at all like he’d thought he would. Keeping so much hidden was starting to wear him down. Now that he had ruined his friendship with Gaara he wondered if it was really a good idea to hide who he was. He left Naruto’s house about an hour after Naruto had, locking it and deciding he would return the keys when he saw him again. His mind was still in turmoil when he met up with his team again. 

“Where have you been all morning?” Ino complained at him. “We’ve been trying to find you for hours! You never went home last night?!” 

“I was at Naruto’s house,” He lit a cigarette. “Overslept,” 

“Lazy as ever, eh, Shikamaru?” Choji laughed, spraying crumbs everywhere. “You almost missed lunch,” 

“Do you two want to go to Yaniku Q?” he offered. “I’ll buy,” 

“I’m starved! You can’t back out now that you promised, Shikamaru, let’s go!” he dashed off ahead, and Shikamaru followed walking slower with Ino. 

“You seem….better,” She said hesitantly, as if she expected him to be angry. 

“I am,” He admitted quietly. “I… Decided not to hide as much of who I am anymore. I don’t know why I even bothered starting, it’s a bother to keep secrets,” He answered quietly. This caught her interest. She straightened, eyes wide, and turned to stare at him. 

“Secrets? Shikamaru, what have you been hiding?” He looked at her, and wondered why she was so interested. 

“It’s not going to be as interesting as you think,” He grumbled, unable to admit it now that he was on the spot. To decide it wasn’t a good idea was one thing but to actually say it was another. He quickened his pace.

“Just tell me, i want to know!” Ino trotted after him, annoyed, but he didn’t answer. She pestered him all day about it, bringing an only half interested Choji into it, but to no avail. 

 

“I”ll tell you when it comes up in conversation, stop rushing me,” he finally told her that night. “Though I don’t know if it will. It’s not something we really talk about most of the time,” 

“You’re no fun at all!” Ino complained, but dropped it. The next day Shikamaru woke up early enough to train with Rock Lee, and half an hour through it he stopped short to look into the trees behind them. 

“Hinata, why are you hiding?” He called. She jumped down and smiled. 

“I could ask you the same. You’ve been avoiding me. Do you like training with Lee better?” She offered Lee a smile. 

“It became a habit when you were away,” He admitted. “And...after what happened with…” He trailed off and glanced at Lee. “Um, I shouldn’t have avoided you. It was foolish,” 

“It’s alright, Shikamaru, I understand. Naruto told me to ask if you still had his keys, though, He says he had to use a spare to get in,” 

“Oh, shit,” Shikamaru dug around in his pockets for a moment before finding them. “I forgot, here,” He offered them to her but she just shook her head. 

“He’s looking for you. I have to go, I just thought I’d mention it,” Before he could say much of anything in reply she jumped back into the trees and he sighed. 

“I’m going to go find Naruto,” He told Lee. “See you tomorrow?” 

 

“Tomorrow!” He left Lee to his training, following the scent of his friend. He found Naruto with his team, coming out of the Hokage’s office. 

“Shikamaru!” Naruto jogged up to him as soon as he spotted him. “I forgot where you live so I couldn’t find you!” 

“Yeah, sorry, I should have found you yesterday. Things got busy,” he dropped the keys in Naruto’s hand. Sai and Sakura came up, interested. 

“I thought you said he was with a girl yesterday, Sakura,” Sai wondered. “Weren’t you, Naruto?” 

“I, uh,” 

“It’s not what you think,” Shikamaru cut in, so Naruto wouldn’t have to speak. “ _Naruto_ doesn’t like guys,” He lit a cigarette. 

“What a strange way to phrase it,” Sai puzzled over this as Choji and Ino came up to them. 

“Strange way to phrase what?” Choji wanted to know. 

“Shikamaru says that Naruto doesn’t like guys,” Sai explained. “Does that mean he does?” This comment drew surprise from the whole group, and Sakura drew her arm back as if to punch him in the arm so hard that even Shikamaru winced slightly. 

“Don’t be rude to Shikamaru,” She growled. 

“I appreciate your intentions Sakura, but he’s actually right,” Shikamaru pointed out, flushing slightly red and not looking at any of them. 

“You’re...gay?” Ino cut in, staring at him in blank amazement. 

“I told you it wouldn’t be interesting. What are you two doing here?” 

Choji cleared his throat, not looking surprised anymore. “We have a new mission,” He turned to go and Shikamaru followed.

“Wait, Shikamaru, I wanted to ask you--” Sai began, but he just waved him off. 

“What, you’re curious about guys now? Just ask me later okay? The Hokage is waiting,” 

Sai watched him go with a slightly puzzled look on his face, but Shikamaru pushed it out of his mind. If Sai was curious, would it hurt to indulge him? Frankly he’d try anything to get Gaara out of his mind. Sai was only a beta but he didn’t mind something like that. The weight of his secrets had become quite suddenly insignificant in the face of Gaara's sudden abandonment. He felt like he'd never be at peace again, and as he walked down the streets of the home he had grown up in he found himself wondering for the first time in his life if it really mattered what happened to him. Of course he wouldn't actively hurt himself, because he knew he was a valuable asset to his Hokage, but... when it came down to it, did he care enough about himself to keep holding up this weight he had brought on himself so many years ago? 

It had begun to slip with his confessing his 'situation' to Naruto, and now with his admission that he liked men and not women. The door had slammed open, and before now he would have quailed in fear at the looks he might be getting for it but now? He couldn't even bring his heart to beat faster. A distant part of his mind wondered if he was broken in some way, but again... he couldn't bring himself to be bothered by it. The weight of Gaara's absence was too much--it outweighed everything else.


	7. How to Cope

Gaara wasn’t doing as well as he pretended for his siblings. His mind kept playing the words he’d overheard Shikamaru saying that night--he pushed it out of his mind and as always his defense was to push the pain onto someone else. Why should he hurt alone when it was Shikamaru’s words that had caused it all? Sand swirled around him, thrashing wildly in reflection of his inner turmoil.

“It’s _not_ my fault, mother, if he had only been honest about how little he really cared I never would have…” He trailed off and remembered the omega, remembered the soft and beautiful scent that had filled the clearing the day he’d come across Shikamaru in the woods. He hadn’t realized it until it had been ripped from him, but in hindsight he understood that it wasn’t quite _friendship_ that he felt for Shikamaru. It was very clear to him as he looked back on it--Naruto Uzumaki was his friend, and he had no urge to pull him into a hug and hold him as he fell asleep, he had never once felt the need to touch his face or to ask him ‘are you feeling okay?’. There was no need even now for him to go and check on Naruto, to see him with his own eyes and make sure nobody had hurt him…. 

_Shikamaru_ on the other hand… 

Gaara stood at the highest point in his village, looking down at the small houses and keeping a very tight lid on the anger and pain swirling inside him. Nothing in this world would please him more than seeing Shikamaru again, than seeing him happy and safe. He didn’t realize it before but he just wanted Shikamaru to look at him with those beautiful brown eyes the same way that he saw other people looking at each other--the thing called ‘love’ that he was only recently starting to understand. The painful, warm feeling in his chest that he had felt that night Shikamaru had fallen asleep beside the shoji board. Why hadn’t he seen how important Shikamaru was to him? Why hadn’t he realized it _before_ the warmth turned to ice? 

“Shikamaru…” Feelings had always been a foreign territory for him. Part of him wanted to go back to before--back to when he didn’t care what feelings were, when the only warmth he wanted or cared about was the feeling of someone's blood as it cooled and the life left their body. Then maybe his chest wouldn’t feel like it was tearing itself apart. How could he hurt so badly over simple words, over the absence of someone he hadn't even known all his life? Did _everyone_ feel like this? How did they _cope?_

How could _he_ cope normally? The only answer he had was to go back--to push it all away and to focus entirely on his job as Kazekage. Shikamaru’s face flashed in his mind as he’d last seen it--horrified and agonized. The fact that he’d made that expression come to the cute omega he wanted nothing more than to protect only made the pain in his chest burn brighter, but he didn’t really care anymore because he finally understood the expression on someone else's face without having to think about it. That look that had been on his face matched the sound that his heart had been making on loop since the day he overheard something he shouldn’t have.

_At least now we finally feel the same. You never could have been mine but at least you won’t forget me so easily._

=========================================================================

For the first time in a while Shikamaru’s team went on another very long mission, something far out of Konoha that would take them weeks to complete. Nobody mentioned the secret that he’d so suddenly told, until late one night Choji and Shikamaru sat up awake. 

“So… Gaara?” He guessed quietly. Shikamaru flinched slightly at the mention of his name and looked away guiltily. 

“Yeah… He’s angry at me now,” He said quietly. “I kind of deserve it though,” He stared into the night sky, sadness leaking out into his eyes. It was more of a dull ache now than anything. Choji just studied his friend in silence and Let the conversation drop. What was there to say? Shikamaru had clearly made up his mind so how could he convince him he deserved better? 

Shikamaru didn’t sleep much better than he had before, but he no longer felt like his heart was going to tear itself out of his chest--in fact at times he even wondered if his heart was still there. Sometimes he would put his hand over his heart and his eyes would glaze over and an empty smile would curl up the edges of his mouth at the feeling of it still there, beating underneath his flesh. The cigarette in his mouth would burn away in his mouth untouched, leaving a trail of ash on his uniform. Choji would watch him and worry about his friend--he was better than before, sure, but somehow he could tell Shikamaru was...empty. He just couldn’t put his finger on it.  
He worried, and Shikamaru moved through his days as a ghost of what he had been before, hiding his pain as well as he could beneath a mask of indifference. 

The day after they returned to Konoha, Sai went looking for Shikamaru. He found him lying on the ground dripping with sweat and trying to catch his breath after a long bout of training with Hinata. 

“You’re scary, you know that?” He groaned. “Naruto has his work cut out for him,” He groaned, drawing a laugh from Hinata, who was leaning against a tree. 

“N-naruto isn’t mine, you know,” She pointed out. “He doesn’t have to do anything,” 

“Oh, he will be. If he knows what’s good for him that is. I don’t even like girls and I know you’re one of the best out there,” Shikamaru suddenly realized someone was there and sat up. “..Sai. What are you doing here?” 

“You told me to ask you later. It’s later. Are you busy?” He walked up, smiling his usual blank smile. Shikamaru groaned and forced himself to his feet. 

“Yeah, sure. I can’t take another hit from Hinata,” He rubbed the back of his neck. “See you,”

“Keep working on what I showed you,” She called after him. Shikamaru watched her go and sighed before turning to look at Sai. 

“What did you want to know?” he began to rummage in his pockets and groaned in frustration. _I’ve run out of cigarettes again…_

“Have you kissed a man before?” Sai wanted to know. “Is it the same as kissing a woman?” He seemed genuinely curious, so Shikamaru decided to be honest even though this line of questioning made him uncomfortable. 

“I don’t know. I’ve never kissed a girl before,” he shoved his hands in his pockets and started off down the path. 

“Never?” Sai seemed a bit surprised by this. 

Shikamaru shook his head. “I’ve never wanted to. The only one I’ve met who made me want to do something like that was a guy,” He paused thoughtfully. “I mean, it was someone else that I kissed, but…” he trailed off and sighed. “Relationships are difficult, whether they’re with a woman or a man,” he didn’t look at Sai, who walked beside him silently. 

“I see,” 

“I don’t want to tell any details, but… I’ll just say that it hurts just as much to get your heart broken by a man,” His eyes glazed over again and he lost himself in memories about the blue-eyed man that was haunting his dreams even now. 

“It would be inappropriate to ask you how it feels, then?” Sai interrupted his thoughts, stopping short in the middle of the path and looking decidedly intrigued. Shikamaru stopped and looked back at him.

“Hn? How what feels?” 

“I was never good at emotions. And lately, I have been thinking I will never find a woman who understands me, or that will be comfortable with being with someone like me,” He tilted his head slightly. “I hadn’t realized that guys were _allowed_ to like other guys until I heard you were gay. Thinking about it I wondered if it were possible for me to find love with someone of the same gender as I. But now that I am talking to you I feel it would be inappropriate to ask if you were open to such a thing,” He began walking again, but Shikamaru stopped him by grabbing his arm. 

“I can’t promise you real love,” He pointed out. “You’re smart enough to know that such a thing is impossible, no matter what we do,” 

Sai turned to face him and nodded. “I was only curious. I’ve never been in a relationship before, so how will I know if I’m looking for a partner among the wrong group?” 

“If you’re really curious, I don’t mind pretending for you. I won’t do anything very big, but i guess kissing you would be the same as anyone who isn’t…” He trailed off and his eyes dimmed again. Suddenly a cloud fell over him and the empty feeling in the pit of his stomach grew. His arm fell to his side and Sai watched, intrigued, as Shikamaru’s eyes fogged over with the same dull lifelessness that he’d noticed the other day.

“Will you be angry if I try to kiss you?” Sai asked. Shikamaru didn’t hear him. Blood pounded in his ears and suddenly it all seemed worthless. Why was he bothering? He turned away. 

“I don’t feel like talking,” He mumbled. “You know where I am if you can’t find anyone else to try it with. Just find me, I don’t care anymore what you do,” He started off down the path again, hands in his pockets. “...I couldn’t be angry if I wanted to. Not anymore,” 

Sai watched him go, puzzled. He recognized the emptiness in Shikamaru’s eyes--it reflected his own. Seeing it in someone else was strange, especially someone he knew hadn’t always had that problem. Was this being _worried?_ Hinata stared down at them from the trees where she’d hidden to listen in on their conversation, and a determined light came into her eyes. She hadn’t wanted to put her nose into others business, but watching Shikamaru she couldn’t help herself. He was...sad. Empty. She had to wonder if Gaara was doing just as badly.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gaara of course was as cold as ever. Despite how hard he was trying, his siblings very quickly noticed a difference in him--He took care of his duties as Kazekage with the usual determination, but when he had nothing left to do and he sat alone Temari noticed a barely discernible sadness in his eyes. He hardly slept anymore, which wouldn’t have struck her as odd if she didn’t always find him sitting on the roof staring at the sky. One night she decided to go up to him, but stopped short at the sound of him talking. 

“....know that, Mother. I thought he was my friend. I thought he...cared,” Gaara was saying. A sand-image of his mother sat beside him. “I wanted him to _like_ me. I wanted...More, I suppose. I don’t know what to do, Mother. I thought… I thought he cared about me too. I thought he might feel the same. I’ve never felt that way about someone, and now that he’s gone my chest hurts. It’s not--” He cut himself off suddenly and his head jerked towards Temari. She stepped out into the light, watching the sand swirl around Gaara shapelessly. 

“I just wanted to see if you were alright,” she said quietly. “I didn’t mean to interrupt,” She studied him, worried. He’d never talked about liking anyone before. Gaara turned away from her and looked out over the city. 

“What does it feel like to love someone, Temari?” He asked softly. She moved to sit beside him. It had to happen one day, she supposed. 

“Can I ask who this is about?” She looked at him, and found no difference in his expression. He shook his head slightly. 

“I don’t want to tell you who it is,” he admitted. “It didn’t...go well. He didn’t feel the same. He wasn’t even the friend I thought he was,” Gaara admitted softly, looking down. Temari, of course, was surprised at this. She’d never thought Gaara would like anyone, let alone another man. 

“Well… When you love someone, you’ll know it. It’s not something you can put into words,” She smiled at him. “Even if it doesn’t go well, though, you know I’m here for you right?” 

Gaara turned to look at her, thinking hard. He’d been trying not to think of Shikamaru, but those words he’d told his friends still echoed in the back of his head despite how hard he’d been pushing them away. Every night when he was alone the memory came back harder than before and it was more and more difficult to pretend he hadn’t already realized that he loved him.

“Thank you,” 

Temari just smiled at him, and laid back on the roof to look at the stars. What would words do to help, anyway? The only thing she could do was be there for her little brother in this tough time. Gaara appreciated the silence. He didn’t have the words to describe the feeling that was twisting up his insides, and he didn’t know what to say about it. He thought about Shikamaru and the comfort he’d felt by just being with him. About how every time he smiled it felt like a cool breeze coming down from the desert sky. All of that had come crashing down around him before he could even properly understand it; what did it leave him with? He didn’t want to cast away the pieces of his despair, though the memories of Shikamaru cut him like nothing else ever could. It didn’t feel right to throw him away despite what he’d told Shikamaru. Brown eyes flashed in his mind, hurt by the words he’d spoken in his own despair. He’d hurt Shikamaru badly… He thought at the time that it was what he wanted, to make that man hurt as he was hurting but as more time went by the more that smug relief of 'sameness' curdled like spoiled milk and he began to feel sick at his own actions. He was used to hurting especially after his childhood. Shikamaru had never been forced through that pain so why had he thought it was okay to do that to him? What if he went to Konoha and told him he was sorry, did he really want to go back to that farce of a friendship? Was being near him worth the pain of knowing he’d never feel the same, and that he was only pretending to care because he’d protected his secret? Before, he would have been quite sure it wasn’t worth it, that all he wanted was for Shikamaru to feel the same as he did even if that feeling was agony but...now he wasn’t so sure. Why was it that, even though he was no longer carrying a tailed beast he felt like he was even more of a monster than he had been before? Was it even _possible_ to repair the damage he'd done? He was so uncertain of his feelings now that he was even willing to open up a little to his sister, whom he had always kept at arms length so as not to hurt her.

While Gaara puzzled over his actions, Shikamaru was trying desperately to forget him. He was talking more every day with Sai, listening to his questions and distantly answering every question Sai asked him. He had become a veritable fortress--empty and blank except for ghosts of emotions that flashed on his face or lingered there as he forced them (obvious to Sai, who was far more practiced in doing the same, but not so obvious to everyone else). So when a genuine emotion showed potent on his face Sai took interest. Of all things though why was it fear? 

It was on the day that Gaara returned to Konoha just before the first Chunin exams of the year. Shikamaru knew it immediately--though he wasn’t anywhere near the main enterance of the city he could smell that specific scent of stale blood, sage, and Cinnimon. He stopped dead in the street and looked over his shoulder, panic lingering in the pained look on his face.

“What’s wrong?” Sai asked, turning to look in the same direction but seeing nothing. “Was that an inappropriate question?” 

“No it’s not that, it’s…” he trailed off to look at Sai. He wasn’t that bad, but there was no way he’d tell him. “Let’s go somewhere private,” he said decisively. “Do you live alone?” 

“Oh, yes I do,” Sai smiled cheerfully and turned to lead the way. “I know I was the one who asked but even so I must admit I never expected you to agree to it. You did say before that you wouldn’t be angry, but i’ve learned that what people say and what people do can vastly differ,” He explained. Shikamaru just grunted and looked nervously over his shoulder. Gaara was getting closer, and much faster than he liked. He didn’t speak until they were safe behind closed doors. Gaara was only a block away when he closed the door, just in time to hide his presence behind the walls of Sai’s home. 

“Are you shy?” Sai wondered. “It is only a kiss. I understood that it wasn’t a big deal. I even asked Naruto, but he said that it would be gross because we’re on the same team and that Sakura would be weird about it. I don’t know what he meant but...” He tilted his head slightly, watching Shikamaru with sharp black eyes. Shikamaru sighed and turned to face him. Insisting to be alone with Sai had given him a place to hide that Gaara would never have to find, but it had also given the wrong impression. He thought for the first time about what Sai had asked him and realized that he didn’t mind it.

“I guess I am a bit shy,” he looked away. He hadn’t thought so, but thinking about it he realized the idea of kissing someone on a busy street was painful. All those eyes watching, judging… Gaara’s eyes watching and angry... “It’s not that big of a deal though. My first kiss was only a friend as well,”

“Oh, good. I was worried you would expect too much of me for asking that,” Sai moved to touch his arm. “So, how does one kiss? It looks simple enough,” He wondered. It looked simple enough, but sometimes he understood it wasn’t as simple as he thought. Shikamaru’s eyes glazed over and thought of Gaara. Would it be the same, kissing him? He would never know. He didn’t want to speak. Shikamaru put a hand on Sai’s shoulder and kissed him before he could change his mind. It wasn’t anything, of course, and neither of them closed their eyes. Sai winced slightly at the taste of cigarettes and took out his notepad to scribble a few things down. 

“I see. I thought it would have greater impact than just that. People do it so often I suppose I just assumed it was more interesting,” he commented. 

“Well i assume it’s better between two people who have feelings for each other. Some people do just like doing it, though. If both people are good at it it would be better,” Shikamaru sat down against the wall. “Can I smoke in here?” 

“Please refrain,” Sai crouched in front of him. “Did you like it? Was it interesting to you?” Shikamaru just shrugged. 

“I suppose it wasn’t bad. No offense, but I don’t really like you like that,” he closed his eyes. “Now i’ve only kissed two people. I’m not that good at it either. Wouldn’t it be better to find someone to practice with that knows more about it?” 

Sai smiled and shook his head. “I asked a few people after we first talked and everyone seemed really upset aside from Naruto, who I presume was a bit disgusted. Apparently kissing is supposed to be between two people who like each other you’re the only one I’ve talked to that doesn’t care about that part. Can I kiss you again? I want to try something,” 

Shikamaru closed his eyes. He didn’t want to think anymore, and this wasn’t doing as much good as he’d hoped it would. Sai was interesting, but not enough to stop his mind from whirling ever on about subjects he wanted to leave untouched. 

“Do whatever you want, Sai, I don’t care,” He sighed and tried to prepare for anything. Frankly he wouldn’t mind if Sai decided he wanted to try having sex. Anything would be better than this emptiness. Sai studied him for a moment, trying to see if he really meant it or not, and  
Decided that he wouldn’t have said it if he hadn’t meant it.  
Sai leaned closer with one hand braced against the wall behind him. Shikamaru didn’t bother opening his eyes. He just tilted his head back to give Sai better purchase. Sai moved slowly, more uncertain of himself than actually nervous. He gently parted Shikamaru’s lips with his tongue and Shikamaru automatically mirrored the movement. Sai tasted sweet, and smelled like open fields in the early spring. It was comforting, if only slightly. When Sai finally was satisfied he pulled away. A thin tendril of saliva connected them for a moment. 

“That was pleasant aside from the taste of cigarettes, which I suppose one can become accustomed to after a while,” Sai said decisively, moving to sit beside Shikamaru, who closed his eyes again. “Was it not for you?” 

“Yeah it was alright I guess. You could improve a little though,” He added. "Don't open your mouth so wide next time, you got my face all wet,” his hand went up to wipe away the excess saliva and Sai scratched this down. 

“I see. I’ll work on it. Thank you,” 

“You have a balcony right? I’m going to go smoke,” Shikamaru pulled himself to his feet. “I hope you don’t mind,” Sai thankfully didn’t stop him and he stepped out onto the balcony of Sai’s third-floor apartment. The beta’s taste still lingered on his tongue, quickly bitten away by the sharp sting of nicotine and smoke. He lost himself in thought again, not realizing what had happened until the door opened behind him. Ash fell onto the ground in front of him from the cigarette that had burned itself out. He had only gotten a few puffs of it. 

“I made tea,” Sai informed him. “It’s getting dark, do you want to stay the night or go home?”  
Shikamaru turned to look at him. 

“Do you want me to stay? I have things to do tomorrow but I’m finished with my duties for today,” he turned to follow Sai inside, thinking. What if he wanted to try something more? Shikamaru of course was still a virgin. Would it be bad to lose his virginity to someone who didn’t love him, who was openly only curious? He knew it would be better than moping about. Maybe it would even permanently get Gaara off his mind. As he sat down at Sai’s table and sipped tea, he decided he would let Sai do anything he wanted tonight. If there were regrets he would deal with them tomorrow. 

“I have something else I’m curious about,” Sai leaned across the table. “But you said you wouldn’t be able to do it. Perhaps it’s going too far,” He leaned back and sipped his tea. 

“You mean sex, right? With another guy?” he guessed. “I don’t think I can. Even if I tried to get it up for you, I wouldn’t be able to. No offense…” Sai didn’t seem upset by this remark. Of course he didn’t seem upset by anything. Shikamaru had to appreciate that Sai didn’t expect any overzealous emotions from him as everyone else seemed to. After that day in Suna with Gaara, after seeing him glare at him so coldly and say such things Shikamaru had felt empty. 

“But if you could, you would be able to? Is it because I don’t look good enough?” Sai wondered. “I can change if you like. I’m rather good at transformation spells, though not as good as Naruto is,” Shikamaru put down his cup and stared at him. He thought of Gaara, of at least seeing him as he did that. A blush coloured his face. 

“N...no, that’s okay. I don’t… I can’t tell you who it is that I like,” He admitted. “But...thank you,” Sai nodded in understanding. 

“I don’t think I would either,” he admitted. “I understand that you’ve been hiding your sexual orientation, and you didn’t want to kiss on the street. There is nothing wrong with being shy,”  
Shikamaru just nodded slightly, not wanting to talk about it. He couldn’t get the image of Gaara from his mind. 

“Where am I sleeping tonight?” He set aside his cup and looked up into sharp black eyes. 

“If you want to stay, you can sleep with me. I don’t mind,” Sai assured him. “I’m going to shower. If you’re hungry help yourself,” He stood and left Shikamaru to his thoughts. The memory of the kiss from earlier lingered in his mind, which he forced up over his thoughts of Gaara being in Konoha. It was a thin veil, but he welcomed the distraction. Perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad to be with Sai.. As long as the man was curious, that is. He didn’t think it would take long for him to get bored. 

“Something is wrong?” Sai spoke from behind him, wearing only loose pajama pants and drying his hair off with a towel. Shikamaru eyed him for a moment before looking away. He had to admit (if only to himself) that Sai was an attractive man. 

“It’s nothing,” Shikamaru stood to move the cups to the sink. They were silent for a while, Sai seeming content to just go about his normal nightly routine. They sat together in the living room, Shikamaru deep in thought and Sai reading something. Suddenly, Sai spoke. 

“You are far more comfortable with satisfying my curiosities than I thought anyone would be,” he pointed out. Shikamaru glanced at him, startled out of his thoughts, and looked away. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yes. I was wondering why that is… People don’t do anything without getting something in return after all,” He put aside his scroll and turned to face him on the couch. Shikamaru didn’t answer, instead throwing his arm over the back of the couch and shifting slightly. “...What is it that you get from this, Shikamaru? Are you curious too?” He didn’t want to look but before he could help himself Shikamaru turned to look at him. 

“I need a distraction,” He he admitted softly. “When...when he found out, he was angry. I can’t stop thinking about it…” He trailed off and his eyes fogged over. Gaara’s angry, accusing eyes flashed in his mind’s eye. He deflated slightly, and Sai wondered if it was a good or bad thing that he was so hurt. Surely it would be better to give Shikamaru what he wanted, right? A good distraction? Sai leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, drawing surprised eyes and raised eyebrows. 

“What was that for?”

“I can be a good distraction,” he offered. “You were kind enough to give me what I wanted, and answer all of my questions without judgement. I don’t mind returning the favor. It could work well for both of us,” Sai smiled at Shikamaru, who smiled dimly. 

“We don’t have to tell anyone, right?” He murmured. Ino would never let him hear the end of it. Sai just nodded and moved slightly closer. Shikamaru nodded slowly. 

“Okay. Whatever you want, I’ll do,” He rested his head on the back of the couch. “...well, as much as I can. Like I said before I can’t promise I’ll be able to get it up,” 

“I’ll leave that to you, if it happens it happens. I suppose I should want to be with someone I care about my first time, anyway,” He paused to think about it and gingerly leaned into Shikamaru, moving his hand off the back of the couch so it rested around his shoulders. 

 

“You don’t mind that I was your first kiss?” Shikamaru wondered, shifting so he was more comfortable and inevitably pulling Sai into a loose embrace. 

“No. Should I mind?” He wondered. “Frankly I don’t see the point of waiting until you love someone to have sex. Would it not be better if you had more experience first, so that you could pleasure them?” 

“I’ve never thought about it like that before,” Shikamaru admitted. Again Gaara flashed in his mind, and his eyes glazed over slightly. Why did he keep thinking of that man? Why couldn’t he stop, even after all this time? 

“Your eyes keep going dark. Are you thinking of the man who hurt you?” Sai asked. Shikamaru looked away, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. 

“...Yes. It’s been...a while, already, but I can’t stop thinking about him,” He admitted. “He’s… amazing. I’ve never thought anyone was beautiful before I got to know him,” His eyes fogged over again and a sad smile crossed his face. “Everything he does is… I just wanted to stay close to him, even if he didn’t like me back. But I… I made a mistake, and now he hates me. It’s strange, I didn’t think so before but even his anger is beautiful,”  
For a moment Shikamaru completely forgot about Sai, until he laid his head on his chest. 

“It doesn’t sound good, to be in love. _Are_ there any good points?”  
Shikamaru smiled and looked down at him. 

“If they feel the same, I imagine it’s like walking on air,” He tried to imagine if Gaara felt the same and for the first time in a while a real smile crossed his face. 

“I want to be in love,” Sai spoke softly, as if he expected to be criticized. “...I have been considering this a lot recently and I don’t mind if it’s a man or a woman. You’re… nice,” He looked up into Shikamaru’s eyes. At this, they both remained quiet. Shikamaru didn’t answer, instead deciding to close his eyes. Sleep came more easily than he expected. For some reason with a warm body beside him it was easier to relax and ignore the thoughts that had plagued him as he lay alone. Sai turned to look at him, puzzled by the way the lines of pain on Shikamaru’s face didn’t disappear even when he slept. In his experience usually people were more peaceful as they slept. 

Shikamaru dreamed. As he slept images of Gaara angry and accusing plagued him. He approached the man in his dream and found Gaara running faster even as he got close. The harder he pushed to reach him the farther Gaara seemed to go. 

“Don’t...don’t go,” Shikamaru groaned, tightening his hold on Sai in his sleep. “Please…..I’m sorry, don’t….” Gaara turned then to face him and a sharp tendril of sand flashed out and cut him in two. He flinched away from it and jerked awake, opening his eyes to look into curious black eyes. 

“Did I wake you?” 

“No, I was… dreaming,” He admitted, and closed his eyes again. “I’m sorry. You can go if you want,” He loosened his grip on Sai, who sat up to study him. What was the proper thing to do in this situation? He didn’t like Shikamaru as he knew a boyfriend would but he did consider him a friend. It bothered him to see the man so broken. He was obviously trying to hide it so Sai didn’t dare mention it but there was a deep sadness in his eyes that he was quite sure hadn’t been there when they first met. Making a quick decision, Sai shifted on the couch and sat on his lap, facing him with one knee on either side of him. 

“What is it?” Shikamaru asked, resting his hands on Sai’s waist. He didn’t open his eyes. The sad lines on his face didn’t loosen. 

“Would it help to picture him instead of me?” He asked quietly. “I promise I won’t tell anyone what I hear so you can say whatever you want. Will that help?” This caught Shikamaru’s attention enough to make him open his eyes. 

“Why are you helping me, Sai?” His voice was soft and broken, a defeated look coming into his face. “I don’t want you to pity me. You don’t have to...make yourself do this. I only agreed because you were curious you don’t owe me anything at all so...”  
Shikamaru hated himself for the situation he’d created. Sai was a good man, even if he didn’t get people. What was he doing letting it get this far? He shouldn’t have opened up about his feelings. Despair welled up in his stomach and he had to force back tears. Sai was warm, and having him sit on his lap like this would normally have brought up enticing images but the knowledge that he had guilted this man into feeling that this was necessary to ‘return the favor’ was just painful. 

“I don’t pity you,” Sai informed him, not moving. “You’re...sad. I want to help you be happy again,” He put his hands on Shikamaru’s shoulders and pulled him closer. Shikamaru, limp and unwilling to exert the energy it would take to pull away, let himself be pulled into a hug. “Maybe I’m just being selfish. I’ve always wanted to be important to someone. To make connections with people that didn’t depend on fighting. I’ve been trying very hard but it is not as easy as it seems to make friends,” His voice thrummed in Shikamaru’s ear and he began to tremble with the pressure of keeping back his tears.

“...I shouldn’t let myself do this,” Shikamaru’s voice was shaking and harsh, and his arms went up to hug him. His insides felt like they were tearing themselves apart. “I shouldn’t. If I go too far you’ll--” He couldn’t even finish the sentence past the thick feeling in his throat. Sai looked down at him, feeling the dampness of tears that Shikamaru was trying so hard to hide. He didn’t speak, only gently wrapped his arms around Shikamaru’s head. He could feel him shaking violently and thought it better not to comment because he was obviously trying to hide his pain. Besides that Sai had no idea how to comfort him anyway.

“I’m sorry,” Shikamaru choked, no longer talking to Sai. Gaara’s face flashed in his mind, angry blue eyes that burned holes into his very soul. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me, I didn’t mean it, I’m so sorry,” His voice broke again and fell into a jumble of incomprehensible noise, broken by sobs. “Please don’t hate me. I can’t take it, please…” Words spilled out of him as fast as his tears did, and though he knew he shouldn’t be doing this he couldn’t let go of Sai. The warm embrace of anyone at all was better than the cold darkness that had leaked into him from Gaara’s eyes and poisoned him. It felt as if he’d never be happy again. Simply being beside someone who wasn’t angry at him, accusing him or asking anything he didn’t want to answer was enough. It was a way to cope with the ice that had invaded his heart.

At least, that’s what he’d convinced himself. 

It only took about an hour of sitting like this for Shikamaru’s determination to break--he told Sai everything that had happened, starting from the very beginning on the day that Gaara sent him flying up into the trees to keep him hidden from his siblings. By the end of it he fell asleep and Sai was (for the first time in a very long time) absolutely _furious_.  
How could Gaara say such a thing to someone he'd been friends with for so long? Even if he had overheard such a thing as what Shikamaru thought he had, how could he say something so unnecessarily cruel? He understood quite well what it was like to be blindsided by other people’s emotions, even to resent them a little for it. But _that?_ No, he never would have expected the Kazekage of Sunagakure to be so childish. No matter how much emotions could compromise your actions there was never a reason to hurt someone this badly. He carefully moved him to the bedroom and covered him with a blanket. As he looked down at his sleeping face he decided that he would take care of Shikamaru as best he could from now on, and protect him from the man who had broken his heart. Shikamaru hadn’t had to trust him with all of this (which by his own admission he had never told anyone else in it’s entirety--even Naruto only knew snatches of it.) and now Sai finally felt that he had a friend--a real and close friend, who had a bond with him that nobody else did. Even his teammates had each other too, but Shikamaru? He only had Sai. He knew it was selfish but he was happy to be needed like this. A small smile curled up the corners of his lips. After all, who could help Shikamaru cope with this problem but him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This section took a bit longer than I hoped it would (being accurate about adolescent emotions is very often done wrong so I wanted to portray it properly!). If you feel like commenting I'd really like to know what you think about the emotions that are going on in this chapter, and how everyone reacts to them. And more importantly, how the story as of yet makes _you_ feel! 
> 
> Also, thanks a ton for everyone who's read it so far!!


	8. Careless

For his part, Sai didn’t mind comforting Shikamaru. It took little energy, and he was driven on by the story Shikamaru had told him the night before. Any uncertainty he had of the morality of letting himself get into a relationship when he wasn’t certain that he liked them had been pushed aside by the sheer weight of Shikamaru's sadness. Sai moved Shikamaru to the bedroom that evening before falling asleep beside him thinking that he would ask Sakura in the morning how to treat someone he liked. Perhaps he could find a book on love and relationships somewhere.

Shikamaru woke first the next morning, carefully disentangling himself from the sheets so that he wouldn’t wake Sai as he got out of bed. He felt drained from the spent emotions the night before, waking earlier than Sai and going to sit out on the balcony to smoke. 

“I’m going to make breakfast. Are you hungry?” Sai poked his head out to ask. Shikamaru glanced at him and shook his head. He knew he should eat but it just felt...too heavy. His stomach ached. Gaara was still in town, he could smell his scent in the air. He was angry, or at least annoyed. Sai left him and he lost himself in thought again. Time just seemed to pass without his noticing. He was startled back to the present by Sai opening the door. 

“I have to go,” He informed him. “Naruto and Sakura are waiting for me downstairs. Do you want to wait until we’ve gone?” 

“No… I’ll go with you,” Shikamaru pulled on his vest and zipped it up, pausing to put on his shoes at the door before following Sai outside. He still held his half-smoked cigarette between his teeth he hadn’t bothered relighting. 

“You and Sai, are you…?” Naruto asked him. He glanced at him and shrugged. 

“Ask Sai, I don’t know,” He mumbled. “I have to go... I’ll see you guys later,” Naruto watched him go, puzzled. Was this something he could help with, or should he just let his friend work it out alone? He didn’t like seeing his friends in pain but it seemed as if Shikamaru had found an outlet for his pain in Sai. 

Shikamaru worked hard to force himself not to have time to think about things, but with Gaara still in Konoha it was even harder to concentrate than usual. He was ever vigilant, careful not to get himself caught. Gaara had said explicitly that he wanted nothing to do with him, and unless the Hokage herself ordered it there was no way in hell Shikamaru would let himself be seen by the man. The closest he got to seeing him happened right after he parted ways with Sai and his team. He was training with Hinata, focused intensely on trying to break her impenetrable defense, when the Alpha’s scent came from behind him. He was just out of sight and quickly coming this way from behind him. Shikamaru cursed and without warning Hinata darted away, causing her to stop short and stare after him in alarm. She didn’t even have a chance to call after him before Gaara stepped into the clearing. 

“He is gone,” Gaara said quietly. He had been trying to find Shikamaru ever since he got to Konoha, but to no avail. Apparently the man hadn’t even gone home because his father hadn’t seen him either. Was there any way he could take back what he’d said? “Where did he go?” 

“Why?” Hinata stepped closer to him, pushing her hair back. 

“I just...wanted to talk to him,” Gaara admitted softly. He wasn’t quite sure how much she knew, so he didn’t dare go into details. 

“What will you say?” She tilted her head slightly. She was no fool--she knew more than both of them did about the situation. 

“I… I need to talk to him,” Gaara insisted, looking down at her. She narrowed her eyes slightly, determined. 

“No,” she said simply. 

“What?” 

“No. You can’t talk to him. You can’t have him,” She repeated. “I won’t let you. What are you going to do about it?” Gaara’s eyes widened slightly. Of all things, he had never expected her to say that. 

“What? I’m not going to hurt him, I’m going to--” He began, but she cut him off and initiated the Byakugan eye. Gaara had never been on the recieving end of this look, and from someone he at least wanted to consider a friend it was pretty off-putting.

“You’re going to what? What exactly do you want from that Omega, Gaara? What exactly are you going to say to make up for what happened? I don’t know what you said to him, but he’s been broken ever since he left Suna that day. I saw the look on his face when he realized you were coming. If you want him, you’ll have to go through me to get there. Are you willing to fight for him or not?” She fell into a defensive position--a clear call for a fight. Near the end of this speech her teammates came into the clearing, stopping dead at the scene before them. 

“Hinata, what are you doing are you _insane?_ You can’t fight _him!_ ” Kiba demanded. 

“Stay out of this, Kiba,” She spoke with quiet determination, and her voice rang out across the clearing with harsh authority that was become more and more normal for her. “This is between me and my friend,” 

Gaara narrowed his eyes at her, even more unsure because of her comment about friends. Clearly she meant him, but if he was her friend why was she blocking him like this? He crossed his arms. They both knew he would likely best her in a fight, but the look in her eyes reminded him of the one that had puzzled him so long ago. The look of someone protecting a loved one. He didn’t speak, and sand swirled out around him. 

“Come on, Gaara. Is it love or is it selfish need to be recognized? How hard will you fight for him? Kazekage or not, if you’re only going to hurt him again I’ll destroy you. You’ve acted before without thinking haven’t you? I won’t allow you to do it again,” Her gaze didn’t waver, and Gaara looked past her at her team. The sand settled around him and he turned away. 

“I’ve lingered in Konoha for too long already,” he left as silently as he’d come, mind clouded with thoughts. What did he want? He had only been following an animalistic urge to find Shikamaru, wanting nothing more than to ease the burning pain that had began to grow in the pit of his stomach like a cancer. What if he would only hurt him just like before? Was his urge to hold him close going to hurt him, too? It became obvious to him by the overheard conversation with Shikamaru in his friend that the feelings he’d gained over the years for the man had been one-sided. He had smelled the fear on Shikamaru as he approached, and for Hinata to stand up to him like that made it undeniable. His simple presence hurt the man. How could he force it, knowing such a thing? The very last expression he had given Shikamaru flashed in his eyes and his throat closed with a now familiar emotion that made it hard to breathe. Regret. For the first time Gaara wondered if he deserved to be in pain.

Gaara left Konoha, deciding that it would be best to avoid the leaf altogether unless he couldn’t get out of it. Shikamaru would get over him one day, and would forget all about him. He wasn’t sure that he could say the same--Something about that particular Omega had changed him, and he knew that there would never be another who could take the same place in his heart. It wasn’t just that he had grown into a completely different person thanks to him it was... Gaara didn’t dare think of it as love despite the voice in his mind that told him that it had to be. 

Shikamaru didn’t dare return to the clearing even after he smelled Gaara leaving. His breath came ragged, and his heart wouldn’t stop pounding. How could that man affect him so easily? He hadn’t even seen him and all the progress he thought he’d made that night had gone up in smoke. He shoved his hands deeper in his pockets and decided to go visit Asuma’s grave. 

“Things are getting weird for me, Sensei,” He said quietly to the grave stone, lighting a cigarette and setting it gently on the headstone. “What am I supposed to do? Usually I can figure out what the best move is if I put my mind to it, but he just makes my head fog up,” He crouched there for longer than he had meant to. The cigarette had long gone out, leaving a line of ash on the stone. He picked up the butt and shoved it in his pocket. 

Maybe I’ll try to find Sai…

Sai had hesitated before but now he was comfortable with what was happening between him and Shikamaru. He didn’t know if it could be called a proper relationship, but he had to admit it was interesting. When Shikamaru approached him that evening as he was making his way to see the Hokage again he even smiled without having to force it very hard. 

“Hello, Shikamaru,” he said brightly. 

“Hey,” Shikamaru muttered in answer. “I was going to ask, but it seems you’re busy,” he added. Naruto and Sakura greeted him, and though he could see the question clear in Naruto’s eyes he surprisingly didn’t speak it. 

“I have to meet with the hokage again. After that I’m going to be busy with my team until very late, but... Here,” Sai dug around in his pockets for a while before dropping his house key in Shikamaru’s hands and turned away without another word, gleaning a gasp of amazement from Sakura. Sai glanced at her, intrigued by the fact that her face had reddened slightly. 

“Thanks,” Shikamaru turned away, not even caring enough to notice the look on Sakura’s face or care about her loudly asking Sai if they were actually dating as he left. He went home for the first time in several days and was immediately greeted by his mother’s lecture. 

“If you’re going to leave home you have to at least tell your parents! We were worried,” She chided. Shikamaru avoided her eyes. 

“Sorry, mom. I’m going to be staying at a friend’s house for the next few days, okay?” He didn’t look at her, but his mother didn’t have to see his eyes to know that something was wrong with her son. She’d noticed the change in his mood immediately after his return to Konoha and had worried ever since. It was only this that kept her from getting mad as she usually would have at his carelessness in not talking to her before vanishing for half a week. 

“Okay,” She said quietly. “Are you staying for dinner, dear?” 

“No thanks, Mom. I’m not hungry,” he went to his room, not noticing that both his parents watched him go and exchanged a concerned look. He gathered enough clothes for the next few days, knowing Sai wouldn’t care. As Sai had warned he was out until late. He got home to find Shikamaru doing sets of 100 pushups, half naked and dripping with sweat. At the sound of the door opening Shikamaru moved to sit up.

“Don’t mind me, you don’t have to stop,” Sai dropped his things by the door and locked it. He grunted in understanding and continued to the end of the set. By the time he’d finished Sai was already changed for bed. 

“I brought clothes this time. I hope you don’t mind,” Shikamaru pushed his hair out of his face and leaned against the door frame. Sai gestured to the closet. 

“I noticed. I’ve hung them up in the closet for you and put out a clean towel,” Shikamaru nodded in thanks and brushed past him. He scrubbed himself clean and stayed under the water until it turned cold. It wasn’t until he got out of the shower that he realized he hadn’t brought clothes. Were it anyone but Sai he would wonder if it was inappropriate to come out with only a towel on but he decided if it were that man wouldn’t care. He dried his hair off and came out of the bathroom tucking the towel tighter around his waist, pushing his hair out of his face again. 

“I made tea,” Sai told him when he entered, not even blinking at his nudity. In fact he only studied Shikamaru with open interest. He was just as unaffected by the sight of Shikamaru’s bare skin as he had been by Naruto’s pervy jutsu. Perhaps he had to touch it to feel anything? Somehow Sai had serious doubts that he could feel anything at all. Still it was Shikamaru’s feelings that were more important to him at the moment. 

“Do you care if I change here?” Shikamaru’s voice drew him out of his thoughts. Sai blinked at him for a moment and then shook his head. He’d never seen another man naked before. He had to admit that Shikamaru was pretty--lean and muscular, and yet somehow still soft around the edges. He watched as the towel dropped to the ground, not even slightly shy even after Shikamaru pulled on pants and turned to look at him. A slight smile curled up the corners of Shikamaru’s lips, though it didn’t touch the sadness in his eyes. 

“You like what you see?”

“I’m not sure,” Sai answered honestly. “I won’t deny that you’re an attractive man but I feel no embarrassment looking at you. I didn’t react the way people do for example to Naruto’s sexy jutsu,” He studied Shikamaru’s face as he came closer, shirt still tossed over his shoulder. 

“I doubt you’d react to anything how most people do,” He admitted. “You are your own person, Sai. You shouldn’t try to be like others you’re fine just how you are,” He sat on the bed beside Sai and ruffled his hair. Somehow when he was drowning in his own problems it was easier to see others. Sai was trying so hard to understand the world of the people around him that it seemed to Shikamaru that he was getting lost in the journey. He was spending so much time reading books like ‘how to make friends’ that he forgot to be himself among his following the instructions. Sai just blinked at him in surprise and gave him that same empty smile as always. 

“I appreciate you saying that, but how am I going to fit in if I don’t act like others?” He pointed out. Shikamaru just chuckled lowly with no amusement. 

“You don’t have to smile for me, Sai. I can see that it’s fake,” He said quietly. “I only want to see that face if it’s real, I don’t care how empty you look it can’t be as bad as I feel now,” With that Shikamaru laid down, tossing the shirt aside after deciding he didn’t want to bother with it. Sai hadn’t answered him but the fake smile died immediately. It wasn’t often that people noticed that it wasn’t real--he practiced so long to make it look perfect. However it wasn’t this that worried him--it was Shikamaru’s indirect declaration of being ‘empty’. He knew how it felt--to have someone else gain it after having met them was painful to look at. His heart twitched slightly, like a tiny drop falling onto a vast glassy lake. The feeling dissipated very quickly but he remembered it. Suddenly he wanted to help Shikamaru feel something again. Surely there was something he could do for the man? He’d have to ask Sakura later. 

Sai put aside the book he was reading and turned out the light, moving to curl himself around Shikamaru. A hand fell to rest lightly on his side, but he got no other reaction from Shikamaru even after he began to trace the lines and soft curves of his chest and abdomen. Not even a slight change in breath. He would think of something, Sai decided. Surely there had to be _something_ he could do for Shikamaru. 

The next morning dawned, and Shikamaru hadn’t gotten more than an hour or two of sleep. He tried but his mind kept reminding him that the man beside him was only letting him stay out of morbid curiosity. He couldn’t help but think that as soon as Sai’s curiosity was satisfied he would become just as cold and angry as Gaara had been. Dawn broke upon him sitting on the back balcony smoking. Sai woke groggy and, half asleep, joined him outside. There was silence between them for a while until Sai spoke. 

“Sakura asked me if you were my boyfriend,” Sai didn’t look up, instead leaning on the rails and looking down at the street below. “I told her to ask you,” He looked up and their eyes met. Shikamaru’s expression of emptiness didn’t waver even slightly. 

“What do you want me to say?” he exhaled a cloud of smoke and pushed his hair out of his face again. 

 

“It’s your choice,’ Sai said decisively. “Do you want me to be your boyfriend? I’ve never been in a relationship so I’ll probably get it wrong. The book I found yesterday is very confusing,” He looked down at a bird that had landed on the rail beside them until it flew off. 

“I don't’ know what I want, Sai,” Shikamaru admitted, sounding defeated. “If I ask too much you’ll get angry, and leave just like--” He cut himself off and bit down hard on the cigarette in his mouth. He hadn’t meant to say so much, but now that it was out he couldn’t deny it. 

“I won’t do what _he_ did,” Sai insisted. “I will admit that I don’t think I could fall in love with you, but…” He trailed off and cocked his head slightly, turning to study Shikamaru’s face. “I find myself incapable of letting you fall into the same emptiness that i’ve been trying to escape. If becoming yours can push you farther away from that, I wouldn’t mind it. When Sakura asks you about it, I would be happy if you would tell her whatever will make you smile easiest,” He turned to the door and thought that a smile would make this moment go down easier for Shikamaru, but remembered what he’d said the night before and decided not to force it. He wished he could smile for real for Shikamaru. Would that make his eyes go back to the happiness they’d had before? Funny, he never thought of himself as the self sacrificing type, but now that he was faced with this situation he couldn’t think of any other way to handle it. He didn’t particularly like guys, but then again he didn’t particularly like anyone. What would be the harm in following through with whatever Shikamaru wanted? Especially if it would keep Gaara out of his mind.

Shikamaru let Sai go back inside without comment, struck with amazement at his admission. He knew that Sai wasn’t the type to lie unless he gained something from it, and for the life of him he couldn’t think of what would possess him to tell such a lie. _If it wasn’t the truth, he’s too smart not to make it more believable._ He thought, and put out his cigarette. When he got inside he found that Sai had made breakfast. Lately he didn’t eat, but after the man put in so much effort he felt obligated to. He sat down and put his hair up. What _would_ he tell Sakura? He’d probably see her sooner rather than later. She wasn’t the type to let go of something until she got what she wanted. _I’ll decide when It happens_ , he thought, and pushed the questions out of his head. Thinking was too bothersome now, especially about something like that. 

He left as soon as he was done eating, managing to avoid Sakura (who met Sai at his place to try to catch Shikamaru, because she was absolutely dying to know what was between them. Unfortunately for Shikamaru word had spread quickly to his own team about what happened with Sai the day before. When he met with Choji and Ino she Immediately demanded to know. 

“You’re dating?! Are you? Or aren’t you? I need to know!” She growled. Shikamaru sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. He’d hoped to be able to avoid this question. _Why are women so troublesome?_ i

“It’s been under some debate, actually,” He admitted, rubbing the bridge of his nose. Her voice was painful to listen to, more so than usual. “Why? If you like him just say so and I’ll put in a good word for you,” 

“No reason I just need to know,” Ino looked away, apparently embarrassed. “It’s not like I like him or anything. I was just curious,” Shikamaru would have been suspicious of this answer, if he cared enough to dwell on it. Instead he just grunted an understanding and kept walking. 

“So….are you?” Choji wondered. “I didn’t expect Sai of all people, he’s so weird,” Choji broke the silence and nudged him lightly in the side. 

“I…. might try,” Shikamaru finally allowed. “I don’t think it’ll work out. He just feels sorry for me because I was dumped by the guy I really like, but I didn’t push him away when kissed me. I guess I wouldn’t mind doing more than just that...” 

“Dude, _way_ too much info,” Naruto came up behind him, laughing. “Kakashi-sensei wanted me to give you this,” He shoved a scroll in Shikamaru’s hand and vanished in a cloud of smoke before he could say anything. Shikamaru opened the scroll and sighed heavily. It was a summons to see the Hokage, and information about a mission to Suna. 

“Come on, guys, let’s talk about my sex life later. The Hokage wants to see us,” He took off down the street without bothering to see if his teammates followed. Even saying something so embarrassing as he just had didn’t glean more than a slight twisting of his insides. It seemed like nothing could affect him like Gaara had. 

By the end of the meeting with the hokage his hands were shaking. He couldn’t get out of going--apparently everyone else was busy. He hid the turmoil that was twisting him up inside behind a thin veil of disinterest. They were to leave in the morning. How was he going to stand being in the same room as him again, after what had happened? At least before he had been able to run, but now… He couldn’t avoid it. He went back home to Sai’s apartment as soon as everything was ready and began to work out. Desperation drove him ever on until his shirt was soaked with sweat. Pure exhaustion forced him to stop.


	9. A Secret to Fill the Emptiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _So, I know this took me a while to update and I apologize for the wait. This next bit has been giving me trouble because of the graphic scene that occurs some ways in. I'm still a bit unsure of how much I like it, but I didn't want to wait any longer to post it. Hopefully after this my updates will be much more regular._  
>  With that, please enjoy! 

When Sai came home that night that’s how he found him, still shaking and laying on the floor smelling of dried sweat. His shirt was still damp. Sai locked the door and dropped his things before coming to stare down at him. 

“What happened?”

“I don’t want to go,” He admitted softly. “I don’t want t….I don’t _want_ to... “ He whispered softly. Sai crouched beside him to listen better and Shikamaru continued. “I Have to go to Suna again, and… a-and talk...to him... ” He screwed his eyes tight to hold in the terror. “What am I going to do? It hurts, Sai. I just started to become used to being without him, and now I have to look him in the face again I don’t know what I’ll do,” He felt Sai sit beside him but didn’t open his eyes. 

“Do you want me to kiss you again?” Sai offered. He didn’t know what else to say--emotions were difficult for him, especially if they were someone else's. Not for the first time he wished he knew how to handle this relationship, and what to do to make it better. Shikamaru didn’t answer him. For a long time he lay silent, trembling at the sheer weight of the thoughts that were plaguing him. _Gaara, Gaara. You hate me now, how can I sit in the same room as you? It was easier when I was scared of you, when I thought you would kill me. Now I'd be happy with even that…_ Shikamaru sat up suddenly enough to startle Sai. He didn’t want to see Gaara’s face in his head. It wasn’t fair, but he didn’t even care anymore--Sai knew who he was talking about, he knew more of the situation than anyone did so wouldn’t he stop him if he didn’t want this? Wouldn’t he not have bothered to ask if he didn’t mind kissing? He never seemed like one to waste his time, no matter how much Shikamaru thought of himself as a waste clearly Sai didn’t so… _So why not?_

Shikamaru pushed him down to the floor and held him down. He kissed him roughly, desperately. It wasn’t love or affection as much as Animalistic need between them as their mouths melded together. To his surprise Sai was kissing him back with just as much energy as he was--it was messy but Sai was happy to have the clear expectation from Shikamaru. It made this easier for him, as far as he considered things. Eventually they had to stop to breathe but Shikamaru didn’t stop there. He wasn’t sure what he’d started but he wasn’t very well going to stop himself to think about it unless Sai forced him to. 

Sai didn’t struggle against Shikamaru’s advance. To the contrary he was happy for it, mirroring his kiss and resting his hands gently on his sides. This was something he could very easily follow through with. Shikamaru pulled away first, panting, and moved down to kiss the bare skin of his stomach. He gasped lightly at the foreign feeling of a tongue on his skin, the hot blooming of air as Shikamaru tried to catch his breath again. _Not exactly unpleasant,_ Sai thought. Shikamaru pulled off the top of his uniform with rough desperate hands, struggling for a moment until Sai took over and pulled it off himself. 

“You too,” Sai ordered, pushing his hands up underneath Shikamaru’s shirt. “I want to see. Take it off,” His eyes ran over the newly exposed skin and licked his lips. Sai pulled the shirt off over his head and copied the actions Shikamaru had just done--he bit down at the base of his neck where it met his shoulder, hard enough for Shikamaru to dig his fingertips into his back and gasp. 

There was no time to think as Shikamaru pushed them on, kissing a line up Sai’s stomach and onto his chest where he bit down on his skin and sucked on it, eventually leaving a very dark purple mark. A sharp gasp broke Sai’s silence, and he arched his back. _How Interesting._

“Do that again,” Sai ordered, pulling Shikamaru’s hair down and running his fingers through it in a vain attempt to smooth it. Shikamaru was quick to obey. He bit down harder this time, hard enough for Sai to gasp aloud and pull hard at his hair. Both he and Sai were surprised by the sharp breathy gasp that this elicited. Shikamaru bit him again, this time only biting down harder when he pulled his hair. A sharp gasp escaped Sai, followed by a choked whimper as the pain of being bitten abruptly transitioned to Shikamaru’s soft wet tongue moving over the mark and up his abdomen. His face felt hot, and his heartbeat had quickened. _I see. Is that why people like each other?_ Shikamaru sat up to look at him, and a rare smile curled onto his face. 

“You...really want me to keep going?” He asked quietly. Sai nodded slightly, still trying to catch his breath. His hands dropped useless at his sides. It was as if a fire had been lit in the pit of his stomach--something brand new and very interesting. 

Shikamaru looked down at Sai and felt himself really smiling for the first time in a while. He was surprisingly pretty like this, and he felt lucky to be able to see the usually calm man look so disheveled. His face was a light pink, and his breath came loud and ragged. Shikamaru pinned his hands above his head and leaned down to kiss his neck. He was careful not to make any marks where they wouldn’t be hidden by Sai’s usual clothes, as he didn’t particularly wanting to have _that_ conversation with Ino. By the time he let go of Sai’s hands though there were six more purple bite marks on his chest. Sai was panting as he stared up at Shikamaru with hooded eyes. His face was bright red. 

“O...oh, I see,” He murmured. Shikamaru smiled again. 

“I can see you’ve enjoyed yourself,” He commented. Sai didn’t sit up, instead choosing to touch the bare skin of his side. 

“Yes that was rather enjoyable,” Sai agreed. “You know… Sakura gave me something you might be interested in,” He gestured to where he’d set his pouch by the door. “...She said if we didn’t use it, I might ‘rip you a new one’...” He tilted his head slightly and his face seemed to return to it’s normal colour. “Do you know what that means?” 

Shikamaru blushed furiously, looking away from Sai’s questing eyes. Despite his better judgement he reached to retrieve the pouch so Sai could get it out. 

“She’s talking about sex,” He answered blandly. “It’s to...uh, help…” He gestured vaguely and fell silent. Was he going to let Sai top him? The idea wasn’t exactly unpleasant, but… Gaara’s face flashed in his mind again. He didn’t know if he wanted it that way. 

“Do you suppose you would rather be inside me instead?” Sai asked suddenly. When Shikamaru looked up to meet his eyes again he found that he was being studied very closely. The candid attitude he had was still very surprising and so the blush only deepened on Shikamaru’s face. He cleared his throat and took the small vial of clear liquid that Sai was offering him. 

“I… Uh, I mean…” 

“I think I prefer it that way. If it were the other way around the experience would be not unlike how I could have sex with a woman. I want…” he trailed off slightly and his eyebrows furrowed together. “I suppose I should say I want you inside me. Would that be too much for you? I know you don’t love me, I just thought it might be interesting. If you would rather we wait until our relationship has been cemented in time I will not be upset,” 

Shikamaru studied his face, thinking hard about this. What Sai was offering--no attachments, no expectations for him to break. He was the one asking for it--giving Shikamaru a clear goal as well as a perfect opportunity to say no. He licked his lips. 

“I… I don’t mind not waiting but…” He trailed off and scrubbed his hand through his hair. Really, he should be taking better care of it. He’d stopped brushing it as much as he should lately. “Um, You’ll tell me if I go too far? I’ve never done this before you know,”

Sai nodded. “I can stop you if I no longer want it,” He assured him. Shikamaru was quite sure he could, too. Sai’s abilities were well above strong enough to at least make it known he wanted to stop. 

“I’ve never done it either, you know,” He pointed out. “I... w-we have to talk about...that other thing, too, before we do it,” he gently set the vial down between them. “I know I already told you but you never….reacted, and i’m uh… i’m not sure what you think,”

Before he could lose his nerve Shikamaru moved through the jutsu to release the seal. There was a puff of white smoke, and his scent rebounded through the room. It took him a moment to understand, but when he did a slight smile curled up the edges of his lips. 

“I see. You meant the Omega thing…” 

“Yeah, I know. The seal suppresses my sexual appetite as well so...now that it’s released it’s… well, it’s going through the roof even now,” Sai sat up to look at him, intrigued. 

“And as an omega, you still don’t mind if I’m the one to take it? Because I have been informed that such a thing as virginity is very important to females and Omegas. If you want it to be someone who loves you, I will understand,” Sai was genuinely asking, but the question still made Shikamaru blush slightly. He said it so easily, something that he’d been ashamed of for a very long time. 

“You care for me enough, Sai. You… you listened. You accept me,” He gingerly touched one of the bite marks on Sai’s chest. “In fact I...kind of look forward to it, if you’re still willing to let someone like me touch you,” Sai leaned forward to kiss him. 

“I don’t mind…” He assured him. “I’ve been reading on it, and I think it might feel good. And if it doesn’t… Well, you’re a very careful man. You’ll stop if I tell you to,” He picked up the vial of liquid. “Only..I can guess what this is for, but do you know?” He asked. Shikamaru smiled slightly. The difference between him and Sai, genetically speaking, was that he didn’t need such a thing. His body naturally produced enough lubricant. He’d only been in heat once, and he learned it the hard way. His pants had been soaked with the sticky substance. 

“I know,” He assured him. “It’s for….” His face reddened. Why was this so uncomfortable? “Um, if you want to shower, I can...show you,” He added. “I probably smell awful,” 

“On the contrary, you smell rather nice,” Sai assured im, getting up from the floor and leaving his shirt there. “I should wash as well, should I not? It is important for the bottom to be clean, or so my book has informed me,” Shikamaru watched him go and thought about what they were about to do. He didn’t exactly love Sai, but somehow that made it less...urgent. He didn’t mind so much if he messed it up, because he knew there was no way he could ruin his relationship with the man. 

“Do you want to wash first?” Sai looked back at him from the doorway. Shikamaru didn’t dare open his eyes. He could feel the heavy blush that had turned his face an unseemly shade of red. 

“Um… n-no you can go first,” 

“You’re already really hard,” Sai commented evenly, leaning on the side of the doorway in a way that drew Shikamaru’s eyes to the subtle curve of his hips. Sai noted the movement of his eyes and smiled slightly. “Are you sure you want to wait? We can use soap after we do it, can’t we?” Shikamaru couldn’t quite bing himself to answer past the lump in his throat. His eyes moved downward over the man’s very pale body and he swallowed. He’s way more attractive than I realized… 

“N-no, we should… wash up first,” he insisted. Maybe that would give him time to get ahold of himself… 

Sai left, thinking about the sudden change in Shikamaru and finding for the first time that he really did find him attractive. Or… well, at least very cute when he was flustered. finished showering surprisingly quickly. Either that or Shikamaru got lost in being distracted again, because when he looked up again Sai was standing there with a towel wrapped around his waist and offering a clean one. 

“I left the water on for you,” Shikamaru stood and took the towel, pausing to kiss him on the cheek as he passed. At the release of the seal his built up sexual desires had skyrocketed. The inside of his underwear had been a damp sticky mess as he took it off. Disgusting… he kicked them away to deal with later and got in the shower to rinse himself off. He was already throbbingly hard and still trying to become okay with it. He quickly scrubbed himself clean with the soap before he forgot what he was doing. It took all Shikamaru’s self control not to do touch himself too much in the shower. Liquid kept leaking from him, but he ignored it and scrubbed himself down with soap quickly. This time he didn’t faze out-- he finished quickly with his shower and lingering in the bathroom. HIs heart pounded in his ears, flooded with excitement and nerves. Just on the other side of that door Sai was waiting for him. He could smell him from here, subtle and barely there but with his senses on overdrive it was undeniable. Every part of him ached for attention, for some sort of closeness... And he was going to indulge himself a little. For the first time in his life he didn’t particularly hate the omega scent that was flooding the rooms. He swallowed and dried himself off, then wrapped the towel around his waist. His erection poked obviously in the cloth but he ignored it. 

“I was hoping you wouldn’t take long,” Sai was laying on the bed with his legs spread, poking gently at the bite marks on his chest. “I’m...nervous. Is it going to hurt very badly, do you think?” Sai looked up at him with wide eyes and Shikamaru felt his heart stir slightly. Perhaps it was just the omega flooding past the seal he usually used, the scent, and the promise of sex but somehow Sai seemed to be a lot more attractive than he had been before. Shikamaru wondered why he had been so embarrassed before. Now he felt no shame in moving to the foot of the bed and dropping the towel to crawl up to Sai and sit between his spread legs. 

“I think so, but I’ll be careful. The lube is to make sure it doesn’t hurt too much,” He explained. “My body...produces it, so I wouldn’t need it but you do,” He flushed crimson at this but Sai only nodded slightly. 

“Okay,” Sai rested his hands on his thighs, tilting his head slightly. “Well, whenever you’re ready,” He spoke in the same soft even tone as he always did but this time a slight blush coloured his face. 

Shikamaru hoped he would be able to satisfy him..He pushed past his shame and leaned down to kiss his chest. His skin was smooth and white, but overwhelmingly hot beneath Shikamaru’s touch. Every inch of their skin that touched was on fire. He followed suit from earlier and sucked on his skin just below the left side of his ribcage until his mouth hurt and was rewarded by the sound of Sai hitching his breath slightly and a dark purple mark. 

“I think I’m going to start with my hands, so… maybe you get used to it more,” Shikamaru warned him. He’d tried a little on himself in the shower, just to be sure of what it felt like, and he was certain that it would hurt if he went too quickly. Sai just nodded and stared down at him, resting his hands limply on the bed above his head. 

Thankfully the hormones flooding through him like a tidal wave didn’t give him any room for thought, so Shikamaru quickly unscrewed the cap of the small bottle and poured a little on his hand, letting it slide over his fingers for a moment before using his hand to apply it to Sai’s hole. 

“That feels strange,” He breathed as Shikamaru circled his finger around the rim. 

“Bad?” 

“No, please continue,” Sai jerked his head down to look at him. To his surprise, the usually calm man’s face was completely red. 

“Tell me how it feels, okay?” 

He pushed his fingertip inside slowly and poured a little more of the liquid onto his hand so that it would go in easier. It was quite a sight to see his expression shift to surprise at the feeling. 

“I...it’s...strange,” Sai breathed. “I feel warm,” His back arched slightly as Shikamaru pushed his finger in deeper. “Uhn….You can go...faster, if you want. You don't’ have to be so careful, I can take it,” Sai assured him. 

“You sure?” 

“Yes, by all means continue...” Sai trailed off and his eyes fluttered closed. Was it shameful, doing this? Somehow he couldn’t be bothered even to pretend to care. “Don’t hold back on my account, Shikamaru. I can tell you’re holding back and quite frankly I want more than just this,” His breath came more ragged and Shikamaru smirked. He pushed his finger in harder, enjoying the immediate response it got in the way he twisted and arched his back. 

“Okay,” he relented. He wanted more, too, but he’d been trying to ignore it. His cock throbbed painfully and he felt a steady stream of liquid sliding down his thighs. He slid out his finger and gently pushed two in, pushing them in abruptly and hard. 

“Oooh, that is… is, is, is… s-something,” Sai gasped, grabbing onto the sheets beneath him. “Oh, and you’re only using your...your….hands…” He looked down, face still bright red, and before he could say anything more Shikamaru pushed his fingers deeper inside. What would it be like for his cock to be inside this throbbing heat instead of just his hands? He licked his lips and pushed a third finger inside. He didn’t want to wait any longer. Why was it that men saw liking other men as shameful, when it could feel so good?

“Is it okay if I…. I don't’ want to hurt you,” He pulled his fingers out and leaned over to look at his face closer, breath ragged and pained. He wanted inside--needed inside. His body was screaming for release.

“I will heal even if you hurt me. I am just as impatient as you are. Go on,” Sai shifted his legs again so they were propped up, giving Shikamaru more room. “It feels...better than I thought it would,” He admitted. Shikamaru laughed softly and looked down at his hole, spreading the last of the lube over his cock and adding a bit of the thick sticky liquid flooding down his own legs just to be safe. 

“Hopefully it’s not too difficult for you to sit after this. The idea seems painful, but if you’re sure...” He waited for a nod, and when he got it he slowly pushed the head of his cock inside. Sai’s reaction was immediate and quite satisfying. Sai tried to speak but choked on his words. There was a pause, and Shikamaru stopped so he could recollect himself. Sai however wasn’t having any of it. He groaned and pushed himself up onto one elbow. 

“You stopped...you’re going to slow,” He breathed. “Hurry up, give me more. Do I have to be on top and do it myself for you to stop being so damn careful?” 

“Alright, alright, pushy,” Shikamaru smiled and moved him so that he was on his knees with his face resting on the pillows. He let his mind wander, thinking of the green-eyed man that had started all of this. His heart wrenched as he looked down at Sai and saw Gaara instead. A soft growl escaped him, and with no further prompting he shoved his cock harder into him, digging his nails into the soft flesh of his hips. The moan that escaped Sai was loud, even muffled by the pillow. Shikamaru took this as a good thing and pushed on harder.

“Shika...aaaahhh…..Shii….” Sai groaned, turning his head to look at him. Shikamaru didn’t answer. He didn’t see Sai anymore, his mind had painted a picture of Gaara over him and it had stuck. He pushed his hair back out of his face, and even at the strange angle he was forced into Sai twisted to look at him and noticed that his eyes were finally happy. He let himself relax into it, enjoying it more now that he knew his goal had been reached. Soft throaty moans writhed out of him at irregular intervals, and he didn’t turn again to look at Shikamaru’s face so that the illusion of him being someone else wouldn’t be broken. 

Despite his clumsiness Shikamaru did his best to please Sai even after his mind had switched his face to another. When he felt him writhing he pushed harder, and when he accidentally found the right spot and pushed against it he reveled in the liquid pleasure that fell from his lover’s tongue. 

Gaara… 

He pushed on for as long as he could, digging his nails hard into his hips to pull him back harder and harder until he felt the climax coming upon him.

“I think… I’m going to…!” he whispered harshly so as to warn Sai. Shikamaru leaned down and kissed his back, and pushed again into the spot that he’d noticed had made him squirm most. “Aaaah….” Sai had long gone limp, clutching one of his pillows close. Shikamaru came rather explosively. Sai shifted to lay on his back and Shikamaru flopped onto the bed next to him.  
For a long moment, neither of them spoke. The heavy feeling of heat in Shikamaru’s veins had lessened slightly, or at least enough for the waves of liquid to stop so he could ignore the painful fire in the pit of his stomach until he put the seal on again. The weight of what he’d just done had hit Shikamaru and he suddenly felt bad for doing something so vulgar to Sai while thinking of another man. 

“It’s okay, you know,” Sai commented. He refocused on his surroundings and found that Sai had turned to lay on his side and was watching him closely as had become his habit. 

“What?” 

“You finally looked happy again,” Sai gently touched his face. “You were thinking of him, right? It’s alright, I don’t even mind that I didn’t finish like you did. All I wanted was for you to be happy, and I got it even if it was for only a little while,” His fingers lingered on Shikamaru’s face for a minute before pushing up through his hair to untangle some of the knots.

“It isn’t sad?” Shikamaru murmured finally. “It feels terrible, to love someone you’ll never have,” His eyes fogged over for a moment and Sai frowned as the sadness leached back into his face. He couldn’t help but wonder how it was that Gaara was lucky enough to have someone love him as much as Shikamaru clearly did, and not want to hold him close. Next time I see him, I wonder if I will be able to stop myself from being angry? He didn’t speak again though instead deciding it would be better to just be quiet and pull him into a gentle embrace. Shikamaru fell asleep quicker than he usually would have, and woke up as usual before Sai did. He immediately got into the shower, feeling sticky and a bit sore from the night’s events. When he got out he tucked the towel around his waist and moved to get dressed, finding Sai slowly waking up. 

“It hurts a little,” he told Shikamaru in an even, bland voice. Shikamaru winced. 

“I’ll go make you something to eat. The shower is open,” He said quietly. “Just shout if you need me, okay? I’ll still be around for a while,” 

Shikamaru watched him get up, wincing when he saw just how many marks he’d made on his apparent lover the night before. 

The morning went faster than he wanted it to. Sai came out of the bedroom slower than normal though it didn’t show when he sat down. 

“Hurting?” He set a cup of tea in front of him. “Are you alright?” 

Sai looked up at him and nodded. 

“I’ll be okay,” he assured him. “It’s bad, but not as bad as I thought it would be,” Sai paused to shift uncomfortably. “It does hurt a little to sit, though,” 

“Sorry,” He winced. It had been good, but he still didn’t know how it felt. He tried not to wonder if he would feel it himself one day. 

“It’s fine. I did ask for it, didn’t I?” 

Sai kept assuring him that it was fine, eventually saying that he enjoyed the night enough to want to do it again. Shikamaru felt relieved--for as worried as he’d been about it, it was strangely anticlimactic. He’d always been told that having sex for the first time would be something big, but he felt exactly the same as before...well, he did feel a bit closer to Sai at least. That in itself was a small comfort. 

“Just keep the key,” Sai told him as they walked out together. “I’ll get a new spare made,” 

“Okay,” Shikamaru blushed as he tucked the key away into his things, thinking that with this it was official. He and Sai were now undeniably “together”. The proof was in the dark purple mark that was on Sai’s abdomen, just barely visible below the hemline of his uniform when he moved just right.  
Unfortunately for him, Sakura was waiting for Sai on the street. Her eyes widened when she saw them, glued to the red mark on Shikamaru’s neck just barely visible when he turned to look at Sai. Her mouth opened, and then closed again when she saw the mark Sai had peaking just below his uniform. She turned a distinct shade of red.

“...It is true,” She looked between them. “Sai, why didn’t you tell me you’re dating Shikamaru?” She demanded. “I’m on your team, aren’t I? You should tell me these things!” 

“I wasn’t sure until last night,” sai answered her, smiling. “I”ll tell you in the future, okay? So don’t worry so much,” 

“I’ve got to go,” Shikamaru light a cigarette and turned to go. 

“Okay,” Sai reached out to touch his arm, earning a slight smile. Shikamaru quickly headed over to meet his team, thinking of Sai instead of Gaara. It was a nice change for the short amount of time that it lasted. 

Sai watched him go and Sakura cleared her throat softly. 

“Sai, do you really like him that much?” He turned to look at her and realized he was being studied. 

“I don’t know,” He admitted. “But… I want him to be happy again. I think that I am the one who has the best chance at doing it, because nobody else will understand how much of a struggle it can be to feel things after they’re lost,” He offered her a particularly bright smile. “Is that what it means, to love someone? To wish them happiness more than yourself?” He paused to look back down the road towards Shikamaru's back. “...if the trade for his happiness is that I will never truly feel anything… I would not hesitate,” 

Sakura didn’t quite know how to answer. Was Shikamaru really doing so badly that even Sai, the emotionally vacant noticed it? She looked back at Shikamaru, who was already far down the street. She hadn’t noticed much difference besides him seeming a lot more mature and distant than he had before.


	10. Apologies in Empty Space

Shikamaru wasn’t even a day’s journey out of Konoha before his mind went to where they were going. Gaara’s voice flashed in his mind again. He’d tried so hard to get the Hokage to chose someone else--anyone else, but it hadn’t stuck. Now he had to face him again after everything that had happened. He felt the ghost of Sai’s warmth on his skin like a small candle in the darkness of an empty world. It wasn’t much, but at least it was something. His hand kept going up to the mark left on his skin, as if to make sure it was actually still there. Would Sai still like him after he got back? Or would he suddenly, inexplicably be angry just like Gaara had been? It was like he was standing at the edge of a precipice, trapped in that moment just before he lost his balance. His pride told him that if he paid attention, if he thought fast enough and was good enough this time, he would be able to pull himself back and Sai would not leave him as _he_ had. This, and the rival voice that told him that no matter how smart he thought he was he as an omega was just lacking in the necessary trait one was required to have for a man to like him. It was just his lot, the voice said. One could try but there was just no way to fight destiny. It’s not like he had that monstrous determination that someone like Naruto had, fate was fate and he of all people could never best it. This was the voice that grew louder and louder as the ground seemed to vanish before them on their way to city of the one man he would do anything to avoid. 

“Are you okay?” Choji asked him late into the night before they reached suna, peering through the darkness. Shikamaru heard him, but didn’t look up for a second as his mind was slow to process his friend’s words. He pulled himself back to reality and out of the whirlwind of memories and thoughts in his head. His eyes were dead and empty as he looked up and smiled slightly for the sake of his friend. He knew what lie it would take to wipe the worried look from his eyes but Choji was his best friend. Before he could consider it too much, he truth came out of his mouth of its own accord over the lie he didn't even have the heart to think up. 

“I...I don’t know,” He admitted. “I can’t… Choji, I don’t want to see him again. He’s going to be angry, I don’t want to see him angry at me again I--” He cut himself off to take a deep steadying breath. “I’m afraid,” He admitted softly. “I’m so afraid, I don’t want to see that look in his eyes again. He’s so...cold, and I know it shouldn’t bother me, because we were never more than friends to begin with, but--” He cut himself off again and sighed. _but I wanted so much more…_ He couldn’t talk about this now. Even if he finally wanted to talk to his friend, he couldn’t admit how he felt and still force himself to go into that man’s city. 

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” He told his friend quietly, after the turbulent emotions were firmly locked inside. “I’m sorry. Thank you for….for being such a good friend to me. Really. But I can’t do this yet, it’s too much,” Before his friend had a chance to say something sensible that would change his mind (as he had a knack for doing), Shikamaru stood and crossed to the other side of the camp. He didn’t sleep at all that night, only closing his eyes and falling into an almost-sleep an hour before dawn. 

The city of Suna was just as he’d remembered it. Gaara’s scent lingered over it, permeating everything. He smelled it in the very stones of the buildings around them. He shrank in on himself, lighting yet another cigarette as they entered the city limits and basking in the scent of the smoke as if it would protect him from the still-raw wound his own feelings had made. His face became a cold mask of indifference. They went immediately to greet the Kazekage. Shikamaru was surprised at how well he did--he bowed on ceremony as he entered, and with cold empty eyes he stared at the spot just behind Gaara and gave the message he’d been told to give. He held out the scrolls, which were taken by Kankuro and delivered to Gaara’s hand. 

“You may go. I have things to finish before I can read your Hokage’s message. Someone will find you if you are needed,” Gaara’s voice slammed into Shikamaru’s very bones like a lightning strike and sent a painfully intoxicating warmth through his body. He visibly flinched, even if it was only slightly. 

“Kazekage-dono,” He murmured, bowing again and leaving.

Nobody spoke until they were in the rooms they’d been given. Ino watched him with clear concern, but seemed to be having trouble voicing the question in her eyes. 

“Shikamaru…” She began, drawing his eyes. “I don’t mean to pry, but… you and the Kazekage…. What happened between you?” 

He just stared at her blankly until she looked away. How much should he say? How much had his friend figured out? How much more shame could he dare to bring onto that man by admitting his unseemly feelings, and bringing yet more shame to the Kazekage’s honourable intentions of what had once been friendship? 

 

“I don’t want to say,” he finally told her when he couldn’t force himself to come up with a believable lie, turning back to look out the window. “It’s best to just say that I… made a mistake, and misunderstood what should have been an innocent situation. That’s why I begged the Hokage to let someone else go instead of me. But now i’m with Sai and….a-and hopefully it’s...better now,” He didn’t let himself speak more, but pain was clear in his eyes and in the distance of his voice. 

“Sorry to ask,” She answered quietly, letting the subject drop. Even she knew when it was better to let sleeping dogs lie. 

The next few days were rough for Shikamaru. The memory of his night with Sai could only last so long. His scent had long gone, leaving only emptiness and fear of another rebuking anger from Gaara. 

Unbeknownst to Shikamaru, Gaara was too caught up in a whirlwind of feelings he didn’t understand to be able to talk to Shikamaru. He’d noticed the second Shikamaru had crossed the city limits, and had wanted to confess that he had made what was likely the biggest mistake of his life in reacting out of anger. Seeing him again face to face brought strange feelings up that he’d been trying to crush beneath the vast mountain of work he had as Kazekage. He cast his third eye jutsu and watched him as his team came to see him--there he was, in his city. Finally he was here within reach, finally he was close. A very confusing flood of emotions whirled inside him like a storm, tearing at his skin from the inside and giving him a very peculiar feeling of being covered in small crawling things. Shikamaru’s scent flooded the room, dulled by his jutsu but glaringly obvious to Gaara. Without a thought to the scroll in his hands, Gaara opened his mouth to talk to him about it but something had caught his attention. Shikamaru had the scent of another lingering on him. It was barely discernible from the long journey and the pounding elements, but he could smell it clearly as soon as they were face to face. Shikamaru’s cold and empty eyes struck him like knives and the dull emotionless ring of his voice as he parroted off his Hokage’s message lingered in his heart like a hot coal burning through him. His chest constricted, and he had to force the emotion from his face as his brother turned to hand him the scroll. 

_What have I done to him?_ He thought. Shikamaru looked as if he hadn’t slept well in weeks, and despite having another’s scent on him (as well as the mark on his neck that Gaara was trying his best to ignore) he was yet to be claimed. By the man’s actions it was clear that he hadn’t wanted anything that Gaara had, and his logical mind wanted him to be fine with just seeing him happy. But… but he didn’t look happy _at all._ Not even slightly. In fact, every second he was in Suna Gaara couldn’t deny that all he smelled from Shikamaru was fear and anxiety. After they left he told his brother to leave under the guise of needing to focus and clutched the scroll tightly--it was something that he had been holding--shameful of him, Gaara thought, but even something like this… even to be close to something that he’d been holding brought a sad sort of smile to his face. When had he become so desperate, to be pleased by such a silly thing? Gaara couldn’t even be bothered to be upset about his lack of composure. 

He tried his hardest to avoid the leaf altogether, but the work he was doing required their help. Most of it finished the night after they arrived as Gaara sat awake sleeplessly. 

A Suna genin knocked lightly on Choji’s door sometime after dawn, rousing him from a deep sleep. He groaned and sat up. It’s still so early. That Gaara never does rest when there’s work to be done, does he? He answered the door, and as he’d thought it was a summons. 

“He said as soon as you’re ready. Just you is fine,” The genin assured him. 

“Thanks,” Choji groaned and closed the door. Just him? Why? He thought of his friend and sighed. Maybe it was true. Did the Kazekage really hate Shikamaru that much? Hard as he thought, as he approached the man’s office he couldn’t figure it out. Gaara had never seemed the time for personal grudges. Not anymore, anyway. Just how long ago had Shikamaru made him angry? He’d even thought they were friends, for a time. How on earth could he have been so wrong? Usually Choji was good at picking up on these sort of things.

“You requested my presence, Kazekage-sama?” He called after being introduced into the room. The curtain parted and Gaara gestured to the chair opposite to him at the table he was sitting by. It was covered with piles and piles of scrolls and loose pages. 

“Please, sit,” Gaara didn’t even look up from the scroll he was reading. “Make yourself comfortable. I apologize if it is too early. I instructed the genin who called you to wait until he heard sound of you being awake,” He looked up and offered him a scroll. 

“Thank you,” Choji took the scroll and opened it. “Did you have any specific reason for...not wanting the others here?” He looked up into Gaara’s face as he asked this but read no change in the stillness of his expression. 

“I have bothered him enough as it is, there is no need for him not to sleep in. Clearly he needs it,” Gaara said plainly. They both knew that the other understood more than the outward appearance of his relationship with Shikamaru. Gaara looked at him and wondered if this man knew that he had made unwanted advances on his friend. Frankly he hoped not... 

“I see,” Choji looked down at the scroll but didn’t see it. So it was true. There really was something more personal about his friend’s relationship with The Kazekage… Somehow it didn’t really sound like the man hated Shikamaru, though. If he was angry, why was it that his voice sounded sad as he spoke about him even indirectly? 

They turned to the business at hand, and neither of them mentioned the subject looming between them. Sometime just after noon Gaara abruptly stopped what he was writing and set it aside. 

“You must be hungry,” He said quietly. “That is enough for now, please go rest,” 

Choji deflated with relief. He hadn’t wanted to say it but he’d been starving for the past couple hours. He quickly put away the scrolls he was working on. 

“Thank you, Kazekage-sama,” He said cheerfully, and turned to go. 

“If she is up to it, I might gain knowledge from your teammate, Ino,” Gaara called to him. “So as to give you a break from working,” 

“I’ll send her your way, sir,” Choji assured him, thinking again of Shikamaru and wondering if he was okay. Gaara watched him go and sighed. He’d been wanting to ask him if Shikamaru was alright, but somehow the words had lingered in the back of his throat and he he hadn’t been able to force them out. When had talking become so difficult? _Maybe I can ask the other one…_

“I don’t know what to do, mother,” He said quietly to the sand that had swirled up from under the table to form the face of his mother. “How can I check on him without hurting him again? Would it be disrespectful to watch him, while he’s here?”  
He worked tirelessly until a knock sounded on the door and broke his concentration.  
Ino came in just as Choji had, bowing slightly on ceremony. He gestured for her to sit. 

“Please, make yourself comfortable,” He said quietly. Should he ask? Would he be overstepping his bounds? Just how much did Ino know about what had happened between him and Shikamaru? More than that, would he yet again fail to breach the subject despite his need to know? He thought about it, puzzling, as he wrote until she broke the silence. 

“Pardon me if I’m being rude,” She began, looking up at him. He tilted his head slightly. Somehow she reminded him of his sister. “I want to ask you a question, Kazekage, sir. If I am crossing a line, please tell me, but I am worried about my friend,” 

He nodded slightly, still watching. “Ask,” He prompted. 

“It’s… A...kind of _personal_ question, sir. It’s about….Shikamaru,” She added, looking hesitant. “It’s none of my business what happened between you two, so if you don’t want to answer that’s okay. And again, I’m sorry for being rude,” It looked as if she hesitated, unwilling for some reason to continue what she’d began. Not that he blamed her, even he knew exactly how unapproachable he could be (despite his best efforts). He nodded again. 

“...I do not mind. Please, ask,” He prompted again. Did she not know what he’d done? He’d been puzzling over how to bring it up delicately and she had done it for him. Lucky, or unlucky? He wasn’t sure. EIther way Gaara couldn’t bring himself to avoid it. She stared at him with determined eyes. 

“What...happened between you two, sir? He told me that he made a mistake, but wouldn’t say more. I just… I wanted to help. Honestly I thought you two had been friends, back then, since you played Shogi so often,” She wanted to look away, but the chance to see some change in the usually stoic man’s face was impossible to avoid. There was a slight flicker of sadness in his eyes, but nothing more. _So he thinks trying to be friends with me is...a mistake?_

“We were very good friends, before,” Gaara answered her quietly without looking away from the brush still poised above the paper to write. “What we wanted from each other didn’t line up. I was…” He trailed off to look up at her before looking back down and continuing to write. “I asked too much of him and he was too kind to say no until the pressure of it broke him. The way I reacted was admittedly childish especially for one of my station, so after that we had no more chance of being friends. He can’t even look at me in the eyes anymore. I must say that his presence here after everything that happened is a testament to how strong the ninja of your village can be. Even when I have forced him into such an uncomfortable position he did not waver in doing his duty and coming to what must be the very last place he wants to be,” He looked up at her, and she saw something different in his eyes--so vague that she couldn’t quite place it, but she knew it was there and trusted her instincts enough not to question it no matter how unexpected it was.  
“I admit that he would help me with this far faster than both of you could, but I would rather not see him upset as being in my presence seems to make him. Shikamaru is a good man, and too good of a Ninja not to comply with his duty. Presumptuous as it is, I would take it upon myself to protect him from such things,” Gaara hadn’t meant to say so much, but he’d never been good at keeping his thoughts and feelings to himself once he began talking. Ino had asked, so he answered. He remembered the sadness in Shikamaru’s eyes and his eyes dimmed ever so slightly. How could he have been happy to make him look like that? No matter how upset he was, there was _never_ a reason to treat someone so badly. He’d thought he had improved from the monster he had been growing up but looking back at his selfish happiness that they were both hurting because of his actions… he felt sick to his stomach. Sure, he no longer indiscriminately murdered people but why was it that he felt like a monster now more than ever? Clearly he still had mountains of growing to do.

Ino watched and listened, eyes wide with surprise. She hadn’t had very much of an expectation when she’d asked, and honestly had only dared to voice the question because they were alone. In fact she hadn’t known what she was expecting but this was definitely not it. _By the sound of it, Gaara…Was the ‘too much’ that he wanted...love? So Shikamaru hadn’t wanted to say it because he was afraid to upset Gaara again after turning him down... I had thought it was strange at the time, but this explains why Gaara was in Konoha so often back then. One can’t help it, when they fall in love._ She noticed the change in his eyes, as slight as it was, and was awed by how different Gaara was from her mental image of him. She hadn’t thought he was capable of any sadness, but there it was in his eyes as clear as day. Sure he may be the strongest ninja in Sunagakure but he was so fragile. Even the Kazekage could have a broken heart. 

“I’m very sorry for bringing it up, Kazekage-sama,” She answered quietly. “I don’t mean to overstep my place but if you need someone to talk to about this I have plenty of experience with unrequited feelings...” She fell silent again, mulling over what she’d been told. Shikamaru’s behaviour up till now made more sense. She’d been trying to figure out why on earth he was so upset. The pieces fit together. 

“Ms. Yamanaka...May I ask you something?” He asked, and when she looked up she was surprised to see the Kazekage looking more uncertain than she’d ever seen him. She nodded, too surprised to speak. “Is he happy? I know he has someone else now, I can smell it, but he doesn’t seem…” He trailed off, looking at her with vaguely sad eyes. 

“I--” Yet again she didn’t know how to answer. He’d seemed off for a while now, of course, but this was the first she was hearing that he had someone. How could Gaara be able to tell just from seeing him once? Well… he was an alpha, and a very powerful one at that. Perhaps she shouldn’t be too surprised.  
“If he’s actually dating someone, I think it’s probably doing alright,” She said vaguely, not wanting to lie. He seemed to accept this, nodding silently and going back to his work. With that she just worked harder to finish, until Gaara stopped and prompted her to go. 

“It is getting late, and I can see that you’re tired,” He told her softly. “I can finish the rest myself. It will be done by tomorrow night,” he didn’t look up from his work, or bother to meet her eyes, but Ino smiled anyway. Perhaps Gaara was far more caring than his cold exterior suggested. Suddenly she was reminded of Sai--maybe he tried just as hard, but didn’t show it as much? She bowed again, this time slightly deeper than necessary. 

“Tomorrow, then, sir,” she turned to go and was halfway out the door when Gaara suddenly spoke again. 

“Ms. Yamanaka,” He called. She turned to find him looking at her with his usual heavy gaze.

“Yes?” 

“About what I told you earlier… I would appreciate it if you didn’t let him know that you know,” He down and shifted around some of his papers. “My feelings have caused Shikamaru enough trouble as it is. I imagine he would feel bad if he knew more than he does. It’s best if he forgets all about me, and focuses completely on the one he is with now,” he looked up again and was surprised to see her smiling at him. 

“Don’t worry, Kazekage-sama, I’ll keep it to myself,” She assured him. “Unrequited love can really be painful, can’t it?” her smile turned sad and she thought of Sasuke, now long gone. 

Gaara nodded slightly, and looked down to continue writing. She turned away, thinking he was done, and his parting words only reached her just as she crossed the threshold. 

“Thank you, Ino…”

Ino left thinking that it was more than a little surprising to see someone like Gaara (whom she’d thought of as untouchable and above such paltry emotions) struggle with the same problem she did. _Affairs of the heart are difficult for everyone… I suppose I don’t feel so bad about Sasuke anymore. There’s no way I’ve ever hurt as much as he obviously is, to be so desperate as to let someone like me of all people see it only for the small chance that he might get information on how Shikamaru is doing._

Shikamaru spent the entirety of that day in his room, working out until his limbs shook and he could barely breathe, resting, and working out again as soon as his breath returned. He tried to sleep but when he closed his eyes he saw Gaara’s face. 

The next day, in the early hours before dawn, he came out of his room to walk the city. He had meant to avoid Gaara, but he had a duty to finish the mission he’d been given. _I want to go home. It hurts to be here, so close and so.. God, so very far..._ Gaara’s scent was everywhere, and he couldn’t avoid it no matter how hard he tried. His muscles ached as he walked, staring at nothing in particular as the dawn broke and cast a light on the city. 

“He’s surely awake now,” Shikamaru said decisively. “I’m only doing my duty as a Konoha ninja. It’s my job to help him finish this,” He knew Gaara wouldn’t be happy to see him, and despite his fear of making him angry again he just wanted to see his face again. Even if he had to deal with the cold emptiness in his eyes he wanted to face him again, and sit in the same room. _He can’t turn me away if I’m only doing my duty…_

Before he could stop himself, he knocked on the door to Gaara’s study. Gaara had smelled him coming down the street and froze, staring wide-eyed at the door. _He’s come. He’s come here, without me asking, without me having to force him. What do I say, mother? How should I act?_

“Yes?” He called, after he was sure his voice would stay even. He didn’t look up from where he sat at the table, reading over the scrolls that Ino had finished. 

“I was sure you’d be awake. Pardon me for bothering you, Kazekage-dono, but I thought it would be best for both of us if I helped you finish the work that needs to be done so we can both move on to important matters,” Shikamaru bowed low where he stood at the door, not daring to enter further. Fear gripped him. _What on earth am I doing here? He’s going to yell at me. He’s going to be angry, he’s going to--_

“As usual, you are right,” Gaara broke into his thoughts, still not looking up. Shikamaru was simultaneously glad and pained that he didn’t have to see those eyes again. “The rest of it is there. You can handle it without me having to explain,” He gestured with his brush to the stack of scrolls on the other end of the table. “Please, sit,”

Shikamaru moved stiffly into the room and sat at the farthest point of the table, scowling. _At least he’s not kicking me out…_

Admittedly, both Gaara and Shikamaru worked slightly slower than they could have. Neither of them looked at the other, though Gaara’s scent flooded the room like a thick blanket and Shikamaru kept breathing it in, hoping it would stick to him even though Gaara didn’t feel the same as he did. To this day he hadn’t smelled anything like him--nothing had ever effected him so strongly, and frankly he was sure nothing ever would. 

The room permeated with silence between them, not a word spoken after their initial greeting. Neither of them dared to break the silence until Gaara looked out the window and saw the sun rising. The rest of Shikamaru’s team would be here soon. This would be his last chance, more than likely, and Shikamaru deserved at the very least an apology. 

“I have been meaning to apologize,” He said, very quietly. Shikamaru froze and shrank back in his seat slightly. He stared down at the words he was writing and his mind kicked into overdrive as it focused and refocused on every single detail of Gaara--his scent, the sound of his voice, how he looked in the edges of his vision, those bright intoxicating eyes...  
“...I overreacted, the last time you were here. No matter what happened or didn’t happen between us I never should have been so cruel to a man like you, who will never deserve such treatment. It seems even the progress I have made to become the Kazekage is not enough. I still have growing up to do. I do not deserve your forgiveness, but I would like you to understand that I do know that I was wrong in acting so childish,” 

Shikamaru didn’t answer right away--he was shocked. _Don’t get the wrong impression, Shikamaru, he’s not saying he likes you he’s just saying he didn’t have to be rude._ He didn’t dare look up, and his knuckles turned white as he clutched the brush tightly. After nearly a full two minutes he spoke.

“I… it’s okay, Kazekage-dono. It...I, uh… I guess I should have b...been more honest about...about... things,” His face scrunched up and he didn’t dare look up from the page in front of him. Gaara watched him closely and the thick feeling that had been churning up his insides for a while now swelled up and his throat closed. He could barely keep breathing past it. He wanted to tell Shikamaru that he hoped he was happy now, but he couldn’t speak again without the needle-pricks in his eyes sharpening and shifting to tears that he didn’t dare shed in front of this man, and guilt him even more with his ugly feelings.  
Several hours after dawn Ino and Choji came, and they both seemed surprised to see them together. 

“I brought the last one, finished writing it down this morning,” Ino told Gaara, setting it gently on the table in front of him. Gaara didn’t look up at her, just nodded slightly. 

“Shikamaru has finished most of what was left. As soon as he’s done with that one, I can copy the results and you’ll be free to go back home,” He told her, writing quicker than he had before. 

The day was over before Gaara wanted it to be. He bid team 10 good bye in his office, locking eyes with Ino, who offered her hand to shake as well as a sad, knowing smile that lingered in the corners of her eyes where only Gaara understood it’s true meaning. 

“It was an honour working with you, Kazekage-sama,” She said quietly. He thought that perhaps in this situations it was best to smile, but he didn’t force the expression. 

“The leaf is always welcome in Suna,” he answered softly, and watched them go until he could no longer sense Shikamaru’s faint scent other than the dull cloud lingering in his room. When they were gone, Gaara looked down at the last scroll Shikamaru had been writing and pressed it to his lips--he had lied, it hadn’t been necessary. He’d just wanted to keep a part of Shikamaru with him, even just his writing. 

Shikamaru was rather proud of how well he’d been keeping himself in check. By the time he got back to Konoha three days later he had managed to hold back the tremors despite the fact that the hours they’d spent in the same room were playing in his mind on loop. Gaara’s scent stuck in his mind long after it had faded, and Gaara’s ink brush that he’d stolen burned in his mind even as it was hidden out of sight among his things. He and his team went to deliver the scrolls they had with them to the Hokage and fill out the paperwork from their mission. Throughout it his expression of empty disinterest never wavered. Choji and Ino kept eyeing him worriedly, but didn’t say anything for fear of disturbing what they knew was an already volatile situation. 

It was only when he was in the safe privacy of Sai’s home that he let his guard down. He closed the door behind him gently and leaned against it, trying desperately to breathe past the pressure that had been sitting on his chest since he saw Gaara. His breath hitched in his throat and abruptly he sank to the ground, sobbing and choking on the very air in his lungs as it hissed through his teeth. _He hates me… He hates me, and no wonder… I deserve it, but.. .but it hurts. Gaara, why? Why did I have to mess things up so badly? Can’t we just go back to before, back to when you didn’t know how I felt?_

He let his emotions run until he felt empty again, eventually managing to drag himself to his feet to go sit on the balcony and smoke again. There he sat, heedless of the cold that had crept up around him. 

He didn’t even notice that Sai had come home until he felt a hand gently touch his shoulder. He flinched away from it, turning to stare at Sai with wide eyes and relaxing only slightly when he realized who it was. 

“I’ve made you tea,” He said quietly, studying Shikamaru. He’d been wondering how he would look when he returned from his mission, knowing how badly he’d been the night before he left. What Sai saw as he looked into his eyes worried him. He looked completely empty--void of sadness as well as happiness. It was like looking into the eyes of a painted doll, a bad replica of a human being. _As I feared, it’s gotten worse…_

“Thank you,” Shikamaru answered quietly, putting out his cigarette and following him inside. 

“I ran into your father yesterday,” Sai tilted his head slightly. “It seems he did not know that it was me you moved in with. I did not tell him,” He set a cup of tea in front of Shikamaru. 

“It’s alright, I need to tell him eventually,” Shikamaru assured him. “I’ll go pick up more of my things tomorrow,” 

“I’ll go with you,” Sai offered a smile, but Shikamaru just stared at him blankly. 

“Haven’t I told you not to do that?” He mumbled. “I like you the same even if you don’t smile. Just be yourself, stop trying to force it,” 

“Yes, of course,” Sai dropped the show of emotion and his face turned blank. He’d forgotten that Shikamaru didn’t stand such things. Silence grew between them as Sai took out a scroll and began to draw, and Shikamaru just stared into the distance. Eventually Sai spoke. 

“Do you want me to kiss you?” he asked suddenly, setting aside his drawing so that it could dry. “I’m not sore anymore from before, so if you want to try again I will not mind. I would prefer it, if it would make you feel better…” he stood to deposit his empty teacup and Shikamaru’s untouched drink into the sink. Shikamaru looked up at him and wondered if it would help. The feel of another’s skin on his was...pleasant, of course, but he didn’t want Sai. He wanted… _Gaara…_

“Yeah, okay,” He mumbled, getting up. He felt sluggish, like he was moving through mud. It felt as if he’d be this way forever--what had it been like to be happy? Even just content? Now he felt nothing, not even the memory of anything--his memories were all grey, like the world around him. Only empty space. _I don’t even care if it’s wrong anymore…_ He pulled off his uniform and dropped it on the floor as he came into the bedroom, thinking that he was only sorry that he was dragging Sai into this. _I’m… too much. All I can do is drag people down with me, so why am I letting it get this far? It’s too late to stop, I may as well just do it until Sai hates me, too. I may as well._ He didn’t say anything as Sai pulled his uniform off and laid next to him, bare skin against skin. Thankfully the man didn’t seem to be trying to rush anything. He just snuggled into the crook of his arm, resting his hand on Shikamaru’s chest. 

“Do you want to hide from your parents that we are dating?” Sai craned his neck to look up at him. Shikamaru just sighed. Did he want to bother? He pulled the hair tie out of his hair and ruffled it. It seemed like an awful lot of work.

“I’ll decide tomorrow. Do you care?” 

Sai shook his head and laid back down. “It’s your decision. I’m fine with anything that makes you happy. It’s more interesting that way,” He kissed Shikamaru on the chest. “Do you want to do anything? I want to put another mark on you like you gave me, if that’s okay,” 

“Yeah you can do whatever you want,” Shikamaru mumbled softly. “I don’t know if I can reciprocate though,” He closed his eyes. Sai was trying to make him happy, he could tell. He felt bad for the man. His efforts had the same effect as throwing pebbles into a river--the water would run on, and Shikamaru’s emptiness would echo through him as it always did. If it had been anyone else he would refuse to let this go on, but Sai had insisted more than once that he was incapable of being sad like most people so even if it did end up badly for him he would welcome the change in emotion. 

“I’ve never been heartbroken before,” He’d said. “If you could give me that, I would be happy to receive it,” His words rang in Shikamaru’s head as he felt his mouth soft on his chest. Sai moved to sit on his hips, leaning down to gently kiss his chest. His teeth grazed softly over Shikamaru’s skin, sending a dull tingle into his body that vanished quicker than he wanted it to. 

“Again,” He prompted, burying his fingers into Sai’s soft black hair. “Again, but harder,” Sai looked up at his face for a moment, surprised. He’d never pegged Shikamaru as someone who enjoyed pain, but if he was curious Sai was perfectly happy to indulge him. He bit down harder on the tender skin of Shikamaru’s shoulder blades and chest, rather pleased by the soft hiss that Shikamaru kept making. 

Sai was wrong about one thing, though. It wasn’t that Shikamaru liked pain. It was just the simple fact that the physical ache of teeth tearing into his flesh filled the dull void in the pit of his chest. Every new mark that Sai made on his skin dropped another small pebble into the imobile lake inside him that was his feelings. It probably wasn’t the healthiest way to cope with it, but at least he wasn’t actively hurting himself. By the time Sai’s mouth grew too tired to make any more dark purplish bite marks on his body he’d managed to make 14 or so deep bite marks, and even more hickeys ranging from light pink to dark violet-black. Blood leaked from the deeper bite marks, which Sai licked up with his mouth. Shikamaru opened his eyes to look at him after he regained his composure. He wiped the tears from his eyes.

“Thank you,”

Sai sat up and tilted his head slightly. “I should bandage these,” He answered. “Just stay there, I will take care of it for you,” He reached for the set of drawers by his bed, retrieving a medical kit. Shikamaru closed his eyes again and let him do as he pleased, not really caring enough about himself to do what he knew was necessary.

He lay awake for hours after Sai fell asleep, laying in bed and letting him cuddle up around him as he always did. Shikamaru tried but he couldn’t stop seeing Gaara. The memory of his scent was stuck into his mind and the fact that he hadn’t been able to reach out to him, that he could no longer ignore how badly he wanted to be _more…_ It just hurt. He slept, finally, but the image of Gaara’s anger echoed ingo his mind making his dreams less than restful.


	12. Living Without You

The harder he tried, the more difficult it was for Gaara to forget how badly he wanted to go to Shikamaru and make everything alright again. He arduously reminded himself that Shikamaru was better off without him and his overbearing feelings. He’d gone and forced their relationship in the first place--looking back he couldn’t help but think that Shikamaru would never have been friends with him in the first place if he hadn’t forced it that day in the alley when they met again after he found out the omega’s secret.

That voice in his head that grated painfully on his ears like the monster’s voice once had told him that he’d been presumptuous in the first place, that of course a man like Shikamaru who had such a good family, so many good friends for his entire life, would never have bothered with the monster that he had once been. Now, he was just a different kind of monster. A monster that gained happiness from the pain of the one he had grown to love so much. In one moment of anger he’d crushed his own heart as well as Shikamaru’s, and Gaara knew he would have to live with the consequences of the mistake that had shattered their friendship easily as glass. He’d be picking the glass out of his skin for the rest of his life, or at least that’s what it felt like… 

“Gaara,” 

Temari stood in the doorway where she’d been for at least five minutes, just watching. She’d been waiting for her brother to notice her--usually he was impossible to sneak up on, but she saw the flash of surprise in his eyes as they jerked to look up at him, and the sudden swirling of sand around his legs where he stood at the window that was the sign of defense. 

“Sorry to bother you, but Kankuro needs you. One of the teams just came back, I don’t know what happened but it doesn’t look good,” 

Gaara turned immediately to go, reigning in the feelings he’d been trying to untangle. “Thank you,” He brushed past her, not noticing the way her eyes lingered after him with deep concern. He focused on the task at hand--the band of rogue ninja that had sprung up and was currently causing problems somewhere between his village and the land of rivers. Half of their team hadn’t made it out alive--a harsh reality, and something easy enough to push the horror of his own mistake into the back of Gaara’s mind. 

Hours later, long after the sun had set, Gaara could be found standing nearly out of sight of his village, surrounded by a cloud of sand. Shikamaru’s image formed in the sand before him, sitting with the old familiar expression he had when he was thinking hard about something. Suddenly something that had been burning inside of him for weeks cracked and flooded to the surface, and tears began to flood down Gaara’s face. 

“I really ruined it. He was such a good...good person, and I went and said something so cruel. I thought I had grown out of being so callous but for a while I was honestly glad. How could I have been so...so utterly foolish? No matter how badly I hurt, it was never… never worth _this_ …” The expression on the sand-clone of Shikamaru morphed into the surprised agony that had been on his face when he’d tried to talk to him the day Gaara had said those words. 

“Nothing… nothing in this world or any other is worth the expression I put on his face,” _Me. It was me, for no other reason than selfishness…_ Sure, Shikamaru would never love him. That was fine--as fine as it ever would be. But if he had just kept his damn mouth shut and grown up about it, Shikamaru could still have that easy, happy look on his face. He might even be allowed to see him happy with someone else… The thought of Shikamaru being with someone other than him brought painfully thick hatred to the surface, but it was drowned by the horrifying picture of that expression on his face. The hate, he finally understood--he’d thought about it every waking minute for the past month and it was obvious now. 

It was his Alpha instincts, craving to possess an Omega. He hadn’t seen it before because such things had never interested him--he’d never really been drawn to an omega before, especially since only blood had drawn his gaze when he was growing up. Nobody had bothered to have those conversations with him, and even now his family hesitated to bring it up. He felt foolish for being ignorant of something so obvious, but… Well, what did it matter now anyway? No matter how badly he wanted to sink his teeth into Shikamaru’s skin and mark him as his own, it would never happen. Which...he would have to accept one day. 

The one thing he would never accept, the thing that kept him awake every night… it was the fact that it hadn’t been another to cause that omega pain. It had been him. 

There was no recompense for a mistake so monumental, and for that he would never forgive himself. He didn’t deserve to be in Shikamaru’s presence anymore, let alone his good graces. He’d just have to get over himself and swallow his ridiculous Alpha tendencies before they did any more harm. 

It was easier said than done, though. It seemed to be that simply realizing what his problem was and thinking about it had made it worse, torn off the scab and rubbed salt into the wound. Gaara came back from the desert with a steely expression, but the emotions inside whirled to even greater heights. The anger he felt at himself was suffocating, and it leaked into his scent so that it fell over the city and clouded every room he entered despite his increasing endeavors to hold it back. The scent of his anger set the entire city of Sunagakure on edge, though not even Temari dared to ask him why he was so angry.

He kept himself as busy as ever, though lately it was not as difficult as it used to be. The rouges were causing ever more trouble for his people, even going so far as to make chace of one of his tams into the very land around Sunagakure. They didn’t get far, because Gaara was so very on edge that the scent of animosity had struck him as soon as they were within sight and as the runner came to find him and warn him, he was already making his way to intervene. 

“Kazekage, sir, there’s--” The omega started, but Gaara cut him off. 

“I know. I’ll take care of it now,” He was perhaps a bit more abrupt than he meant to be, but she didn’t notice as she was too busy cowering under the painful weight of his scent. 

Gaara struck out over the sand with an uncharacteristically open expression of fury. He’d been searching for an outlet for his anger, even going so far as to spend time in his room training the taijutsu that had been the first thing to break his defense so very long ago. It wasn’t the same, and much as he hated it he craved blood again. Gaara only hoped that he wouldn’t fall back into his old habits. 

The ragged, exhausted team cried out in joy as they saw him striding towards them with purpose, and Gaara just nodded slightly as they came into view. 

“Get back to Suna,” He ordered, and they darted past him. He strode on and the rogues before him were hit by his scent almost the same as a physical barrier--it was shocking, thick and painful, and the omega among the group lingered back with sharp, pained eyes. Gaara could almost see them physically struggling with their urge to submit, and it was somehow amusing to the darkest part of himself. He could immediately tell who of the group was the Alpha leader--She stepped forward with her teeth bared. 

“You really are a monster, aren’t you,” She growled. 

“I do not like wasting my words on scum alphas or their useless omegas,” He growled, and his expression morphed into something animalistic as he allowed some of his anger at himself to leak through to the surface.

To their credit, the rogues didn’t shrink back from him even a little as he struck out with one smooth killing blow. Blood spattered him and he just stood there in the eye of the maelstrom of sand as Gaara forced the feelings back under his control. It took him a few minutes, but by the time he made his way back to his waiting siblings he looked just the same as he always did, though his scent still churned heavily in the air around him. 

“Is...everything okay?” Temari asked gingerly as he approached. Gaara nodded and scanned the city-- Thankfully everyone seemed to be going about their usual business. 

“I need to take care of a few things. I’ll be in my office,” He brushed past them and buried himself into the arduous task of sorting paperwork in the hopes that the anger that had become his norm would subside. 

It didn’t, but he was starting to get used to keeping it in check. 

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

The day that Sai returned, Shikamaru was training with Hinata. Lee had been called away to another mission, leaving him alone until Hinata came across him. After they took a break, she decided to mention what had been on her mind. 

“Shikamaru, what are you going to do?” She asked quietly. 

“Hn? What do you mean ‘what’, I’m going to lay down. I’ve been failing to break that impenetrable defense of yours for hours now,” He answered without looking up. 

“No, I mean… Are you going to stay with Sai forever, when you don’t love him?” 

That caught Shikamaru’s attention. He opened his eyes and jerked his head to look at her. Just how much did she know? He sighed. Women could be annoyingly sharp sometimes. 

“As long as he still has something to gain from me,” He answered softly. “When he finds the right woman I’ll step aside,” 

Hinata sighed. This was quite possibly the saddest answer he could have given. _So he doesn’t care about himself at all… Was it that painful, what happened between him and Gaara?_

“You deserve better,” She told him quietly. “You deserve more than just that,”  
Shikamaru laughed softly, more of a rebuke of her statement than an expression of amusement. 

“No. No, I really don't,” he answered softly. “I really blew it with him, Hinata. I didn’t want anyone else after what happened and honestly I doubt I ever will, but Sai is interested. He wanted to know what it was like to be with another guy, so I’m happy to oblige. When he finally grows tired of me too, I’ll leave,” He stood and turned away from her, shaking from more than just exhaustion. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” 

 

“Shikamaru, if you run it’ll only get worse,” She warned. “Your heart is breaking, even I can see that. Give yourself the chance to cry,” 

“I have cried. I don’t have any tears anymore. I don’t even have a heart, anymore,” His voice was soft and even as he began to walk away from her. “I thank you for caring about me enough to bother, Hinata, but you’re wasting your time. I’ve already become worthless in matters of the heart. Let Sai use me however he likes, I don’t care how long it lasts,” He went to the academy, deciding to see about how he could help Iruka with the never-ending tide of work that it took to care for children and run a school. 

Shikamaru meant exactly what he’d said to Hinata that evening. He thought of it again as he walked home and decided to try harder for Sai. Maybe it would be a good distraction. A good change from the vast emptiness inside him.  
When he got home he sat on the couch, only bothering to unzip his vest and pull down his hair. He felt like he only just sat down when he was startled out of his reverie by the sound of the door unlocking. Sai entered, looking dirty and ragged. 

“You’re up early,” He commented. Shikamaru glanced out the window. Somehow he’d been just sitting there all night. The sun had just rose, casting an orange light over the room. 

“I forgot to sleep,” he admitted quietly. “Good to see you again, Sai,” 

“It’s not healthy to miss sleep,” Sai answered, kicking off his shoes and dropping his things before going to sit on the couch beside him. Shikamaru pulled him closer, practically dragging the other man onto his lap. 

“You really did miss me,” Sai tilted his head slightly and wrapped his arms around Shikamaru’s neck. 

“It’s easier to be with someone,” he answered honestly. “I feel lost when I’m alone. Time jumps forward without me and I forget to do things. Is that wrong?” He closed his eyes and pulled Sai into a loose hug. This felt better than nothing. Better than sitting on the couch and forgetting to sleep, to eat dinner. He was almost worried that if Sai wasn’t here he would open his eyes one day and his life would have passed on without him. 

“I don’t know if it is, but it doesn’t bother me,” Sai gently cradled his head. “What do you want to do?” 

“Do you want me to kiss you again?” Shikamaru asked quietly. “I can pretend I love you. You wanted to know what it was like, right? I can do that, if you ask me to. I know how it feels to love someone, so I can pretend it’s you,” His voice was muffled as he spoke into Sai’s clothes so he didn’t hear the slight wavering. Silence moved between them as Sai considered this. It was true, he had wanted to know what it felt like to be loved. Surely it would be the same? If not the same, close enough. And… wouldn’t it help distract Shikamaru from the man who he really loved? Sai wasn’t sure, but surely it wouldn’t hurt to try.

“I think I might like that,” he smoothed back Shikamaru’s hair and wondered if this would make him smile for real. Shikamaru immediately picked him up and carried him to the bedroom, nudging the door open with his foot.

“Tell me if I go too far,” He ordered. “I know you’re strong enough to stop me if you don’t like it, so don’t go and do something stupid like trying to deal with it,”

“I’ll tell you,” Sai assured him, though he was sure there was nothing Shikamaru could do that he wouldn’t allow. Simply the experience of being with him was interesting, and it wasn’t like Shikamaru didn’t make sure he enjoyed himself. 

Shikamaru grunted in approval at this, and began to slowly undress him. Sai immediately moved his hands to try to help but it was slapped away. 

“Let me do it,” he breathed. His mind still kept going, even now, and instead of pushing it away as he usually did he just let it go. _Gaara… I know I’m not good enough for you, so maybe this will be okay…_ His eyes dimmed and narrowed with determination. Sai watched him with open, blank interest as he slid his hand up the soft skin of his chest. His hands were softer than they’d been before, more gentle. He planted a line of kisses down the center of his chest until he came to his pants and Sai could feel a new sort of intensity in his breath. 

“What are you going to do?” Sai wondered. 

“I saw one of Kakashi’s books, when he left it sitting out. It wasn’t done by a guy, but I thought you might enjoy it anyway. I don’t have to bother with the seal for just this,” he explained softly as he unbuttoned Sai’s pants. “Is there anything you want me to do, besides that?” 

 

“I’d like it if you enjoyed yourself too,” Sai sat up to look at him properly. 

“As… as an Omega, my first instinct is to serve the one I love,” Shikamaru admitted quietly. “I don’t really like talking about it, and i’ve ignored it for so long that It’s easy to push away, but if I did love you, this would definitely be my first choice. Just knowing that it was me who made you feel pleasure would be good enough,” 

“I see,” Sai murmured. “I’m afraid I haven’t gotten it up quite yet though,” 

“I noticed,” Shikamaru sat back on his heels and pushed his hair out of his face. “That’s why I asked if there’s anything I can do besides that,” 

Sai tilted his head slightly and thought about this for a moment, and the corner of his mouth turned up slightly. 

“I can think of a few things,” He reached to grab his hand. 

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Shikamaru woke the next morning to the sound of someone knocking on the door. He sighed and disentangled himself from bed, pulling on pants to go answer it. He cracked the door open to find of all people Kakashi standing there. 

“Sai isn’t awake yet,” He told him quietly. “Do you need him immediately?” 

“Actually I came to talk to you, Shikamaru. May I come in?” He smiled under his face mask and Shikamaru sighed. He was too tired for this. 

“Yeah, sure I guess. I’m going outside to smoke though, let me go get a shirt,” He turned and swung the door open so he could enter. Kakashi pointedly looked away from the long deep scratches on his back as well as the bite mark clear on his shoulder. _They aren’t even 18 yet, surely this can’t be--_

“Want me to get you a drink or something?” Shikamaru came back from the bedroom, interrupting his thoughts. “You don’t smoke, right?” 

“It’s quite alright, Shikamaru. You don’t have to trouble yourself,” Kakashi followed him outside and closed the sliding door behind him. 

“What is it? You’re Sai’s team leader, what do you want with me?” Shikamaru lit a cigarette and held it between his lips as he pulled his hair up out of the way. 

“The Hokage wants your insight on a few matters,” He informed him, not quite meeting his eyes. _Probably shouldn’t mention that I had a bet about these two…_ There was a long pause, and Shikamaru just sighed again.

“Who was it, then?” Shikamaru asked boredly. 

“Hm?” 

He turned to look at him, eyes glazed over with what Kakashi assumed was sleep. “You would have told me at the door if that was all. You made a bet with someone about us, didn’t you? Who was it? Did you win?” 

Caught in a lie, Kakashi laughed nervously and scratched the back of his head. _This guy is way too smart._ “It was Jiraiya. He won, judging by the scratches on your back,” he admitted. “He insisted that you would, uh,” He trailed off and looked away. “You’re not even 18 yet, so naturally I assumed you wouldn’t--” 

“We’re two healthy adolescents, living alone together,” Shikamaru cut him off, saving him from the horror of finishing his sentence. “Beyond that, Sai was curious. You think too highly of me, Kakashi,” 

Kakashi tilted his head slightly and wondered why he’d phrased it that way. Would it be rude to ask? He took too long considering it, though, because Sai opened the door behind them. 

“Sensei, what are you doing here? Did something happen?” He asked. Kakashi glanced at him and then turned away, embarrassed by the marks revealed on his own chest thanks to the fact that he wasn’t wearing a shirt. 

“He had a bet with someone and wanted to see if we were sexually active,” Shikamaru answered in a bored voice. “Put a shirt on, you’re embarrassing your sensei,” 

“I have to be going, anyway,” Kakashi assured them, getting up. His face was bright red. “Remember to go see the Hokage later, Shikamaru,” He jumped down off the balcony. 

“He forgot his shoes,” Sai commented, staring after him. “Did I really embarrass him? I didn’t say anything, did I?” 

“You’re covered in bite marks, Sai,” Shikamaru stood and ushered him back inside, carrying the ashtray with him. “People aren’t open about sex, especially if it’s between two males. Might not want to tell Sakura. I’ve always had the suspicion that she was more perverted than she wanted to seem,” 

“I see. I’ll be more careful,” Sai disappeared into the bedroom and returned fully clothed. Shikamaru went about the kitchen making breakfast, feeling the dull melancholy haze of disinterest covering him like a blanket. He felt empty even after his night with Sai, though in the moment he’d felt a bit better. He looked across the table at Sai and in his mind’s eye another face covered it. What would it be like, to sit and eat with Gaara? _Not that he’d ever get to know.. Maybe I don't deserve to be loved by him. I’m just a useless coward, why would I deserve to be Mated with the Kazekage of all people?_

“I think I like you,” Sai interrupted his thoughts and glanced at him to meet his eyes. 

“Hn?” 

“I think I like you, Shikamaru. I know we only started this because I was curious and you were bored, but I’ve been thinking about it and I’ve definitely grown to like you. Not as strongly as Sakura and Ino like Sasuke, but It seems like the same thing,” 

Shikamaru was blatantly surprised by this new information. He hadn’t expected Sai to enjoy their relationship that much. Frankly every day he woke up here he expected him to just tell him that he was done, and that he could leave now. _But he likes me, does he?_ Shikamaru smiled. 

“I like you too, Sai,” He admitted.

“Not as much as you like that other man,” he didn’t look upset by this, and yet again Shikamaru was struck by the fact that he enjoyed how empty Sai was of normal emotions. It felt...comfortable. Familiar, even. 

“No, not as much as him,” He admitted quietly. “I really am trying to forget him, Sai, it’s just… harder than I thought it would be,” 

Sai nodded. “I don’t mind,” he said brightly. “You’re not doing very well, right? Having trouble with your emotions? I have trouble with them all the time so if anyone can understands it’s me. You probably don’t want to be alone,” 

Shikamaru had to smile at how easily he said it. It was no secret that most people would be hurt or even angry at the knowledge that he loved someone else, and was only using them so as not to be alone. Sai wasn’t bothered at all by it. 

“I’ll try hard for you, okay? I’ll forget him and… when you find someone you like better than me I’ll try to help you get them,” 

“That’s very kind of you. Is that normal?” Sai wondered. Shikamaru looked away from him and sighed. 

“I don’t think so,” he admitted softly. “I’m...not normal anymore, Sai. Perhaps I never was, and now I just can’t pretend anymore,” He laid his head on the table, wondering if he should be sad or not. “Everything feels like it’s dimmed a little, like the lights have gone out. Ever since he… _that_ happened, I feel like part of myself is… gone. Now I’m empty and I’m too smart not to be able to notice, and I’m just... “ He trailed off and sighed. 

“It’s not fun, being empty,” Sai leaned forward and touched his hand. Shikamaru looked up to see the feeling he’d been drowning in reflected in Sai’s eyes. A void of nothingness. “I’ll worry about myself after you get back to normal. I’ve been this way all along, so I’m used to it,” 

Shikamaru wanted to smile. He could see how kind Sai was being, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel anything. So instead he just pulled Sai’s hand to his lips and kissed it. Sai may be a bit off, and he knew Sakura and Naruto hadn’t been at all happy to have him replace Sasuke in their team but he was a good man. Shikamaru made up his mind to find someone who would care for Sai for real, as much as he deserved. _As much as I can’t give…_

“You have to go see the Hokage right?” Sai startled him out of his thoughts and he nodded. 

“Yeah, I don’t know what she wants, though,” He picked up his tea and clicked his teeth in dismay. It was cold already. Hadn’t he just made it? He’d gone and lost time again… 

“I’m going to ask Sakura where I can find that liquid she gave me,” He informed him. “Last night was nice, but i’m having more trouble sitting than I’d like to,” 

Shikamaru nodded and looked away again. He remembered when he was easily self conscious by things like this--when Naruto had asked jokingly if he and Temari were on a date that day that they’d started settling peace between their countries. He’d been so red faced, but not even the mention of Sakura knowing that he and Sai were doing things far worse than dating, or having Kakashi see the scratches Sai had left on his back could move him. _Am I stronger, or weaker? It feels much the same._

Soon enough Shikamaru had to go. After Sai’s prompting him not to get too distracted he decided it was better not to risk it. Sai followed him out, tugging him back as he tried to leave to kiss him softly. 

“Am I better?” He asked. Shikamaru just nodded. 

“You’ve improved a lot since the first time,” He answered. “I’ll see you later,” 

The world moved around Shikamaru, rather than him moving through it. He felt like a ghost, like he wasn’t made of the same things that the world around him was. Time passed on without him, leaving him in the dark.


End file.
